A new member and really wishing I wasn't
sandramj
Member Posts: 253 ✭
Received diagnosis on Feb 24th of Ductal Invasive Carcinoma Grade 2 in left breast after Mammogram with Breastscreen. Fortunately Dr de Viana was the one who gave me my results and I later found out he was one of the best here on the Gold Coast for surgery and treatment. I was in shock and we had a cruise organised with family flying from Perth & Melbourne to join us in Singapore then cruising for two weeks back to Brisbane. I discussed this with Dr and he said two weeks cruising would be good.
So back to Dr on March 17th the day after arriving home and he scheduled surgery fro Wed march 29th as I had to go off blood thinners a week before.
I managed to put the cancer to the back of my mind a lot of the time on the cruise as I was "tour guide" for a group of six first time cruisers and two we had cruised with before. I kept very busy and only had one dream that included cancer and it was very tame.
I have had depression for over fifty years and take antidepressants and now a mood stabiliser and without going into a lot of detail am taking a LOT of medications for heart disease, diabetes insipidus, thyroid and now realise I have anxiety. My anxiety takes over and physically changes my wellness into diarrohea & a continual feeling of sick in the gut. And today I am having trouble keeping busy to block the thoughts and consequent feelings.
I had at major shift in my thoughts on Friday morning in the shower and cried thinking how angry how I had ignored my left breast throughout this. I felt very sorry I had ignored it and decided on an old therapy from another time of surgery - to think positive and change things little by little - those I have control over - and feed my body only good foods, nurture myself etc.
But like another bowling ball thundering down my alley towards my "pins" id taken three weeks to stand back up - I go a phonecall from the Breastcare Nurse saying the MRI * recent ultra sound picked up another lump in the same breast - this one at 5 oçlock. Previous one at 2 oçlock and they thought it might be a satellite of the other one. Therefore need another ultrasound ASP and another biopsy on Tuesday 11am.
They also found another lump in the right breast that they thought might be benign - BUT I am worried and would like that biopsied too at the same time so I only have one anaesthetic (Had major clot on the lung & pituitary tumour in the past)
I am scared beyond belief and cannot believe how quickly things have changed - AND not for the better. I am imagining the new lump is an offshoot of the other one as it is invasive and so I am wondering if they weill suggest mastectomy - I am petrified about chemotherapy. I was prepared for the wide incision and the sentinel node biopsy - but this seems too much right now......
I haven't told my family as I don't want to worry them unnecessarily about the extra lump until I know what it actually is. But that seems to be adding to the stress.
Ive got the journey kit and read a lot and thought I had it sorted - what it was - the surgery and what I needed to do.... \But now I feel back in the shock and denial stage I was till Friday. Guess this is normal - but I hate it! It's like \I have a thread from my brain through my gut straight to my bowels as the vomiting and loose bowels is immediate......
Guess it is also normal to feel alone and afraid to reach out to anyone due to feeling like a nuisance and there's nothing anyone can say except you'll be fine" But I don't know that right now.
They say a problem shared is a problem halved and I hope this will bring some relief just from putting my thoughts and eelings on here. Hope that's what this is for.......
Ive had a lot of illnesses in my family and myself but I never wanted to EVER go to an oncology department..... Guess I should be careful what I wish for..... And sometimes what we put our energy on festers.....
Soo many thoughts running around in my head - and ive managed to come out of major illnesses efore with positive thinking, reading Louise Hay etc, doing affirmations, relaxation and meditation but I can't seem to connect to this........ It's like its not real or maybe my previous way of managing things like this is to dissociate and that's what I'm doing on an unconscious level;.....
|Sorry folks this is a ramble - but its how my head, thoughts and emotions seem right now.
Thank you for the opportunity to :uload" share - rant on here.
So back to Dr on March 17th the day after arriving home and he scheduled surgery fro Wed march 29th as I had to go off blood thinners a week before.
I managed to put the cancer to the back of my mind a lot of the time on the cruise as I was "tour guide" for a group of six first time cruisers and two we had cruised with before. I kept very busy and only had one dream that included cancer and it was very tame.
