I have chosen to tell a select few friends for support but now wondering about a couple of those. I guess time will tell who is who on this with me. I was feeling emotional 3 days after surgery and phoned a friend. After asking how I was and me explaining how confronting it all was this friend said 2 things:1. Join a support group and2. You're not the first to go through this and you won't be the last.Seems harsh to me. It did stop me in my tracks and I did stop being emotional probably because I couldn't believe she said this. It certainly has made me very careful what I say in future to her and less inclined to share. I have friends who would never be harsh like that and acknowledge/validate my emotions which is great but this person clearly is not one of them. How does everyone deal with people who basically tell you to get on with it?

Dear @Cath62 Presumably she is a friend of some standing. And she may have genuinely felt that what you wanted, rather than sympathy and comfort, was practical advice. One of the things that many people encounter, particularly in the early days of their diagnosis and treatment, is that the responses of friends and family can be unexpected and even disconcerting. Cancer is still a fearful subject to many and they retreat from it (and by implication, you). Others are overwhelmed by your emotions. Your friend’s comments were probably meant to be helpful but come across as unfeeling. She is of course correct - a support group can be a great asset and sadly you are in a rather large club. So don’t spend too much time thinking or fretting about it - seek the comfort you need right now elsewhere, but when the time is right and her practical comments resonate better, remember why you valued her friendship and reach out again. Best wishes.

Hi @Cath62 while your friend's response may seem harsh, I rather value my blunt mates. They can be relied on to say the same thing to my face that they will say about me when I'm not in the room. Which is not always comfortable, but is, for me, comforting. Friends are like cooking oil, different varieties for different purposes. If they rub you the wrong way, keep your distance from them for a while. If they lie to you or undermine your confidence, give them the flick.Good luck tmoz, @Locksley Mxx

Hi @Cath62! I wonder in my own experience whether my definition of what a true friendship is changing as a result of what I have gone through. Some attributes of friendship are sharpened such as empathy, listening, kindness, unconditional support, humour, practical help etc.....some friends have come out of the blocks, some have retreated, some new friends are people I didn’t know well before who have reached out in amazing ways. Equally I have met new friends through our cancers. I have received many kindnesses from strangers. And some new friends are on this forum even though we have never met.lots of love Tinks xx

Whatever your treatment, ‘writing the rest of the year off’ makes all sorts of assumptions. People having treatment don’t stop being people - they are still capable of feeling, learning, experiencing, thinking. Many continue working, being parents, friends and neighbours. Treatment can be tough, but it’s not malicious, it’s intended to rid you of cancer, but you have a say in what you accept or don’t accept. No-one wants this and some of it you will never want to repeat but some of it may surprise you. Best wishes.

Hi @Cath62 You have joined a support group, here! There is not a physical one you could join at the moment with the coronavirus, unfortunately, as I’ve also found. I was waiting till after my surgery and radiation to join something like the Look good feel better class or an exercise one but not to be. So your friends harsh words aren’t appropriate at the moment. I hope by visiting here you find some comfort. Xx

Friends say the dumbest things | BCNA Online Network

33 Replies

ddon
Member
6 years ago
It sure makes you grit your teeth and count to 50. Writing the year off is only easy for people who think they have plenty of years left. And don’t have to spend it being ‘chopped, poisoned and nuked’ as kezmusc
so beautifully said in one post.
Cath62
Member
6 years ago
@ddon yes I understand this. I got advised my recommended treatment is chemo, radium and hormone. I was told to right the year off and lots of people have to deal with it.
ddon
Member
6 years ago
Ignorance is really not an excuse, is it!
When I was facing my first chemo and so afraid of what was coming, my very close cousin told me ‘oh, it will go so fast ‘. I didn’t answer but I thought time goes fast when you’re having fun. 20 weeks of chemo is not my idea of fun!
traveltext
Member
6 years ago
Ha, @Cath62 but not really funny.

I've had: BREAST CANCER, BUT YOU'RE A MAN.
Cath62
Member
6 years ago
I hear you @traveltext! I now have actually had someone say with about my surgery before results of it- "well it's temporary. They will sort it out and then fix the other one and you will have a boob job. Wish I could get one. I am actually jealous" I just changed the subject. I get my results this afternoon so will soon know next steps.
traveltext
Member
6 years ago
Here’s the official list of dumb things to say to a bc patient.
Mira
Member
6 years ago
@StarGirl my Mum had a weird reaction as well. She actually followed me to the clinic, and then the day after she found out she was on the phone with my Aunt (who had just been diagnosed with lung cancer) laughing about how I had to keep taking my top off and showing people my breasts. I was devastated. It took me a few years but I worked out that it was because she was scared of not being in control, and of losing both her daughter and her sister.
StarGirl
Member
6 years ago
@Dory65 and @Cath62, thanks ladies. I think there will always be those who just don’t ‘get it’. I’ve never really been on the same wavelength as my mother so while it was annoying, it wasn’t devastating. My husband and Auntie are brilliant and I have a couple of friends I can really talk to. I think just find your people and don’t let the others get to you. Xx
Dory65
Member
6 years ago
Yes, Cath62, it is a bit lonely at times. Very glad to hear your husband and son are close and switched on. I'm not married. My young adult son has been an absolute brick, though, and this BC experience has made me realise his best qualities and stop sweating the small stuff (a bit). All the best. x
Cath62
Member
6 years ago
@StarGirl that is horrible.

I guess @Dory65 we are really on our own in one way. Can we really expect anyone to understand fully. I feel lucky I have a good husband. My son is good too. I am will see how the friend thing unfolds as my treatment progresses.

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Friends say the dumbest things

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