Unlucky?
I'm currently 6 months into my breast cancer journey and have finished chemo, just having started radiotherapy. I was diagnosed with a stage 2 invasive ductal breast carcinoma (3 tumors, skin and nipple involved with 2 sentinel nodes positive within the breast). I had a (L) mastectomy as well as a full auxiliary clearance (auxiliary nodes were all clear).
Having survived chemo which was a very challenging time for me I now find myself struggling with the different emotions that comes with this experience and am trying to see the light again.
I've come here a couple of times and would read someone's blog and everytime I read a post I've been confronted with one word, the word 'luckily'... "Luckily, it didn't spread", "Luckily, they found it in time", "Luckily, there were no lymph nodes involved".....and it suddenly throws me into the worst feeling of condemnation and fear. I think I feel confronted with the fact that mine did spread, that mine did have lymph nodes involved but most if all that little voice in my head just yells out: "see, you weren't lucky".
I have not yet met anyone with the same diagnoses or stage or pathology as me and it probably doesn't matter but I sometimes wish I could so I didn't feel so alone in mine. I know that no one's type of cancer is easier or worse than someone elses. Cancer is cancer. But I dont want to feel like the 'unlucky' one standing on the outside looking in. I wish I didn't feel so scared or insecure about this word 'luckily'. It has nothing to do with luck after all.
What it does teach me is to be careful when i speak or write about my experience. I choose my words carefully. I never use the word 'luckily' in front of any sentence because it's not necessary or needed and i know how it can make someone else feel reading it . I guess I'd just like to believe that none of us are lucky or unlucky. In the end I am just like everyone else who would like to believe that she will survive this battle. ??
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Hi NE
The emotional aspects of cancer are daunting. You are in the right place here. I was allways searching for someone with the same diagnosis as me. We are human I suppose and like to know there is someone out there the same. Mine was in my aux nodes (confession didn't know what a sentinal node was), had a full clearance - 8 cycles chemo, radio and hercepton was my treatment plan. In the end I started to accept that it is as it is (most of the time), and just keep moving forward.
Pam
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Hi NE,
I understand where you are coming from. My cancer was Stage 2A and I had tumours in my lymph nodes. It can be very isolating when you hear others comments about being lucky that they escaped something that you have/had. My feeling on this is that everyone is looking for a positive in their own cancer journey, hence the "I am lucky because...". So don't feel bad when you read these comments, it's just a form of personal therapy that people are using.
How are you going with your treatment? I had 6 months of chemo which I also found really tough, followed by 5 weeks of radiotherapy. I actually had radiotherapy using deep inspiration breathing to protect my heart, is this something that you have been offered? I found radiotherapy to be much easier than chemo. The main inconveniences were having to go every day, and my skin got fairly burnt and blistered afterwards but healed quickly.
Take care, Katie xo
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Hi NE
I can relate to your post. I too have felt that I must be particularly unlucky to have tnbc and node involvement especially when reading all those' lucky' ones without node involvement. The thing is there are no guarantees for any of us regardless of status because we all got cancer! We are all going through an ordeal and dealing with it as best we can.
Thanks for your post I think your message is important. Good luck with the radiotherapy- I am yet to start as I have just had a mastectomy with reconstruction. I also endured 6 months of chemo. It is a hell of a ride.
all the best
Lisa
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You've nailed it on the head Katie. Ive since read other posts where people dislike words used like 'journey' and 'battle' (ones I've used often). It's true what you say that everyone is looking for a positive but how hard it is to hear that they feel 'lucky' to not have something that hat you have. Anyway, i am also finding radiotherapy much easier than chemo. I had to be hospitalized for all my chemo sessions due to severe side effects which was the most horrible part for me. I am not familiar with the deep breathing tecnique you are referring to. It probably depends how deep they irradiate. I was told only a very small top corner of my lung will be in the treatment zone. The rest is just chest wall, breast & skin on breast. I will have 6 weeks radiotherapy and have been given a new product to prevent burns on my skin. It is a film that stays taped on the breast for the whole duration of treatment to prevent the skin from blistering, thus not ending up with burns. Apparently it should reduce burning by up to 90%. Because i had skin involved (cancerous) they irradiate me with a 'bolus' on my breast. (bolus is a material which has properties equivalent to tissue when irradiated).
Yes, it is a bit tedious the drive to and from treatment i must agree??. I guess with 4 weeks to go it's not going to get any better either Lol. How long ago was your treatment? Which lymph nodes were cancerous in your case?
Thank you for your response. Regards Rene
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Thank you for your response Lisa. All the best with your treatment. Take care xo
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Hi NE,
Having cancer is very isolating as most of us will not know many others (or any others) that have been down exactly the same path making it difficult to compare what one person has gone through with your own journey / ordeal.
