My story

Cowgirl1

Hi, I am in my ten month after having my surgery July will be a year.
I have had up and downs with pain as I had a lumpectomy and had a small amount of fluid not enough to drain just give me grief, I now have lymphodema and a pink rash which I had checked out and it's to do with the fluid thankfully . I have been having lymphatic massage once a week and it has helped,I tried taping had it on for one day had a reaction so had to take it off, now I use mobiderm inside my bra everyday and that has softened it up a bit and I have little pain as it was 24/7.
i don't think I have had so much emotional stuff as I have had with this , I went to my first forum last week I had nothing really in common with these women other than having breast cancer, so many sad stories I have had all good things with mine and have been very lucky I know, one ladies story effected me and quiet a bit felt so sorry for her others horrible stuff had happened to them  a depressing night,I went to work the next day and had to come home started crying very emotional I'm not ready for this stuff !

socoda

Hey @Cowgirl1, I know the feeling as I too have been incredibly lucky. I think you get so totally blindsided by your own emotions at times. I have never been a crier but BC seems to have stripped my emotions pretty raw. Don't feel bad about getting emotional every now and then (or even all the time) as I think that we are so very busy dealing with treatment and everything that goes along with it that once we start to settle down and life starts to resemble something like normal that is when it really hits us and it hits really really hard. Sending you a big hug. Xx Cath

Cowgirl1

Thanks and yes you are right wham bam next you are in surgery then home then treatment and back to work, I always knew I hadn't dealt with everything that had happened to me and as they say it will catch you week later or years later, it got me a few months ago had a week off work lucky I have a fantastic manager which took the pressure of me , still think I have a bit more to come out. Just realised I had cancer, breast cancer was different wasn't it? In my mind anyway cancers cancer and it slaps you in the face when you start to come to terms with it. I have had guilt due to having an early detection of my cancer and had radiation and five nodes removed and all these women who have full breast mastectomies, chemo, etc and little old me I don't know where I fit in my story is very different,I have a great bc nurse who I talk to and got my mind set a bit better and I have fantastic friends and partner

socoda

@Cowgirl1 its fantastic that you have that support and one thing you shouldn't feel is guilty because you still have also had surgery, radiation and nodes removed. I too felt guilty until I realised that I had nothing to feel guilty about. I did have a single mastectomy but no chemo and no radiotherapy and am on hormone therapy for however many years so I've dodged a lot of treatment bullets and fatigue that the lovely ladies and gents on here have had to go through. I certainly realise how very very lucky I have been but we all share in the uncertainty and fear that the diagnosis creates. I thought I was sailing very very smoothly and then had a couple of sobbing days and they came out of nowhere and are almost tidal in their intensity, ebbing and flowing. I also think that so many other factors come into play, pain, tiredness, sleeplessness. And then there are the days when we are totally invincible and nothing can phase us. It's excellent that you are on this site and you do fit in here as we are all magnificent survivors whether we feel we are worthy of the title or not - we're here, we're fighters!! We all get it and whenever you need to chat and get things out of your system this site is the best place to do it.

Brenda5

I spoke with my dr neice who's ex is a bc surgeon in a remote area of Australia. He said those who were whipped in fast for surgery and treatment didn't do as well emotionally as those with less aggressive forms of bc and had quite a few weeks before tackling the treatment.
What;s that thing soldiers get in war, PT something? Doctors are just starting to realise bc survivors can get it as well. Add to that for those of us with hormone positive cancers we go on to a hormone suppressant which also suppresses libido and we start feeling pretty darned useless.
More research into the mental state needs to be done and don't like my situation with the psychiatrist throw a mental pill at it that makes you even sicker in body while its trying to settle the mind. All I wanted was someone to listen to me and talk about things but nope here take this pill and see me in a few months. My mum says pray about it but that's still a one sided conversation. I really think my bc came due to me feeding it with the contraceptive pill and pure stress I had. I was once at my peak worth over 3 million dollars! Gosh I should write a book about the stuff that's happened. Thank goodness for this forum!

primek

Whilst I was upset in the weeks leading up to my surgery and some tears of misery during chemo. It was only after and back to work that I had those tears that just came from nowhere. And for me it was others stories too. It was facing the fear of what could have been, or even what might return. Acknowledging that is fine. It allows us to heal and move forward. I still have the odd day like that, especially when tired, but mostly I don't now.

Weirdly it's only now that I am really dealing with the loss of my breasts,  15 months on. (I seemed to have developed nipple envy) most days I don't think about it, but other days it's hard. 

We all have different stories but we are united by a common thread...we have faced our mortality. ..and that leaves a scar we can't see. 

