After Treatment
Hi everyone,
Sitting here after an ordinary day wondering am I normal or selfish, but it just seems no one gets my feelings after treatment. I hate what this bloody cancer does to us how it takes and takes. When I was diagnosed and through all of my treatment I have been so strong and now as I near the end I seem to be losing it.
I had a nice little business on the farm, with aftercare for the racehorses and a bit of spelling and yearling preparation, but found when some clients heard the word cancer they thought they should just go and not even discuss it with me. So there goes my income.
Now I am rearing to get back doing what I love and find a lot of my family and friends saying "oh you should just take it easy now" but I just want to feel like me again. The loneliness that comes with these feelings is hard to deal with, to be honest I have cried more in the last 2 days than I have since I was diagnosed. I'm sure some of you must have had similar feelings, so how do I jump these hurdles?
Thank you for listening to me vent.
Cheerz Jen ?? ?? ?? xx
Comments
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Hi Jen,
What you are feeling is unfortunately 'normal' for us. I think most of us get through treatment by hanging onto this idea that soon (when treatment ends) we can resume our lives again.
But not only do other people treat us differently (and yes a lot of this could be viewed as discrimination) but we discover that cancer has changed us in many ways too. Most of the people in our lives don't really get these changes and I think personnally it has taken me a long time to understand the different me too!
Certainly for me the first 12 months after treatment ended was tough. I called it the 'what now' stage. I can't tell you a magic way to get through this and find your new life but I can tell you that it helps to move forward and not keep comparing life before and after bc too much.
Being diagnosed with a major disease like cancer does forever change you but I have found that many of those changes eventually turn out to be ok, some even really good!
Meanwhile it does help a lot to share those feelings and experiences you will go through. Some of us do that on here, some find a face to face support group works well, some people find talking with a counsellor or other professional can help too. You need to know that you are not alone with this.
I am now over 2 years from the end of my treatment and life is very different but mostly really good. I like the new me now but it does take time to work everything out and find your way out of the cancer vortex. You don't have to do it alone though. Take care. Deanne xxx
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I believe what you are feeling is quite normal. I am in the middle of treatment and wonder if I will ever be able to just resume my life before it started. I'm am presently not working as I am too emotional and as I work as a counselor can't imagine being able to support someone presently. I guess really just take one day at a time. Start to plan your future again and what you would like to do versus what energy you currently have to achieve these things. It's okay to grieve about our loss, our loss of our previous lives is very real. Our loss of just feeling safe and healthy as we once were, now life has doubts and fears. Hope all goes well and you get back doing what you love best. Take care. Kath x
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Thank you Deanne,
I think that I am making the mistake thinking I am the person I used to be before bc, but you are right I am not that same person really and I am sure I will find my way in a new light but, I have to be a bit more patient and not expect so much of myself.
I am going to follow my passion with the horses because that I know has been my lifes work, just maybe on a smaller scale to suit me this time. Thank you again.
Cheers Jen ?? ?? ?? xx
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Hi Kath,
That must be so difficult for you being a counselor, I think we get so tired during treatment and as we get towards the end the emotions kick in and we realize the anomity of it all.
I have another 7 herceptins to go and will be done. Yes I suppose we are grieving for our past I didn't think of it that way, that's what is so special about this network getting a different prospective on things and it helps your mind set for sure. Take care and all the best with the rest of your treatment.
Cheers Jen ?? ?? ?? xx
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I gave away my horses when I was about 27 and got married and had a family. I still miss em. I miss their smell and their cuddles and thundering across the paddock in the moonlight. I miss their playful pretend nips and the lovely smell of their Lucerne hay. I miss the smell of leather. Ok I shut up now. Not making you feel any better.
I was going to retire early at 50 till the stock market crash and now after cancer at 53 I am thinking gosh that old age pension is a long way off and what do I do now, get a job? What job, should I do some sort of training? Still tired from chemo and about to start hormone therapy next. Then I will see what I can figure out for my future. Being a hobo doesn't look too bad either, travelling across Australia lol.
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HI Jenny, No need to feel lonely, you have lots of friends on this site that you can talk to anytime who all understand exactly what you are going through. What you are feeling is very normal. While you are in treatment you are "fighting the battle" therefore your thoughts are otherwise engaged. It may be the mind's way of telling you its time to move on from here now and get back into life.
You sound like a very strong, independent woman. You need to do what YOU need to do. You are the only person who can judge that. Getting back into work is probably the best thing for you. I have found being idle is the devil's playground where cancer is concerned. All you do is worry and that makes us weak and vulnerable.
Generally, people don't know what to say or how to behave around us. My advice to you is to find one or two good friends you are able to talk to about your cancer - because we all have to offload occasionally. Friends are not as emotionally connected to you as family are and less likely to fire platitudes back at you and try to wrap you in cotton wool.
Suex
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Hey Brenda,
Horses are the best therapy.x I have been in the racing industry since I was 14 and it is in my blood, oh that smell nothing like it. I'm feeling much better mate thanks to my pink sisters here. I spent the day around the farm with hubby getting a few things sorted, oh and getting focused for the future...We can all do it after bc.....Yes we can ?
Cheers Jen ?? ?? x
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Hi Sue,
I love this network of beautiful people, it is like an extended family. Everyone of us has something to offer that is what is so special.
I found it difficult to understand why people just dropped off when they found out I had cancer, especially people that have known you for years. Why don't they just talk to you? It's not like we are contagious, that really hurt.
Family mean well they are just being protective and forget that you are a real person and look at you as Wife and Mum with cancer, I guess they too have to get passed it all.
Thank you for your kindess Sue.
Cheers Jen ?? ?? ?? xx
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Don't worry about the people who "dropped off". They were never meant to be in your life. xx
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So right Sue, their loss.
Cheers Jen ?? ?? x
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