Chemo Brain. I've succumbed.

I'm so disappointed. I've had to defer from my studies. Having plowed through a double advanced dip in management and HR while I was in treatment I assumed, wrongly, that I could continue and do the last 8 subjects to complete a degree. No.

My brain will not work properly and I honestly think it is getting worse. My body is a wreck. The pressure of dealing with the aftermath of this round of treatment, financial misery, a new job and study has done me in. After a couple of excruciating weeks of trying desperately to keep juggling I've come to the sensible, but devastating, conclusion that something has to give. I can do nothing about the side effects and I have to work or I will go completely down the financial gurgler. The only stress I can dispense with is the study. It breaks my heart.

I can do so much, but faced with a 7500 essay plus attachments I've reached my limits. I simply can not retain a train of thought for long enough to do anything properly. This is exhausting and demoralizing. I get a couple of thousand words done, have to leave it for a few days then come back to discover I have absolutely no idea how I got to the point where I left off.

I don't give a shit about being told that I'll improve. The world won't stop while I limp around in circles trying to get my act together.

Now I find that the benign looking lump that has appeared on my eyelid needs immediate attention. This has meant travelling back and forward to Melbourne to consult with an opthalmic plastic surgeon who has agreed, reluctantly, to remove the fucking thing under a local as opposed to her preferred process of doing it under sedation. In the Epworth. Yeah, right, like I can afford that. Waiting lists for the Eye and Ear are ridiculous and I need this thing gone.Sitting still and sucking it up will save me about $6k. But it is the final straw.

The whole business of recovery eclipses treatment. You know, there have been a few ladies lately who have asked for advice about undergoing chemo when the stats don't seem very convincing. I always feel like screaming RUN AWAY! Of course, we shouldn't do that, but I sure as shit wish I'd taken my own personal council. At least then there would be half a chance of a decent life until the cancer train finally runs me down. End rant.

Romla
Member
8 years ago
@Zoffiel have a look at Roald Dahl’s Tales of the Unexpected
Romla
Member
8 years ago
Great storyline but if retaining a plot for a novel is hard atm how about short stories like Roald Dahl used to write for adults ?
Michelle_R
Member
8 years ago
Definitely try to finish your book, Marg - I think you have a lot of people here for starters who would love to read it! xxx
Afraser
Member
8 years ago
"Get it down. Take chances. It may be bad, but it's the only way you can do anything really good." William Faulkner.

And it sounds wonderfully dark, not bad at all.
Zoffiel
Member
8 years ago
I'm so pleased that I bring a smile to a few dials. Thank you to those who have encouraged me to write--the funny thing is that I do get paid to write, but it's stuff no one really wants to read. Annual reports, site safety analysis reports (yes, they are a thing) workplace investigation reports, business cases...ad infinitum with the report thing. And some marketing. Which is awful and makes me feel sick.

I speak to aspiring writers doing TAFE courses about what you need to do to get paid to write. If you want to do it professionally, be prepared to prostitute yourself. Do what the client wants. For the money. Maybe the comparison is inappropriate, and I do apologize to anyone who has had life experiences of the more conventional version.

This site is a great place to exercise a bit of creative writing. We can forget about grammar, string sentences, forget how to spell. It doesn't matter. As long as it lets some Gremlins out of our heads and gives someone a giggle, it's all good.

I have a novel that is simmering on the back burner for a number of years. Think Rachael Treasure meets Wolf Creek. Female protagonist who is a right nasty piece of work. Sex, violence, revenge , mental health issues and black humour in a rural setting. I just don't know if I have the energy to either finish it or pitch it.

Thank you again for your words of encouragement. Marg xxx
Unicornkisses
Member
8 years ago
@zoffiel, reading your posts lifts my mood and puts my feeling sorry for myself into perspective. I too struggle daily with the fog and the anger that lurks under the surface because of it.
I so identify with your post, @AllyJay, I too enjoyed the dance towards more picturesque speech, and the pauses to search for simple words in a conversation nearly brings me to tears.
Thank goodness most people seem to understand the reference to Chemo brain, and just find the word for me. And names, sigh! Even friends I see or talk to regularly, suddenly I can't remember their name.
I am not at all reassured by Primek's 18 months since chemo, I think I will be on antidepressants too if it goes on that long.
Romla
Member
8 years ago
@ Zoffiel @Deanne is right do keep writing - would be great if someone wrote a book about the bc journey from a personal point of view - we all enjoy your jottings and there is definitely a gap in the market how about it ?
Deanne
Member
8 years ago
I am with Jane Elizabeth, @Zoffiel. Your talent for writing is so appreciated by all of us on here. Maybe there is another opportunity in that. Do keep writing and maybe that opportunity will become clearer too. Many of us have to change direction as a result of this disease but I for one have found some opportunities that would never have come my way in more ‘normal’ circumstances. xox
Romla
Member
8 years ago
Dear brave strong funny smart @Zoffiel been thinking about you all day trying to come up with some words of comfort/wisdom but all I can come up with is a big virtual hug and just to say one day at a time and smaller intervals of time if necessary. XO
Jane_Elizabeth
Member
8 years ago
Sorry that you had to defer your studies. But please, @Zoffiel, please, write...something.....short , long, disjointed, whatever. You have such a talent for a turn of phrase I am sure you could publish your shopping list and it would be entertaining. If you can make an adventure of procuring mulch, you could write anything! You just need to write until you empty your brain, rinse and repeat! (I am still wondering whether the albatross was an Ancient Mariner reference, or a Monty Python reference)