I hate this
Well it's 3am, I'm so bloody tired yet I can't sleep. It's treatment day today. No biggy. It's just an infusion. It's just accessing the port. I'm so close to the finish now with only 4 treatments to go. It's only 24 hours of feeling yuck. Yet I'm so damn anxious I just can't sleep. I hate this. With everything I've had done to me, accessing the port is the thing that freaks me out! How bloody stupid. It makes me so angry at myself because it is so ridiculous! Pull yourself together woman! You can do this. It's a piece of cake, a walk in the park! I know I'm setting myself up to fall in a heap but I can't seem to help it. I had a really late night for me on Saturday as I was at A&E with my son after he sustained a footy injury. I'm pretty much working full time. I'm exhausted. I didn't get out of my pjs yesterday. I haven't exercised for a couple of days now. I did no housework at all on the weekend. My super woman facade is crumbling. No one else has noticed that I'm floundering. I just want to cry. My son is on crutches and in pain. I'm looking after him now too. He can no longer help me. I so hate what you've done to me bc. I'm so hoping that by purging myself in writing that I can ease the anxiety, I can acknowledge how I'm feeling and pushed forward. That I can hopefully get some more sleep before my 5 30 wake up call so that I can get to the hospital on time. I have that dreadful feeling of being alone, that I can't rely on anyone else to help. Not physically, emotionally or practically. I really struggle with asking for help, few have offered throughout the last 12 months and the people who have helped are exhausted too. I would rather they were there for me on my treatment days than cleaning my house. They can't do both. Bc has taken a huge toll on my limited support too. I so hate what you've done bc!
Sorry for for the rant ladies. I just need to let it out before it encapsulates me completely. Onward and upward. Tomorrow is another day,
Karen
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Hi:):) Yes,today is another day.WE on the network are here for you,so use us as support.You sound so tired,and sometimes,with tiredness ,you feel so down and helpless.Its a vicious circle really isn't it? Try and keep yourself distracted today,and like you say,you are nearing the end.I feel that for most of us,as we near the last bit of treatment,we start to feel very worn down,but please know that you WILL feel better,emotionally and physically,and when you do,you will feel much more in control.Dont be harsh on yourself at the moment.just do what needs to be done.I wish that I lived close to you...I'd pop in for a coffee!!!!! Cheers Robynxox
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Hang in there Karen. I too felt like giving up with 4 taxol treatments to go four years ago. I had a bit of a melt down with my oncologist that morning, then developed a migraine while having treatment. I stuck in there and got through it. Rest as much as you can and don't feel guilty about it. We are all strong women and can achieve anything.
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Hi Karen, I hope you are feeling a better and managed a bit of sleep before you set off today. I reckon even Superwoman has an off day now and then so I think we can forgive ourselves when we hit those days when it all seems too hard and so unfair. You are nearly there, there's a light at the end of the tunnel (although sometimes it can feel like we've been going down that tunnel for such a long time) and although we can't physically be there for you, I know that all of us are cheering you on. Hugs, Jane xx
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Hi Karen,Just wanting to send through good vibes to you today, we're thinking of you. As always, it's really nice to see support coming through from the other members in the network. It's extraordinarily powerful to witness the strength of women when they come together. My sister gave me some advice recently - It's okay to feel. She calls it honouring your feelings. To feel angry, to feel fed up, to feel freaked out, alone, to feel frustrated. To hate bc. To drop your bundle because your bundle is significant at the moment. Sometimes, honouring our feelings enables us a little breathing space to let these feelings wash over us, to be kind to ourselves. As Robyn has said, just do what needs to be done today and manage what's in front of you right now. Good luck today, let us know how you go x Steph
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Hi Karen oh boy do I know how you feel. We plod along reaching each milestone and we think yes I can do this and then we fall in a heap. But you know what putting it up on the site and getting responses from others may make you feel better, I always feel better after a rant. Some dys I stuggle more than others we are only human going through a crappy time. I do hope you had some sleep and today went well, sending you hugs and smile.
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Hi All you Wonderful Ladies. Thanks so much for the support. Feeling a bit average after the infusion. Tired, headache, on and off nausea and just generally not feeling right. I have made an executive decision to have tomorrow off work and to just take the time I need. Hubby had the day off today and he has stripped the beds and re-made them, taken care of our son, folded the 3 baskets of washing I had sitting there, bought in all the washing that was on the line and folded it and put it away and made tea! My brother, girlfriend and i arrived at the hospital at 7.30am, we left home at 6 and got home just after 4.30pm. It's a big day. I'm going to have an early night and combined with some rest tomorrow, I'm hoping I will feel a bit better and a bit more able to cope. I think you are right Steph, we do need to honour our feelings. I spend so much time putting on the brave face and facade, just as much to myself as everyone else, that when I can't do it anymore for whatever reason, I tend to drop my bundle completely. I hate putting negative messages out but sometimes you just need to get it out. Thanks again for listening and the support.
karen xox
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Hi Karen,
I saw your post this morning, and wanted to pop back and offer you some support. I'm glad you're able to take the day off tomorrow. Hope you're able to plan some relaxing and enjoyable things to soothe your mind while your body has a bit of a rest!
Sarah
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Hi Karen, Like Steph I'm a big believer in allowing yourself to feel whatever is going on. If you want to cry and watch bad movies all day then just do it. One thing I do know is that the housework won't go anywhere and when you feel like it you can do it then. If the garden isn't weeded and looking gorgeous so what. I have shouted my self a lawn mower man and I'm going to keep him. I don't care if I can't weed the garden and if the house is a train wreck, well I don't care much about that either. If people come to the house and they don't like it that will be their problem not mine. The people who love me won't care either.
I am working and am the primary carer for my 91 year old Mum and I know I can't do it all so I'm not going to. I do what needs to be done these days and I'm ok with that. In a few months I might think what a rotten slob I've become and decide to make amends - who knows maybe my laissez-fair attitude will continue.
You have to be kind to yourself and just allow yourself to let some things go.
Thinking of you today and tomorrow. Take it easy. Maureen
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Hi Karen, bit late reading your post, of course it's ok to rant. Considering what we go through, it's no wonder it gets on top of us. I hope you have a good sleep and feel a bit better. I also hate what BC takes away from us, but all of us are fighters and this network is such a big help, sending you big big hugs,
Hazel xx
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Hi Karen,
Ugh. Overwhelmed and no wonder. I'm so glad to hear that your husband was able to pitch in and mop up a few of the tasks.
I feel really lucky - 8 Taxol treatments to go and my body seems to be coping quite well so far. I don't have the big demands on me of family and work, and my husband doesn't work full time. I wonder how I'll be when I'm in the last weeks like you?
Sending you big hugs.
Love from Gillian
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Thanks girls. I'm back on top of things again (for the moment at least any way) the house and garden still look like hell but so be it. I ended up having a couple of jammies days, which I think did me the world of good. I just had to stop! I was so tired. Hope you are all doing ok. Love Karen xox
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