Feeling flat
Hendrix
Member Posts: 324 ✭
in Day to day
Good morning lovelies....I’m feeling really flat...burnt boobie from rads...unsupportive family which I think is the main issue here...I lost my shit with my family last week and haven’t heard from them, my mum is been indifferent towards me, which I find really hurtful. I’ve kept a smiley face on because if I cried I was been silly. I’m trying to get this business off the ground...no that’s great if you need any help sing out. My mum never asks how are you, how did you go at doctors, but will show concern for my sister who’s adult children take advantage of her. My mum had some Reno’s done whilst I was having chemo and sick as a dog, but made the comment that where have I disappeared to when she needed help. I’m not sure I want to go to my sisters for Xmas...but then I’m thinking how will my daughter feel about if we don’t go...I sometimes feel I’m better off without them in my life as I’ve kept my distance from them before and felt really good. Can anyone offer any advice? thank you xx
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Tell them all to piss off.
You have enough on your plate without dealing with what sounds like a bunch of narcissistic cows. Make yourself unavailable, let them chase you. Or not. Which is telling in itself.
Do you what you feel like doing over Xmas. It's a shit of a time of year if you are feeling at all vulnerable so treat it like any other threat to your well-being and look after yourself. If your daughter, sister, mother, great aunt or next door neighbour doesn't like it, too bad.
I'm going to sit in the river and eat prawns, not because it's Xmas, but because any opportunity to spoil myself should be taken advantage of. Put yourself first for a while and be as silly as you like. Marg xxx9 -
I don't know how old your daughter is, but a simple explanation that you would rather spend Christmas with her may suffice. If keeping a distance makes you feel good, then you know the answer. Christmas really doesn't change the matter, just throws a whole lot of crazy assumptions and expectations on it. Now more than ever, do what makes you feel good and harms no-one (whatever they may say!).3
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Wow, @Hendrix, that's awful. I'd be wanting to scream!!!!! I certainly understand. It's a time where people show their true colours. Do we rant, cry, scream so those around you have some idea if what we are going thru? Or do we smile, shrug, soldier on and be bright so as not to burden them? I don't know what the answer is. I lost my best friend because I got cancer. Gee, sorry it's too awful be around me! But hey, you do what you want for Christmas and that will make you happiest. You are dealing with enough right now without having to pander to other people.
Love and hugs xxxooo1 -
I agree with all these wonderful comments! Do what YOU want to do! My mother sounds like she is related to your mother.... hasn't been to visit me once.... doesn't want to know... tells me how when she went through this no one was there for her.... did she have breast cancer? No! She had a biopsy that was negative about 45 years ago! FFS! People deal with things differently I get that,but you're going through hell and deserve peace and support. Have a lovely Christmas no matter what you choose xxxxx1
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I prefer not to have non understanding family come to visit. Therefore I am taking a ham down on Christmas day to the family, spending an hour or two there talking about nothing but the weather and vagary and then duty done I can get off home again.2
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@Afraser @Mollygirl @Caseypinto my daughter is 26 and would definitely be ok with us not going...it just gives her more ammunition to dislike them more. And yes I get that bullshit from my mum...what about me and what I’m going through...like what! My sister made reference to my been scared of cancer will come back to my niece been scared about a kidney scan her 5 year old had. I’m not sure how those 2 are related. No she wasn’t been scanned for cancer! I contacted one of my best friends and asked if i could come stay after Xmas just to get away as I was feeling quite down and she said no. Taking a drive down to Geelong to catch up for a xmas lunch with a friend hopefully she can lift my spirits. Thank you all lovelies Nellie xx3
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F word. Seriously, @Hendrix that's just not fair to you. And who the hell says no to you after all that. Shessh, some people just let you down don't they. I hope the Geelong Christmas lunch goes well and you and your daughter have a beautiful day. My thoughts are with you and you know you have this safe space to vent any time and we really do understand. Lots of love, Bec xx2
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I think your post to us today has the answer already! You are at a crucial stage of recovery and emotional crap can set you back! Go with what is right for you and your daughter! Fallout would probably occur whether you went or not! So why not weather the storm from a distance rather than in the line of fire!! Of course it is your choice and if you choose to go that is fine too!Hendrix said:Good morning lovelies......I sometimes feel I’m better off without them in my life as I’ve kept my distance from them before and felt really good. Can anyone offer any advice? thank you xx
Focus on recovery, your business venture and check out Otis Foundation for a free holiday https://www.otisfoundation.org.au/page/1/about
There are 11 retreats in Victoria! I have been and loved it and others on here will vouch for Otis; it is of great benefit and you can take your daughter or whoever else you may want!
Take care x
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You didn't lose a friend @mollygirl you lost an attachment. Which you can probably do without.
I'll bet someone quietly steps into that gap in your life while you are not even watching. Cancer is funny like that; it's a foul wind, but it does blow away a shitload of chaff. What is left at the end is worth keeping. Marg xx6 -
Yes I agree with others just do what you want for Xmas day. Im sure your daughter will just want you to be happy.
Sounds like your family have always been selfish and difficult and your need for support at the moment has just magnified the hurt for you. Im sure they love you, but not in the way you want to be loved.
I spent 20 years of my life with a selfish husband desperately trying to make him see, studying all kinds of books to understand, hurting, wishing, hoping, analysing, going over an over all the pain, reaching out for things he was incapable of giving. The day I walked out I was terrified I would not survive. 13 years later I'm soaring and he is still the same miserable b@#$%^ he always was.
My new partner comes from a very similar background. He was once told by a counsellor, you cant change any one else, you can only change the way you react to them. We have both found this very useful. We refuse to give toxic people the reactions they are looking for. We have stopped trying to get insensitive people to become sensitive. We have stopped playing into their dramas. We regretfully accept that it isnt personal, its not us, its them. We nurture ourselves and this means we are less dependant on the approval of others. We have found new places to get the love and support we need. This is a good place to start.
Its your family, I know its different. But just know some people arent able to give only to take. Its not you. xxxx
And get some lovely soothing cream on that poor burnt boob. I didnt have rads so I havent experienced this but I did feel sad and sorry after mastectomy, expander and implant this year. Cry if you need to, then one day soon you wont need to cry any more. Its not silly, Its ok. xxxxxx4 -
I have very difficult parents. It has taken me a long time to get where I am now and to not be manipulated by them. They do not have any emotional support for me so I find other ways they can help. I have learnt to put boundaries in place, the don’t react well to this but I just remind myself that their reactions are irrational and not how normal caring parents treat their children. You need to look after yourself, especially now. Find other people that can support you, just because they are your parents, doesn’t mean they have to be a major part of everything you’re going through. I am always careful not I be provocative, it never helps in the long run even I it feels good in the short term. You’re not alone.1
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I agree with @Afraser - talk to your daughter about this. She obviously knows what's going on with the extended family and is no doubt, furious with them - I would be if it was my Mum. Tell her that she's the important one you want to spend Christmas with and do it - no negative bullshit.2
