Feeling sad
This year, as Christmas approaches I feel the chasm that has developed between my little family and my extended family. I was very fortunate to have absolutely wonderful support during and after treatment from many people but my brother and his family were not a part of this. For the months of chemo and radio, I had very little contact with them despite them living only 30 minutes away. In fact the only conversation that I had with my brother during these months was when I rang him to wish him well before he was to have surgery for a hernia.
Mother's Day was a tricky one for me as it marked the year from diagnosis for me. I very much wanted to mark this by taking part in the Mother's Day Classic, which I did with my husband and daughters. My Mum and Dad said they would have joined us except my brother invited them to an outing with his young children (his wife was away spending Mothers Day with her own Mum). Seeing all the families (and young children) walking together I felt very sad that they could not have supported us by coming along.
Later in the year, my daughter and I took part in a 10km walk for women's cancers. We raised over $3000 but were not sponsored by my brother or sister and they did not even respond to a text my husband sent out to family and friends from the finish line. As my daughter said she thought our family were close before all this and would have expected great support from them. We all felt upset that there was just no response.
So Cristmas Day approaches and this year our family are getting together at my brother's for lunch. I am trying very hard to just put aside the feelings of hurt that I have over what has happened and be happy that we can all be together but it is not just me that this has affected. My daughters in particular feel very disconnected from their Aunt and Uncle. Has anyone else experienced this feeling of disconnection and how do you cope with it? Sorry to be so down when I know many of you are facing more major hurdles at this time. I just feel so sad that this has happened as I always thought we were very close and could always count on each other in a crisis. Christmas just does not have the same feel to it this year.
Deanne Comments
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I wonder how many others agree with this message when it comes to family and friends. I am also over the treatment by others. I had my sisters 2 very young children for 9 weeks so that she could recover from her bowel cancer operation. And yet I have not heard from her at all, I sucked in my pride to ring her and ask if my daughter and I could stay with her the night before I had reconstruction surgery in Melbourne as I didn't want my 18year old daughter alone in a motel the night I was in hospital. All went well but have not heard from her since. I sent her two text messages to let her know I was ok, and another to say thanks. Text is a bit impersonal but she screens all her phone calls and lets them go to message anyway. I have not heard from my brother at all, his wife does call but that is it. Everyone dropped everything for my sister but because I am the younger strong one apparently I can cope. I even cleaned out my study and put two spare beds for my parents when I had my hysterectomy weeks after finishing radiation. Only for them to not come at all.
And my neighbours across the road, good friends of 12 years have not come near us??? I have stopped waiving as they drive past.
'Sadly this is so common, I don't get it, trying not stress over others selfish behaviour.
Spending Christmas on our own.
Love to you Deanne
Viv
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I wonder how many others agree with this message when it comes to family and friends. I am also over the treatment by others. I had my sisters 2 very young children for 9 weeks so that she could recover from her bowel cancer operation. And yet I have not heard from her at all, I sucked in my pride to ring her and ask if my daughter and I could stay with her the night before I had reconstruction surgery in Melbourne as I didn't want my 18year old daughter alone in a motel the night I was in hospital. All went well but have not heard from her since. I sent her two text messages to let her know I was ok, and another to say thanks. Text is a bit impersonal but she screens all her phone calls and lets them go to message anyway. I have not heard from my brother at all, his wife does call but that is it. Everyone dropped everything for my sister but because I am the younger strong one apparently I can cope. I even cleaned out my study and put two spare beds for my parents when I had my hysterectomy weeks after finishing radiation. Only for them to not come at all.
And my neighbours across the road, good friends of 12 years have not come near us??? I have stopped waiving as they drive past.
'Sadly this is so common, I don't get it, trying not stress over others selfish behaviour.
Spending Christmas on our own.
Love to you Deanne
Viv
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Oh my lord! I can relate to this. More so with friends than family but it is very hurtful. I spoke to my counsellor about this subject and the advise she gave me was to:
* accept that some people can't cope with "cancer" for what ever reason. Maybe having been through it all before they feel they don't want to do it again
* accept that some people don't care about you as much as you do them
* remember who helped you and who supported you when the roles are reversed and don't waste your valuable energy on people who don't deserve it
* when they ask how you are, don't lie. Tell them exactly how you are as they may not realise
* accept that you have changed and your relationships have changed. Some for the better, some for the worst.
Deanne, you are well. Use your energy to love those who love you. If necessary just have Christmas at home with your immediate family. Maybe it's time to start new traditions. I hope you are able to move past the sadness and get to enjoy your Christmas. Xoxo Karen0 -
My partner's family all live in the same suburb as us, which is only a very smallish suburb, you could easily ride a bike from one end of town to the other in around 5 to 10 mins. However it has been my family that has been travelling 80km round trips daily, weekly, monthly for the past 2 years whilst I have been pregnant and then with treatment to help with our children.
For the past couple of months we have been discussing moving closer to my family however this past weekend my partner told me that he had no intentions on moving to where I believe our family needs to be.
Due to the lack of consideration and help from his family I can only assume that they are quietly trying to divide and conquer our family unit (they have never liked me). However this Christmas too I have to sit and eat Christmas lunch at my MIL's place. So I can sympathise with you Deanne on how you must be feeling, thinking of how unsupportive the family has been but you have to sit and grin and bear it for the rest of the family that you love.