I have had depression for over fifty years and take antidepressants and now a mood stabiliser and without going into a lot of detail am taking a LOT of medications for heart disease, diabetes insipidus, thyroid and now realise I have anxiety. My anxiety takes over and physically changes my wellness into diarrohea & a continual feeling of sick in the gut. And today I am having trouble keeping busy to block the thoughts and consequent feelings.
I had at major shift in my thoughts on Friday morning in the shower and cried thinking how angry how I had ignored my left breast throughout this. I felt very sorry I had ignored it and decided on an old therapy from another time of surgery - to think positive and change things little by little - those I have control over - and feed my body only good foods, nurture myself etc.
But like another bowling ball thundering down my alley towards my "pins" id taken three weeks to stand back up - I go a phonecall from the Breastcare Nurse saying the MRI * recent ultra sound picked up another lump in the same breast - this one at 5 oçlock. Previous one at 2 oçlock and they thought it might be a satellite of the other one. Therefore need another ultrasound ASP and another biopsy on Tuesday 11am.
They also found another lump in the right breast that they thought might be benign - BUT I am worried and would like that biopsied too at the same time so I only have one anaesthetic (Had major clot on the lung & pituitary tumour in the past)
I am scared beyond belief and cannot believe how quickly things have changed - AND not for the better. I am imagining the new lump is an offshoot of the other one as it is invasive and so I am wondering if they weill suggest mastectomy - I am petrified about chemotherapy. I was prepared for the wide incision and the sentinel node biopsy - but this seems too much right now......
I haven't told my family as I don't want to worry them unnecessarily about the extra lump until I know what it actually is. But that seems to be adding to the stress.
Ive got the journey kit and read a lot and thought I had it sorted - what it was - the surgery and what I needed to do.... \But now I feel back in the shock and denial stage I was till Friday. Guess this is normal - but I hate it! It's like \I have a thread from my brain through my gut straight to my bowels as the vomiting and loose bowels is immediate......
Guess it is also normal to feel alone and afraid to reach out to anyone due to feeling like a nuisance and there's nothing anyone can say except you'll be fine" But I don't know that right now.
They say a problem shared is a problem halved and I hope this will bring some relief just from putting my thoughts and eelings on here. Hope that's what this is for.......
Ive had a lot of illnesses in my family and myself but I never wanted to EVER go to an oncology department..... Guess I should be careful what I wish for..... And sometimes what we put our energy on festers.....
Soo many thoughts running around in my head - and ive managed to come out of major illnesses efore with positive thinking, reading Louise Hay etc, doing affirmations, relaxation and meditation but I can't seem to connect to this........ It's like its not real or maybe my previous way of managing things like this is to dissociate and that's what I'm doing on an unconscious level;.....
|Sorry folks this is a ramble - but its how my head, thoughts and emotions seem right now.
Thank you for the opportunity to :uload" share - rant on here.
2
Comments
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Welcome to the site this is the right place for you. It is always a huge shock when you hear those words, I remember thinking are they talking to me they must have the wrong person. They were right and my first line of treatment changed from a lumpectomy, radiation and meds to, chemo , mastectomy, reconstruction and meds that I'm still having trouble with.
I'm 3 years on and getting used to the new normal. Visit often there is always someone who can answer some of your questions and we all listen and understand. I hope coming on to this site has helped hug coming your way x2 -
Oh sandramj you are allowed to be frightened, angry and in shock .. it is a normal reaction to a diagnosis of Breast Cancer never mind more to be checked....
No wonder you are feeling overwhelmed...
since you are accustomed to meditation can I suggest a good one by Petrea King called "Relaxation" she is from the Quest Foundation and has a lot of CDs etc for different cancers. I have found it very good to help me relax.
So glad you got to take your Cruise it would of helped you to get past the initial shock of diagnosis.
You are more than welcome to rant and vent and let the stress be released here.
I can see why you feel so overwhelmed with your medical and mental health history.
