So my family have asked me to get help

LisaO

I'm coming up to my 1st anniversary of being diagnosed. In a recent conversation with my family I have been told that I need to get help, that I need to find someone to talk to because my feelings are not healthy, that I'm not dealing with things very well.
I'm honestly a bit dumbfounded as I thought I was doing well....really well....so are my feelings "normal" after being diagnosed?  Here goes...

Diagnosed last May, Stage 2, full rh mastectomy, full aux clearance, Tamoxifen for 6 months coupled with Zoladex, recently switched to Letrazole Femara coupled with Zoladex.  I'm one of the lucky ones with very minimal side effects...nothing to complain about.  Life is wonderful at the moment. I must admit that I found it harder to recover mentally than physically after being diagnosed...but it has gotten easier with time. I'm very active, returned to work (and love it) and honestly feel fantastic.  I have an absolutely wonderful husband who has supported me and loved me and also given me confidence with my new body image...no reconstruction for me. 

The one thing I have struggled with in living with my new self is the new meaning of time. I cannot process time like "normal people".  I can see and plan 12 months ahead, 2 years in the future now seems like 5 years to me and 5 years ahead is almost impossible for me to comprehend.  Im 52 and a discussion regarding retirement is of no interest to me...too many "what ifs".  Im aware of the beast possibly lurking in the background which could show itself at the drop of a hat. I honestly dont think Im dwelling on the possibility of recurrence whereby its affecting my quality of life...Im just a realist.  I feel that if Im given the all clear in a few weeks...I will be obviously ecstatic and will look forward to busily make plans for the next 12 months...get out there and live...then just like groundhog day do it all over again in 12 months time.

My family do not understand my new meaning of time.  When I explain to them how I feel they look at me like Im talking a foreign language. 

Is my new take on the meaning of time "normal"?  If I seek help will it fix how I feel and then I can sit down and confidently plan retirement and the next 20 years? 

Afraser

Dear LisaO
i suppose it depends on priorities - I wouldn't have been much good talking about retirement when I was 52. I'm 72 now and still not talking about it! A life threatening illness can do many things, one of the least worrisome would seem to be a heightened sense of living in and enjoying the present. You have learned the hard way that things aren't always what you planned. And you aren't ready to start making assumptions about the long term future just yet. I suspect your family in turn wants to get back As soon as possible to what was normal before cancer rudely interrupted. Because their normal hasn't changed as much as yours. You may need some help but only in how to explain your perfectly understandable feelings to your family. Your husband sounds very supportive - can you just talk to him and see if he can understand your hesitancy about making long term plans yet? Best wishes.

kmakm

I am no expert but it sounds like a response that falls on the (admittedly wide) spectrum of normal. Perhaps a chat with someone your family deems to be an expert would reassure them? Your breast care nurse could be a good first port of call. I agree with @afraser, your family's new normal is very different from yours. But also, what you feel now may not be what you feel in a year or so from now. We are not static creatures. Let us know how you get on. All the best.

Zoffiel

I shouldn't smile but I can't help it. You sound like you are doing remarkably well; if your family think you have issues, they need to spend some time with me--its like a day from ''One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest'. You will look like one of the most logical people on the planet after that.

Seriously though, I think they are over thinking things. You don't feel like planning years ahead? What is the problem with that? The most forward planning thing I do lately is idly considering if songs I hear on the radio are appropriate for funerals. 

A year on planet BC can be but the blink of a eye--or it can be an eternity. It's not up to anyone else to set expectations  about where you should be 'up to' . If you are cruising along comfortably that is a very good thing --keep  it up, you should be very proud of yourself. Mxxx

Sister

@LisaO If that's all they're concerned with, I think you're rocking it. This stuff is going to change you.   Do you think there's other things they're not saying  though, as lack of planning can be a symptom of PTSD but wouldn't stand alone?  It does sound from your description that's not the case.  However, if it stops the worry, maybe you could see someone - but someone who is experienced with breast cancer and how it affects people.  And I would go one step further and suggest that at the very least, your husband should also see that person so that there can be some reconciliation between your normal and the family's expectations.  By the way, I am 54, love my job although I'm on extended leave at the moment (did some fun work for them yesterday, anyway - don't tell the Super people) and I don't think about retirement as seriously as I should.  It's something vague in the future.  The same goes for plans more than 1 year ahead.  This is pre-cancer non-planning.  Now, just over 3 months from diagnosis, and still undergoing treatment, I'm lucky if I can plan for a month.

onemargie

@LisaO Perhaps its your family who needs the help. Sounds like you’ve got your shit together as best you can with the “new normal”. You can go and see someone and then you can come home and tell the family they need to see someone and see what they say. Your normal is different to their normal. Don’t best yourself up. And an hour with @Zoffiel would sure as shit sort them out lol. Margie.  Xx

melclarity

@LisaO I actually think youre incredibly normal! I've been where you are and unfortunately at the 4yr mark I did have that recurrence that ripped my world apart. However I never thought about it after the 1st diagnosis, I was treated and moved on. So it came as a massive shock. Now I dont plan ahead anymore, what for? life regardless can turn on a dime, even just in general. Unless its a holiday I don't, my partner has taught me the simplicity of life which at times I found harsh LOL. But he's right, all we have is here and now the rest will take care of itself to a degree. I dont get bogged down with worry anymore if the beast will come back. Ive done everything possible this time been to hell and back and I honestly dont feel like it will Im 50 now. If it does, im not sure the path Id choose because Ive been there and done it and my life is compromised completely not from BC but from treatment knowing everything Ive done was preventative? hmmm because once they did that lumpectomy it was gone. 

