https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2017/10/176194/life-after-breast-cancer-survivor-story?

I get tantalising glimpses of the old me. I managed to roll a round bale which probably weighs about 250 kg over 30 metres on my own while fending off 'You Idiot' who just Could Not Wait. Three years ago that would have been a doddle and I'd have done it without stopping. (Hint there folks, do not stop. It means you have to start again) But at least I could do it today. No idea if I will be able to do it tomorrow though, and there is the frustration for me. It's all so random and unpredictable. Good days, bad days. Good weeks that get me all optimistic and planning the next project only for everything to turn to shit again over night. I either avoid making commitments because I'm not sure I can meet them or make the wrong ones and end up both disappointed and disappointing.My habit of going to ground when I'm not coping means most people only see me when I'm 'up' so there's not much understanding of the big picture.

kmakm said: Oh lordy, me too @StarGirl. I can't get any part of my psyche round the fact that I'll never go back to 'normal'. I feel this every day. I think I'll write at length about it but for now I'll just put out there that surviving gave me a form of depression that was a cycle of hating myself for being ungrateful but I was in mourning over the fact the old me is dead. I was mourning myself. I feel like I'm not the only one it's happened to.

@kmakm Bloody hell lady, you deserve some goodness and pain free days. Hugging you! The shit days feel utterly permanent don’t they. Like set in stone, this is it, it’s all over, nothing’s good anymore. But you’ve got insight and wisdom and skill to know that it’s all temporary. It’ll pass it’ll pass it’ll pass it’ll pass.....my mantra. There’s something incredibly grounding about knowing that nothing lasts, good OR bad. Its funny, I actually think my old self who I was Before was defined by eyebrows. I looked at old photos of me earlier today..I never do that..too sad. But for some reason I forced myself to. And I am so fucking pissed off that chemo stole my old eyebrows. I don’t look the same. And I hate it. And I never thought I’d be more fixated on stupid eyebrows and lashes than the great big scar across my boob. But here I am. I think its an increeeeedibly slooow evolution we must go through, to get not back to our old selves, but to ARRIVE at the place where we have fully let go of the sadness. I think it takes everyone different amounts of time, too. It unfolds on an almost cosmic timescale. An epic slow formation of a new version of you. But that’s okay because look how beautiful a galaxy is. It’s worth the wait.

@kmakm We can’t see clouds changing shape or predict the new shape either. It’s too gradual for the brain’s visual system or whatever to grasp. But we become aware that change has taken place by the time it’s obviously a different cloud shape, right? I reckon this is the same with depression and grief and trauma. The brain just can’t get far enough outside itself to predict or appreciate the new reality ahead. It is stuck and trying to cope with basics! But that doesn’t mean that a new and more positive reality ISN’T possible. You just can’t see it yet. Have to take a huge leap of trust in yourself. Im having a daily internal battle of I’m dead inside, Oh well there goes my life vs. Damnit I didn’t just survive this thing for nothing! I want to live! So my positivity really wavers. I never get to talk to anyone close anymore either. My friends and even mum change the subject if I talk about pain or sadness. It sucks. A lot. I just become detached and spend all my time with dogs and any distraction that gets me through the day! I do think my annoying stubborn anger at being sick is an amazing motivator, that keeps me fighting and in perspective and positive when all else fails. I am so competitive that no matter how depressed I get, the outrage of losing to it just drives me on blindly.

The Secret Suckiness Of Life After Breast Cancer

kmakm
Member
6 years ago
@Blossom1961 Oh that is so true.
Blossom1961
Member
6 years ago
Blossom1961
Member
6 years ago
Afraser
Member
6 years ago
Hi @Brenda5, from the position of someone who hasn't had that happen in 3 years, it can improve! I've had the cardioversion (electric shock), the medications and now I am just on betablockers and blood thinners. My cardiologist and I don't fancy ablation (not yet anyway!). My heart rate is steady, not fast and my oncologist (who worried me by taking an eternity reading my pulse last week) says that it's almost not definable as AF or an arrythmia any more!! I've been lucky that I didn't get the palpitations/flight or fight feelings when in tachycardia, but even so, your pulse racing along can make you feel very uncomfortable. I initially worried that this irregularity was snuff stuff! I had a regularly irregular heartbeat for decades before bc, it's quite common and not a problem, and I may be actually heading back to that state. You are correct, it's not fun but maybe fixable. Best wishes.
iserbrown
Member
6 years ago
@Brenda5

That's no way to live!
Sounds like in this instance you couldn't identify a trigger.
Hopefully at your next appointment you can express your concerns and find a solution.

Best wishes
Brenda5
Member
6 years ago
Spent the morning fighting Atrial Fibrillation. I had only woke up, took my heart pill with a glass of water and went to the loo and it hit. Hours later and a second pill and I finally got it under control but blimey, I hadn't done anything to bring it on at all. Getting that way I am not wanting to get out and do anything any more in case I snuff it. I wish they would just fix the stupid thing. Having two heart beats at once is not fun.
Blossom1961
Member
6 years ago
So so tired. Don’t wanna do. Sigh. Push through. Maybe tomorrow. Or the next day. One day I will feel less tired. One day I will also feel less fatigued. The light is there at the end of the tunnel. But sometimes the tunnel seems so long. Hugs to all you lovelies. I know a lot of you are struggling with the same. 💕
iserbrown
Member
6 years ago
Goodness you're not a fraud!
Sometimes family and friends seem not to be on your page. It's not intentional usually they have a tale or comparo they think you need to know. Dear oh dear! That's where this forum helps as we understand and get it.
Perhaps some counselling may give you some coping mechanisms.
Stage or grade is different for all and isn't for comparison. Hey it's cancer

Take care and don't let it eat you as you are still you
Sister
Member
6 years ago
My 14 yo said something to me a week or so ago... "Mum, you said to us a long time ago that if you're feeling sad and you make yourself smile or think positively when you can, you can change your mood. It really works, doesn't it?" I've always tried to do it but it has certainly been harder over the last 12 months.
kmakm
Member
6 years ago
@"Summer Prevails" What a thoughtful response. And my response to that is, I suppose. I have no way of knowing if you're right, which is of course, what you're saying. Maybe one day I'll recover some joie de vivre, maybe not. Only time will tell.