Rest Assured your team will be doing what they see as the best options for you.
Call and ask your breast care nurse if it is possible to do biopsy on the other breast explain your concerns and reasoning's.... She will know what can and can't be done.
Sometimes Chemo is tolerated really well so don't jump hurdles before you get to them.
Surgery will give them pathology to know exactly how to work with ridding your body of the cancer.
come and ask questions of us ... ask your breast care nurse and you can also ring the cancer council for help they have counsellors to help you through this time.
We all wish we didn't have to be on this roller coaster ride, but we are so how can we make it more bearable ? this online forum is wonderful at pointing you to information and shared experiences that will help you navigate this disease and the treatments your team suggest to get you through to being Cancer free.
hugs and energy
Soldier crab
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The waiting to know is very difficult and you have made really sensible decisions so far. If they recommend a mastectomy know it is not the end of the world. There are options to reconstruct if you wish. I know it wasn't your plan but honestly the knowing the darn cancer is finally out of you is a relief. Several areas doesn't necessarily mean spread from the first it can just be several areas of change at the same time.
We are hear to listen and totally get how stressed you are feeling waiting on your results and what will happen.
The cancer council have counselling services if you feel this might help also.
http://www.cancer.org.au/about-cancer/patient-support/131120.html
You don't have to do it alone.
Take Care. Kath x2 -
sandramj, hi. Please be kind to yourself. I have had cancer treatment for a year and met lots of women during my journey.I strongly believe overcoming this disease is doable . If you have overcome illnesses before you have the tools to overcome this one. I chose to do chemo. surgery and radiation. I did not want to but I did. I am glad I did and am here able to write to you.I found the cancer council very supportive and informative on my year long journey.
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Welcome Sandra.
Good rant I must say. Not much I can help you with atm but just know we're all here for you. 1 -
Dear Sandra, so sorry for your diagnosis.
You sound like a very brave and strong woman and you will come through this.
One thing you wrote really resonated with me - you said you never wanted to go to an oncology department. I often said to people treating me, I didn't plan to get cancer. These things just happen. I always thought I would get dementia like my mum, not cancer. My cancer counsellor said to me cheerfully, well you get both, quite right.
Getting some good counselling is important, via the Cancer Council is one avenue. Just being able to talk about your cancer, your fears and not having to be brave, is a great release. I once apologized to my counsellor about crying to her. She said, I am a cancer counsellor, people cry all the time, it's ok.
I would not be so brave about not telling your family about the newly found lumps. You need their support badly and won't get it if they don't know about it. Few of us can read minds.
I am guessing that you have looked after after other people all your life. Now it is your turn to be looked after through treatment.
Getting cancer is dreadful, the treatment most unpleasant but breast cancer has good statistics for survival. It also turns out many of us cope surprisingly well with baldness, illness, surgery to our breasts and the side effects. We don't like it but we go through with it and come out the other end. Try and take every day and every hour as it comes.
Very best wishes Karen
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Hi Sandramj. First, Huge enveloping soft hug!!!!! Then a deep breath! You are so full of strength, even when you want to curl into a ball and spend some time sobbing!! As for further sites in the breast, I too started with a tumor and then there was a satellite - I decided to have a mastectomy and as it turned out my satellite (wow that sounds fancy to have my own satellite!!
) was benign!! And I totally have no regrets about the mastectomy. I decided on information that I had at the time and how I felt. Even when you have the rug pulled out from under your feet you will simply reassess and go from there. There is no rule that states you have to like this whole situation. In a nutshell its CRAP!! But, this is one of the hardest times and the waiting gives you time to drive yourself nuts with what ifs. You sound as though you are incredibly sensible and prepared and I don't think anyone here would have gotten through being diagnosed and then surgery and other treatments without being angry, depressed, upset but also phenomenally strong. We are all here for you. Wishing you all the best. Xx Cath 1 -
@sandramj Firstly I want to say sorry that you are here and for the journey you have had so far. Something that struck me through what you said is you hadnt told family yet. I wondered if you were one of these beautiful women like many of us who have always put everyone before you? You mentioned about Louise Hay and different things and Im very familiar with all of it...and I know for me through my 6yr journey and a recurrence I finally woke up to a very personal lesson that I just hadnt learnt. I finally put myself above my work and I never did, my kids which is difficult being a single parent, but I am a better Mum by learning to nurture me more. Nurturing comes naturally to me and to many of us, but we forget ourselves along the way.