Kath x

iserbrown

@Cowgirl1
I can recall going to my first forum and I hated it.  I sat through the day and those around me had no idea how I felt.  All that said to me was I wasn't ready to sit in a group and listen to others.  On here I can read stories or skim past; in control totally of the emotions.  Don't feel guilty and let the emotions roll when they come.  I haven't really been in that predicament; as my surgeon has said, I am as tough as old boots and was very accepting from the start. 
Prior to my diagnosis I had been to a fund raiser for a dear family friend, in her late 30s, who has metastatic cancer.  Perhaps that is why I am so accepting of mine, nothing like our family friend.
We are all different and there is no judgment.  This is your journey and roll with it!  If you use the search area in this site you will find lots of information that you may find beneficial with your lymphedema et cetera 
If the tears come let them roll, most believe it is part of cleansing.  Golly I watched the movie The bucket List last night, seen it many times before, but now with where I am at the tears were close by.
Take care

Zoffiel

Never feel guilty because you are lucky enough to not suffer every complication under the sun; lymphedema is a shit of a thing which none of us want and having to live with that is a bloody nightmare. This is not a competition and one persons' less stressful process doesn't mean someone else has to do it harder.

I get it with the forums. Anything resembling a support group gave me the creeps and I didn't feel anything they were doing or talking about related to me. Still don't. I was very fortunate after my first diagnosis10 years ago to come across a program called CanNet (that will ring some bells with a few old timers) which opened a door to consumer advocacy which then lead me to heaps of training and ultimately a gig with Cancer Australia reviewing grant applications. It's given me a sense that I'm doing something useful that needs a brain like mine. That, and the practical support I was able to give random people over the years, has been the only positive thing that came out of breast cancer for me. I suck at fundraising, visibly fidget when faced with emotional displays and will only hug about ten people. Touchy feely I am not, which doesn't mean that the whole business, particularly now I have a recurrence hasn't hit me hard.

Cancer doesn't change you, in my opinion. I liken it to having too may wines, a few filters may come off, but what is at the core of you remains the same. That's why we all deal with the crap differently.

Cowgirl1

Thank you all for your comments it is appreciated, one thing that I found a great thing was my journey book I have written everything that has happened to me and how I feel at the time. It's good to go back over it and just see how far you have come with pain especially  at the moment I am around 1-2 which I don't realise until I go back and see most of the time I have been 3-4 with the pain.

fairydust

@Cowgirl same thing happened to me. I have been to several activities with women that have had breast cancer, Sometimes the meetings were good.  Other times it was so sad. It would take me days to get over it. The very young women with young children effects me deeply. I think everyones journey is unique.  
The actual fact that you like many others was getting on with life and suddenly without warning you have cancer. That is a shock that I do not think anyone forgets,. Sure you can come to terms with it but feel the same again ....I dont think so
I think just being you is the most important thing.

melclarity

@cowgirl it is incredibly overwhelming and nothing can prepare you for it. I think thats why I love the forum here, as theres also a lot of joy and celebrations shared, together with understanding and lots of love and comfort. 

Everything you think and feel is validated here, we absolutely get it, I remember in 2011 my world was ripped apart with my first diagnosis, I was only 6 months out of my marriage with my 2 children and starting again. I dont know how but I got through it with very little support. Nothing prepared me for 2015 a recurrence, it really brought me to my knees in a much bigger way. Just remember putting you first is so important, one moment, one day at a time, dont look too far ahead, and you will absolutely get there slowly. Bad days and good days but you will continue to look at how far you have come not how far you have left to go. Hang in there, we are all here. x Melinda

nikkid

@cowgirl I totally relate to your emotions - and as @melclarity  says, we have all been there.

It's a whole new world....and we get it. Look after yourself - and sometimes it's important to quarantine yourself as well. I have tried as much as possible, to surround myself with positivity, developing a calm, positive mindset and focussing on ME: getting better, getting fitter, being happy. This is balm for the soul that has helped. 

Take care of yourself

Nikki xx

Cowgirl1

So looking forward to my week hols in June I have booked a retreat stay through Otis foundation near the beach just hope it doesn't rain for four days lol

Cowgirl1

Well I had my holiday at casuarina cottage through the otis foundation what a wonderful foundation and the people that put their places up for people that have had cancer. We had four days great weather so close to the beach Silversands, we did victor harbour to goolwa on the cockle train which I have never done, so thank you again Jan & David

Afraser

 Zoffiel nails it again - I had much the same feeling about support groups. I felt I was handling my own issues not too badly but didn't feel like coping with other people's experiences as well. But when facing my third reasonably serious side effect in seven weeks, I did seek some guidance. A really good counsellor clarified that I was actually dealing with cancer pretty well but wasn't dealing with the fact that the "normal" working life I was keen to maintain was pretty crazy! Cancer has an interesting habit of throwing up the secondary plots in your life - hard to manage it and treatment, and sail through ropey marriages, difficult sibling relationships, batty working practices! For me it was a good thing to deal with, but it can be awfully hard for some. 

Annedipa

I must have gotten lucky with the group i joined. We meet up for lunch once a month or so. The focus is never about breast cancer but having a laugh with other women who understand what you have gone through. Unfortunately i left it until after my treatment was over to reach out. I really could have used some of that laughter during as its a pretty lonely journey otherwise. @Cowgirl1 regardless of the treatment path any of us take...and everyone's s different...we all had to hear the words “you have cancer” and that's pretty darned scary. Bug hugs Anne