Five Pearls of wisdom

@Molly001 Thank you for sharing your diary entry.
And thank you everyone else.
I will offer up Pearls of Wisdom if they ever come to me.

Hi @PatsyN, as you can see, you are definitely not alone in the very mixed feelings that come with ending treatment. As @SoldierCrab has said, this is often the time when people fall apart a bit as your focus shifts from the day to day to the long term and the enormity of what you have faced and the grieving for the old you can hit you like a freight train.
Can I suggest that you write about what you are feeling at the moment. It can be helpful to keep a diary of this time and chart the little changes, victories and joys (and not so joyous bits) that can occur over time. 
Do others have stories of how they managed this time of transition?
Don't forget our Helpline team is here for you too.
And finally, congratulations PatsyN  on your fabulous news (even if it is overshadowed at the moment by all the mixed emotions). 

PatsyN, when all my treatments finished that is when I fell apart .... you are going to make it back to the happy places it just takes time for me it meant I needed to see a psychologist to work through all those confusing emotions. Be gentle on yourself... @Molly001 your entry is very much a thought of all who finish treatment. 

What wonderful news @PatsyN  But so hard to process knowing what you've lost and what you've gone through to get here.  So, both a wake and a celebration.  If you can, find something that will give you joy and peace - catch up with an understanding friend, walk in a garden, go to the beach, see an exhibition, find a warm corner and read a good book.

@PatsyN the emotions at the end of rads didn't make sense to me either. You know you're supposed to feel happy to be cured and relieved to be done with treatment, but you end up feeling sad for what has happened to you and lost as to what next. All of those happy and sad feelings were there, which is wierd and confusing and leaves you both underwhelmed and overwhelmed at once. It does get slowly better. I finished rads in Sept and still have bad days, for sure, but I stay on a much more even keel overall. Patsy, I'd like to share what I wrote in my diary on my last day of rads, which is anxiety provoking for me to do, but I think it reflects what you have said and hope it helps. Here it is...

I had my final radiotherapy today, which marks the end of active treatment for me. As I drove home reflecting on all that the year has brought, I couldn't make sense of the grief of all I have lost, the pain of what I have endured, and the ongoing uncertainty of whether or not it it has cured me. Feeling a little despondent in a moment when I should feel joy, relief and achievement, the sun shone through the rain and I was presented with a beautiful, clear rainbow in the sky and I knew instantly I am not alone and all is as it should be. No, I don't know what the future will bring for me, but I know that it is good, despite what I may endure.

The joy will come, look for it in the small things, but also allow yourself to grieve.

Ditto @PatsyN. No one gets it like you guys. You are all my tribe. We make each other better and stronger.

@kmakm Thank you so much Kate for your words of encouragement. The laptops of BCNA members must all be stained with tears. I cry when I read posts and when I write them. But this forum has made it so much easier. NO ONE understands until it happens to them and this is where I come to feel better, despite all the tears it creates. xoxo
@Finch I'm breathing as deep as I can taking into account not to inflate my chest too much, ouch, lol.

It will come @PatsyN, it will come. But only when you've grieved that person you've lost. For some of us this will be a brief time, for others it will be longer. I have walked nowhere near as close to the edge as you, but my internal world, my sense of self, has been completely upended and I feel like I'm sitting in ruins. I have not felt joyful finishing chemo. I type this to you with tears in my eyes. You have my empathy, my sympathy.

However having said all that, I am so delighted by your results! Rather than expecting joy, why don't you just sit with your new knowledge, along with the pain, acknowledge that it's there but place no expectations on yourself. Look up. You may be in the mud with dark clouds above, but those clouds are parting and you can see blue sky. It's there. One day there will be no clouds and you will be bathed in light. It's waiting for you and when you're ready, you'll be in the sunlight.

Hang tough through the next couple of weeks. You've been through so much, you've got this! You're a marvel and an inspiration. Big bear hug, Kate xox

Oh @PatsyN I wish I could give you a big hug right this minute. Deep breath my dear, once you're through this radiation thug you need to spoil yourself and do something special. Xxxxxx

@Marianne_BCNA  How timely this announcement is for me. I finished my rads on Tuesday, 1 week earlier than I had expected because my dose had been 'boosted'. I went for a CT Scan for a metastatic workup yesterday, having managed to get a cancellation. I woke up this morning feeling like I've been impaled by a steel rod that enters my chest and comes out my back. I cried and cried. I know that things will only get worse in the next week according to the graphs I've been shown. I decided to go to the Byron Bay cancer clinic and see if I could move forward my appointment with the oncologist as I'd finished rads a week earlier than expected. She said why not see him now? I said cause I only had the CT Scan done yesterday afternoon...
They made phone calls to all and sundry and 2 hours after I got there my test results had arrived into the oncologist's laptop.
He printed them out in front of me and read it very slowly. I'm stage IIIC and he had already suggested during radiation that more chemo might be in order.
Then he tells me that I'm clear. I don't believe him, I cry. He says that I'll be on Arimidex for the next 10 years and that I'll need an ultrasound on the cyst that they found in my liver (he assured me it's not cancerous but just a precaution).
So I am cured but feel worse than I've felt since I was diagnosed nearly one year ago.
I will never be the person I was and I need time to grieve for her and all that she's lost.
I'm someone else now and I must learn to live with this new entity.
So, on my first cancer free night, the pain of radiation is just starting to kick in and I couldn't feel more miserable and lost.
Where's the dam joy?