Every single thing you are experiencing and feeling is beyond normal, and people who say 'youll be ok' are trying their best to be supportive. Unfortunately friends and family mean well, but I found more comfort from those going through it, because we all 'get it' the complexity of every single emotion that goes with it. One thing at a time, be guided by your professionals and develop your confidence in them is pivotal. Take a deep breath and focus on YOU, nobody else and you will get through this each step of the way. Hugs Melinda xo3 -
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Hi Tracey, thank you formposting the above. I think us ladies need to remind ourselves all the words above.
Sandraj, all your feelings are normal, I'm 5 months into treatment and somedays i still think its not happening to me and that its a nightmare.
I was fairly healthy till bc. It is a long journey, i still have the surgery(mastectomy ) after chemo, then 6weeks of ratiation...(:(:( i just want the "C" out of me, i hate that long word for it.
Best wishes on your journey.
Take care...xoxoxo1 -
@Sandramj, there isn't much more I can add to all the supportive words from the other ladies. I'm so sorry for your diagnosis but this is a wonderful site to be yourself, vent and share.
I am also on the Gold Coast and under the care of Dr DiViana. He is the best - a wonderful cancer surgeon and reconstruction expert. The understanding and care from the Dr and his team helped me get through my diagnosis and surgery.
We all understand how you feel at the moment, but as impossible as it seems you will feel better once you have your results post op and have a treatment plan.
Remember that you are not alone, we are all here for you. Jane xx1 -
Thank you Jane - just knowing there is someone else on the Gold Coast who also had Dr de Viana is so reassuring..... AND its so reassuring knowing so many women are on here who have dealt with this monster and still fighting it AND SUPPORTING OTHERS. It is easier to "talk" on here than to friends & Family as I don't want to moan and understand when they say you'll be fine" etc but WE have the reality and enormity of breast cancer. THANK YOU for being here and posting. It means so much.... I've got my fingers crossed for today that the second lump in left breast if benign and so is the right lump Dr de Viana has okayed the two biopsies. 11am Afterwards we are meeting with our 21 y o grandson and his mate for lunch so it will be hard to put on that happy face - while my tummy is a like cyclone inside. Hope the people in the cyclone area are all safe today.0
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As I am new to this site please excuse any errors I might make - like I went to flag a post to keep it, but found it was only to report etc. Woops.
LADIES I am SOOOOO grateful for each of your posts and I feel like I have a "team" building that I can talk to and that feeling of not being alone and shut down is easing..... I am noticing I am beginning to open up and talk to my huisband and crying in front of him and expressing my fears etc - which is new for us - even after 47 years of marriage and many surgeries etc I don't usually tell him how I feel - to save him worrying - and MAYBE cos of the fear of him shutting me down. I have a feeling I am going to learn a lot with this new opportunity" for growth. ATM I'm not sure if talking positive is changing my mindset or if its just me masking my real feelings.....
THANKS LADIES FOR MAKING ME FEEL WELCOME AND that my feelings are "Normal" for where I'm at just now. Thanks for accepting into your inner circle. I look forward to contributing and hopefully at some stage giving back......
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Hi @sandramj you are so welcome here...we understand. And you will navigate your journey the best way you can....I read some interesting research about positive mindset recently: that you can actually help to rewire your brain in 21 days if you follow some positive mindset exercises, like at the end of the day sharing "3 good things" that happened that day. I have done this for years with my kids and hubby, coincidentally, and it has always been a good way of finding out how theirs and my days have gone.
Today I, too, am thankful for the wonderful support of this online network. It has made all the difference to me and has made my personal "journey" (hate that word, but...) easier. Nikki x2
