Surgery tomorrow
Surgery is tomorrow. My surgeon ended up feeling confident enough to try for a lumpectomy. There's always a risk that won't work and we'll need to come back for a full mastectomy after chemo, but it seems like it's worth trying.
The good news is that I don't have to decide about a reconstruction or not for a good long while, and maybe not ever. I could potentially even get the other one reduced down the track to match. I actually quite like that idea. Quite frankly, I've always felt that my breasts were a bit too big for my otherwise fairly slight frame anyway. And they're a pest for going jogging with. Going down a few cup sizes might well be a relief.
But I'm still a bit nervous about surgery tomorrow.
Mostly that's just my own anxieties about the anaesthetic. I really dislike that feeling of going under, of losing all control and knowing that people will be doing things to my body while I'm unaware. That's the stuff of nightmares for me. Still, take a deep breath, do it anyway.
In the whirlwind of activity over the last few weeks I feel like I haven't had much time to really enjoy my pair of matching breasts for the last time. I've heard some women have boob-parties to wish them farewell. I thought it was silly when I first heard it, but I kind of wish I'd done that now.
Generally I've been pretty forward focused about the whole cancer diagnosis. All the decisions are based on which of various future scenarios you’ll be happy with. There’s a lot of imagining the best and worst of possible futures. I’m sure that’s productive and healthy and will help me adjust to the changes to my body, but it’s given me precious little time to enjoy and appreciate what I have.
Aside from the afore-mentioned faults (and developing cancer, obviously) they've been pretty good breasts. It's been nice having them.
