Hello @hsk.
I’ve been through main surgery (nipple/skin sparing DMX) and treatment. In April I was supposed to have my left nipple removed for DCIS after my main surgery. Things happened, I changed surgeons, and I’ve yet to have it removed. It’s booked for Friday actually. For the last few months I’ve been battling in a way to avoid this nipple being removed, which didn’t make sense to me as it’s just a nipple, especially after already losing both my breasts. I started seeing a really good psychologist a few months ago to help me deal with the whole situation since diagnosis. Only in today’s session was I finally able to pinpoint my need to keep my left nipple - it was my daughter’s preferred breast (leftie) when I was breastfeeding her, and after already losing my milk ducts in the mastectomies, my nipples are the last parts remaining of those beautiful moments and memories I have of breastfeeding her. For me, those moments were some of my favourite during those two years I breastfed her. We created a very special bond then.
Even though this knowledge was in me somewhere, it took all these months and psyche sessions to finally consciously acknowledge that, and it happened during today’s session. I couldn’t stop crying. All my unprocessed emotions of losing my breasts, and the special meaning attached to them because of my daughter, were catching up with me, as well as the fact I won’t be able to breastfeed any more children I might have. My psychologist also did a beautiful mindfulness and gratitude exercise during which I acknowledged and accepted, then thanked my sorrow towards losing my breasts, then thanked them for all they’d done for me.
That’s just a very small part of everything else I’ve been dealing with this year since my diagnosis in Feb. I didn’t do this before my DMX and now I’m feeling all the regret and grief over losing my breasts, or rather the tissue and ducts etc that were inside my skin. There are so many other emotions that I also didn’t process, partly because I didn’t have time and partly because it was too overwhelming at the time. That’s why I’m doing it now, slowly, step at a time. It’s tiring but it’s also relieving and freeing.
So I think that psychologists should pretty much be mandatory, and free, for all cancer patients. I need to emphasise they should be GOOD. Mine is brilliant and I found her through my medical oncologist at the Kinghorn in Sydney. I asked to see one when I finished radiation and they organised it for me. It’s a free service. I can’t even put in words how much this woman has helped me. Please try to find one for yourself, and this goes to all women who are struggling for whatever reason. Even if it seems small and silly, like my nipple, it’s probably not. There’s always something behind it that needs dealing with. Seeing someone means you love and respect yourself enough to seek the help you need. It’s not weak, it’s actually very strong. I’d try by asking your GP or your oncologist for a recommendation and referral.
Good luck, I hope it sorts out for you 🍀♥️.
Mon Xx