So I say to you, you are normal, its very real, what mattered before doesnt matter now...your priorities have changed and how could they not? I'll deal with retirement when it comes lol, Im a single parent for 8yrs and so no retiring for me. Working full time is a massive struggle, but there are no choices and so I only look at a day at a time and I actually enjoy it...more than that I get overwhelmed with too much to deal with these days.

xx 
M

Brenda5

If you enjoy your job I don't see a problem with it. My job was a very physical one (renovating houses) so that's not an option for me now, unless I got really rich and employed tradesmen across the whole thing.
I don't really "plan" any future longer than one year at a time. I am where I want to be in terms of location and in the house I wanted. I have no aspirations of overseas travel and even before cancer, flitting around the world wasn't in my head space.
I don't plan on being a little old lady but if the world turns that way and I become one then I imagine I will adapt. 
I just go with the flow.

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LisaO

Thank you ladies for your feedback.  I havnt been on this site for a while, I guess I went away and tried to get on with things and deal with the new normal.  I found myself lost yet again, so I jumped back on to this site and see some of the same faces offering their valuable experience..the same faces that helped me enormously almost 12 months ago when I was initially diagnosed..thank you for still being here to help people like me.  I also see new faces offering support, Im sad to see you here but a big thank you also.
There is no right or wrong way to deal with breast cancer, just like there is no right or wrong way to grieve. An  instruction book written out for each and every one of us just maybe available in the future...wishful thinking.  I can honestly understand why some soldiers who made it back from war never ever told their stories to their families. My grandfather landed on Gallipolli and never once spoke of his memories. 
I dont get asked very often at all by my family "how are you going?".  I dont hold this against them at all, I mean Im doing incredibly well physically...but mentally...thats another story.  So when I very rarely get the opportunity to actually speak, I see the horror on their faces.  Ive always been one to "say it as it is" and its so frustrating to see the blank, dumbfounded faces when I do sometimes speak.  Then to be told...you need to find someone professional to talk to...well, I then feel that maybe its just not worth answering a "how are you going?" question that might pop up down the track.
Its sometimes a very lonely journey this breast cancer bus ride...until I jump back onto this site. XO

TonyaM

Hi LisaO,
You are soooo normal. I’m 8 yrs post bc and I STILL don’t plan too far ahead.It’s just being realistic.I can remember feeling more confident after 2yrs and life getting back to almost normal until I got a recurrence 7 yrs later(EBC again in same breast). That really pulled the rug from under me- hence my reluctance to plan too far ahead. I run a bc support group in north west Sydney and it’s a great way to debrief with other women who understand. Then you can go back to family/friends and pretend to be ‘normal’.

Zoffiel

Ah well, tell them you talked to several hundred people with both personal and professional experience of breast cancer and that all the feedback was positive. You appear to be well within the bounds of normal.

Employing the services of a shrink of some description is rarely a bad idea in our circumstances. Unless, of course, you end up with some numptie who makes you feel like the you are only one in the room with any common sense.

If you can find someone who suits you it can be cathartic to offload into a paid receptacle every once in a while.

Hmm, I'll leave you with the multitude of visuals that statement may inspire. M xxx

brightspace

Hi lisa its certainly something you did not expect to hear...family and friends can also become anxious and if younger childen and teens are at home they can often benefit from some counselling to cope with changes that have occured..helpcan take many forms so much great advice from the kind hearts here
All the best
Bright in hope

primek

I couldn't even plan a holiday initially. In fact my life still revolves around appointments time frames. I think you are being practical. I'd just not tell people why you aren't interested...just say I'm just enjoying living in the moment not just daydreaming about the future ..cause really that's what it is at times. Some days I feel I've beaten cancer. Other days I think I might eventually die from breast cancer. Does  it control my life...I try not to let it. But I don't think others can possibly know how we tick after a diagnosis. You never go back. Changed forever. X

Sister

@LisaO Your comment about the WWI soldiers... It was a relatively common thing that those who came back could not plan for the future.  I had a great-uncle who apparently could not commit to anything that was based on an assumption that he would be alive the next day - could not form a relationship, order a book, anything - because he no longer believed it.  But he lived for another 20+ years and his health during that time was okay.  That's obviously extreme but I suspect that it's something similar for many of us.