I am still to find someone that has had exactly the same diagnosis (3 tumours, 2 of which were invasive lobular & 1 invasive ductal, hormone positive and HER2 + and one lymph node involvement), meaning my treatment was mastectomy, chemo for 5 months, Herceptin for 12 months, radiotherapy and now hormone tablets for the next 5-10 years. However, I've found that although our paths may differ, we still have so many common experiences and feelings that draw us together and which is why I've found this a good site to try and process some of the thoughts and feelings that have arisen over the past three years. Not everyone else's experience will resonate with me but many other's do and their stories are usually the ones I will feel most drawn to.
I think we all have particular words or phrases that grate, or cause us to feel even more anxious and worried - my initial pet hate was the "think positive" mantra - but I think it is all just a part of us, or those around us, trying to process the enormity of it all.
Not sure if this is something you've considered, but it might be worth attending a support group, or something like the Encore exercise program (for women with breast cancer), where you might meet others who are at the same stage / able to relate to your experiences so that you don't feel quite so isolated.
You're so right, not one of us is "lucky" or "unlucky", we're all just trying to get our heads around what has happened and sometimes simple words just fail us. Jane xx
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Hi Ne,
Thank you for your honest post about the emotional effects of facing a cancer diagnosis. I too, am facing the question of, am I unlucky to experience this? Having just had this conversation with my med oncologist 2 days ago at my last chemo session, that word came up. I don't consider my self to be particularly old at 48, breast fed 2 kids, fit, slim, healthy, had a wine with dinner (oops maybe that was it?), they have no answers!!
I ended up having a mastectomy after 2 previous surgeries to conserve my breast with a lumpectomy and wider excision as there were cells in margins. I haven't yet found another person who had a mucinous tumour which doesn't fully show on mammogram. (apparently it's quite uncommon) My tumour was larger and more irregular than what was initially thought and in final breast pathology, there was a second similar tumour hiding in my breast unbeknownst to anyone (so maybe I was lucky to have dcis in the tissue margins, who knows?). I'm now concerned about keeping an eye on my other breast, and think I'll have to have mris to watch it carefully.
I spoke with a psychologist the other day at chemo, as well, which I found a great help. I think I'm coming to terms with the process of grieving of a life before cancer and a lost breast. Also the fact that I feel my life is effectively on hold.
I started yoga last week and it was interesting that the 4 out of 5 of the women there were all breast cancer women at different stages of their treatment. I've also enrolled in the encore program to start in October in my area. Looking forward to face to face meetings with some women, hopefully a similar age.
Thank you again for your honesty.
All the best with the rest of your treatment.
Karen xx
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Hi NE I love your post because it actually describes the very mixed and unpredictable emotions that come with not just diagnosis but even before. That one minute you are just fitting in a routine breast screen between everyday activities and then the next blurry weeks - do I hope for the best or prepare for the worst, do I hope or not!! I suddenly became very aware of what was going on around me and looking for signs and I'm not a superstitious person. Within a month I have been prodded and poked, scanned and biopsied, injected and operated on and now am 2 weeks post surgery. And what I have learnt is not knowing is worse than knowing, and that being "protected" from bad news or sympathetic looks and nodding without actually giving me the facts is worse. I was still hoping for the best when in hindsight I'm sure professionals knew it was not going to be OK but they don't tell you. I know people mean well but let me cry and just tell me what I need to know and I will deal with it. I can only do what I have control over. I have specifically not said my diagnosis as it is probably better than some and worse than others but it is my reality and I will take my treatment as recommended do some extra research my self and hope for the best. Will chemo be bad ? I don't know it might be bad or Ok but it will be what it is and I will cross that bridge when I get to it. Some times I read posts and I feel my anxiety rise and others make me feel good but that might be just not real. So my job in all of this is to take the advice of the best people I can find. Keep myself rested and eat well and exercise and take the recommended treatment and have some belief that I will be alright and this will be seen as an event in my long life. All the best to you and all of the other people affected by breast cancer
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Dear Christine. I am so sorry for your painful experience. Good on you for sticking it out and you sum it up by saying that waking up every morning is the biggest blessing. Thank you for your honesty. Take care. Love Rene
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It sounds like you are doing all the right things and i am sorry that you have to be here where we all find ourselves. Good luck with chemo and everything else that lies ahead. One step at a time. I hope at least your surgeon is being open and honest with you. Mine was and I appreciated it. Take care. Rene
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Hi Rene Yes my surgeon was fabulous thank goodness In fact everything improved from the minute I was seen by her and that is exactly the difference. Best wishes Nola
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