I hope you get some time with your girls away from it all as well and cherish the fact that it has been another Christmas that you get to spend with them. Just like I will be cherishing my precious children on this day, I will be hanging out to get to my parents for dinner that night and spending quality time with the people that I know that do care for my family.
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My partner's family all live in the same suburb as us, which is only a very smallish suburb, you could easily ride a bike from one end of town to the other in around 5 to 10 mins. However it has been my family that has been travelling 80km round trips daily, weekly, monthly for the past 2 years whilst I have been pregnant and then with treatment to help with our children.
For the past couple of months we have been discussing moving closer to my family however this past weekend my partner told me that he had no intentions on moving to where I believe our family needs to be.
Due to the lack of consideration and help from his family I can only assume that they are quietly trying to divide and conquer our family unit (they have never liked me). However this Christmas too I have to sit and eat Christmas lunch at my MIL's place. So I can sympathise with you Deanne on how you must be feeling, thinking of how unsupportive the family has been but you have to sit and grin and bear it for the rest of the family that you love.
I hope you get some time with your girls away from it all as well and cherish the fact that it has been another Christmas that you get to spend with them. Just like I will be cherishing my precious children on this day, I will be hanging out to get to my parents for dinner that night and spending quality time with the people that I know that do care for my family.
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We have family who we supported through a death of one of their family,shortly before I got BC.I didn't tell them when I was diagnosed,as I chose to keep it to myself until I was through treatment.Following treatment,I told them during one of our regular phone calls.Can you believe we have not heard from them since!!!!!!!It has been almost a year,as I had my last chemo one year ago today:):):)I couldn't care any more.I choose to care about myself,and the people that I know DO CARE about me..I know that everyone reacts differently when confronted with the Big C word,but come on,surely a call isn't too much to expect!!!!! Have a GREAT Christmas Deanne.xxxRobyn.0
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We have family who we supported through a death of one of their family,shortly before I got BC.I didn't tell them when I was diagnosed,as I chose to keep it to myself until I was through treatment.Following treatment,I told them during one of our regular phone calls.Can you believe we have not heard from them since!!!!!!!It has been almost a year,as I had my last chemo one year ago today:):):)I couldn't care any more.I choose to care about myself,and the people that I know DO CARE about me..I know that everyone reacts differently when confronted with the Big C word,but come on,surely a call isn't too much to expect!!!!! Have a GREAT Christmas Deanne.xxxRobyn.0
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Oh wow, Robyn. I did not realise that you had that last chemo so close to last Christmas. This Christmas will be an extra special celebration for you and your family! We have come such a long way and you are right, we should spend our time and energy with those who we know care about us as much as we care about them. Hope you have a GREAT Christmas too! Deanne xxx0
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Thanks Narelle. I will cherish some special time with my girls. Hope you enjoy your Christmas with your family too. Deanne xxx0
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Thanks Viv. It is just so hard to understand some people's responses. But I know it says more about their issues than it does about us!
Enjoy your Christmas. Sometimes it is just lovely to be able to have a quiet one with those closest to us. I hope the majority of my day will be like that too. Take care. Deanne xxx0 -
My daughter is one of those that is blessed to walk this earth, she is more beautiful on the inside than out and loved by many. This also brings the jealousy out in others here is a quote that she often says to me.
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It is surprising who we get support from but probably has a lot to do with their life experiences. I have remarked to my husband that strangely we got more support from the neighbours (who we barely knew before this) than most of our families (his family live a long way away but they did ring quite often, particularly his Mum).
Merry Christmas to you and I hope 2015 is a happy and healthy one for you. Take care. Deanne xxx0 -
Your daughter is wise beyond her years! So true!0
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Hello Deanne
I appreciated reading all the great advice offered toyou today. Christmas so often can be a yucky time ... society has tainted it with certain expectations! And yes it is funny who has supported me and who hasn't.
My brother hasn't ignored me, but he just acts as if nothing has happened. I see him just as many times as I used too. I thought it was partly cause of fear that it could happen to his family, and that they lack understanding. My best friends husband was diognosed with prostrate cancer 7 months before I was diognosed with bc, and I thought I had been supporting them. But it wasn't till I was diognosed that I realised exactly what they are going through, how it was me saying keep positive (Gaaaa) and ëverything will be fine etc and then changing the subject. Now I can ring and celebrate each milestone, whinge about any hiccups and actually talk to them.
Pam
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Hello Deanne
I appreciated reading all the great advice offered toyou today. Christmas so often can be a yucky time ... society has tainted it with certain expectations! And yes it is funny who has supported me and who hasn't.
My brother hasn't ignored me, but he just acts as if nothing has happened. I see him just as many times as I used too. I thought it was partly cause of fear that it could happen to his family, and that they lack understanding. My best friends husband was diognosed with prostrate cancer 7 months before I was diognosed with bc, and I thought I had been supporting them. But it wasn't till I was diognosed that I realised exactly what they are going through, how it was me saying keep positive (Gaaaa) and ëverything will be fine etc and then changing the subject. Now I can ring and celebrate each milestone, whinge about any hiccups and actually talk to them.
Pam
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