Mental Torcher
HI, I was on here a quite a lot round July August when I finished treatment. I was supportive and upbeat and had encouraging words for some that posted. I went off and returned to work and got busy and tried to get on with things and forget. I was reminded today I had my 12 week Radiation oncology appointment today. busy busy day today running round doing heaps, my daughters 12th birthday is tomorrow, I thought I was doing OK? I had returned to work 5 weeks ago and after the 3rd day back at work a colleague comes to work with Shingles so yep of course I ended up with it had 2 weeks off and only went back to work last week again?? Stupidity of some is insane! Most people whom get ill get panadol and rest but not us special people, 4 weeks coming off steroids, antiviral meds, antibiotics and pain relief and a scarred body.
Anyhow, I had my 12 week check told Doc I do not sleep well at all, usually up round 1 2 4 am then up at 530am to go to work, in bed by 10pm so no sleep here, happy if I get 4 hours solid. Im cranky, no patience, snappy and trying to hold my crap together for my 2 young children whom Im mum and dad too 24/7.
Tonight is hard, tonight is realising I have concentrated so hard on all my treatment and getting through each day for the last 10 months and no focus on what I actually have or the realisation of having cancer has now hit? and the possibilities that I know I should not even think of what could happen?? head is spinning miles and miles? the crappy stats on triple negative BC the side effects of FEC and Doxytecil (however you spell it) the ongoing bone pain that wakes me the cold n hot sweats from the chemo putting me into menopause makes me question too much, sorry this is getting morbid. Im sad tonight. Its my babies birthday tomorrow and I feel like Im starting all over again without the treatment, pure mental torcher, new journey with no date to end??
Comments
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Kezza you have been through so much and you are amazing to have made it through. I am sending you a big hug and hope that tomorrow is a better day for you Xxxx
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As I say Kezza, it's part of the grieving process, the reality check, the tiredness etc. You've been unwell to boot! Seeing the doctors is a reminder of it all, the fear of it coming back hits you in the face and yes, you do wonder how many more birthdays you will have with your kids. As you know, I'm experiencing much the same as you at the moment. I wish I could fix it for both of us. Yep, back to one day at a time for both of us. Hang in there. Love Karen xox
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Hi Kezza,
My heart goes out to you. Comments from people, doctors' appointments bring up various thoughts. You've been through so much and yes chemo plays havoc on your body by giving you menopause symptoms (earlier than 'normal') which effects your ability to sleep. Earlier this week I didn't sleep at all in the heat. Hot flushes every 2 hours at night and unable to get back to sleep. Fortunately I'm not back at work yet as I'm still having radiotherapy and not prepared to walk back into a classroom of 28 students and deal with comments from them, their parents and colleagues. I'd hate to think what it's like to have to work on such little sleep.
BC and its treatment plays such a toll on our bodies both physically and emotionally. I was reminded by a psychologist that it is a grieving process cancer diagnosis, loss of body parts/hair etc, changes from normal.
Remember you're doing a great job at being a fantastic all rounder parent to your kids. If your sadness persists along with the lack of sleep have a talk to your gp or someone one from the cancer council. Hopefully you'll get support there.
Be kind to yourself.
Karen xx
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Oh Kezzab, I'm sending you a giant cuddle, and glad that you came here to vent. The whole thing does suck, and you've got a right to say so. I get insomnia too, and my solution is to go to bed about 9.30pm, so that I do get some sleep. You've probably got so much going through your head about work and the kids that this doesn't help either. Is it worth giving the cancer council a call to see if the can assist. Feeling for you Honey, and sending you a big hug, Trace ??????
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Hi Kezza, firstly a turtle hug (they are extra special you know!!) You have been through so very much and it is a very normal (if not damn annoying) thing that after the safety of treatment is cut you seem to wake up one day and find that it is not all over and you are in free fall.. We seem to be expected to get over it and are susceptible to the thought pattern of... "you have finished treatment so what is your problem".. Answer, we are damn awesome but not super women.
Looking at everything that has been going on.. No wonder you are back on the roller coaster right now.. So looking at all the stuff I will try to add some things that have helped me get through stuff.. so here goes..
FEC and Docetaxel are crazy bone achers of the highest order. I did regular panadol osteo for a while and it helped.. I found it needed to be consistent.. (if that does not help, speak to your doc and they should be able to help you with something a little stronger - though i have also been known to take a couple of nurofen half way between times for the osteo too)
no sleep, argh.. I hear you.. without sleep you have almost no ability to cope with much at all.. I eat 14 walnut halves each evening and also take a magnesium suppliment which seems to help me sleep better. I was also low in zinc and got that sorted and found i was not so fatigued (who knew).
the magnesium also assists with my feelings.. nice!! and until i started on my Afinitor and Exemestane I was also happily taking St Johns Wort.. damn amazing stuff.. (cannot now due to drug interaction).
Most importantly, if you are trying stuff and you still feel as if you are in a hole and cannot climb out, do not be afraid to ask for help as the hand up can be so very helpful.
I am sending you a wonderful and warm healing light to surround you and assist you.. Right now it is all overwhelming and that is OK and very normal.. Choose one thing at a time to solve and with each win it will become a little easier. Then you will begin to become you again and find your happy place and the 'new you' .. yes the new you not the old you.. Take time out for you, and be kind to yourself and give yourself space. It takes time to heal and each person take on it is different.. Hug your daughter and know that each day is a win and a little better.. I hope with all my heart that you are feeling better really really soon.. hugs Sharon (pink66)0 -
Hi Kezza
People like you are the inspiration for those of us who are just starting our journey (as I like to call it). You remind us that we are human, that things do get us down despite our yearning to keep everything 'normal'. Whilst your journey has been tough, you are doing an amazing job. I cannot make things change or go away, but do know you make a difference. Hang in there gorgeous. Take care xx
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Wow Kezza I can only imagine how you're feeling. We all have our stories, I wish I could give you a real hug. Sometimes that's all I need someone who kind of understands and a big 'don't let go' hug. You can do this, I'm told it's a long journey, don't let it wear you down. You're allowed to have bad days. Hope your daughter had a lovely birthday. Be positive and keep kicking arse xx
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Hi Kezza - I know where you're coming from! I have awful bone pain from being on Femara. I find acupuncture really really helps. It won't stop the pain forever but a couple of sessions every 3 or 4 months helps me a lot and I was actually able to sleep through the night. I also have awful hot flushes. I found this wonderful gel pillow insert that works wonders for me. I got it from Lorraine Lea - you can order it online. I put it inside my pillow and the difference it made to my sleep was simply amazing.
As to the other stuff in your post - I went through the same thing during the last couple of months (I'm a year down the track after a mastectomy) and am only now coming up to the light. It is really tough. Sometimes I think about everything I went through and realise that it was really awful but at the time I just focused on day to day. I think that's why it hits you after a while.
Try and stay positive - it can be really hard to do and believe me, I know!! Talking on this board really helps me, especially when I realise that hey, I'm not the only one with these thoughts - so many of us are going through the same experiences.
love and hugs - Tink xx
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