You nailed it re the mortality @Afraser - it really hit me in the face and my husband tries to understand, but I don't think you do get it until you are there. It has levelled me, and I am running scared. The confident, fun-loving lady has left the building and I feel very fragile and uncertain.
Thank you so much everyone for your replies and advice, it means more than I can put into words. @TonyaM thank you I will bring it up with my Oncologist.
My husband and kids deserve me back again, after all we have been through together as a family, I feel a let down to myself and to them and I see a little window of light and a snippet of my old self (like immediately after exercising with the endorphin rush), but then it's gone and my flatness returns. Saturday morning a chance to relax and I was a crabby, flat, emotional mess.
Thank you all so much once again. I have another counselling session with Cancer Council next week too.
Thank you ladies xx