Hello from Janey

So sorry to hear that you're down, it might not make you feel any better but I was feeling the same way during my last treatment - now that the countdown is on to the last one, I have people asking how I feel now that it's "almost over", but I feel stupid in saying that I don't want it to be over! I was told that I don't have to see anyone til June (after the radiation, that is) and already I feel nervous about having the fortnightly "security" cut off. I thiink my next chemo will be thrilling and terrifying all in one go, and it's very hard to explain to someone who doesn't get it. 

As if by magic, my lovely breast care nurse called me this afternoon, I had a big vent to her about this, and she said that at no point should I ever feel "cut off" - I am always able to call her, she said, to which I replied "Yes, but I'm sure over time there will be other ladies who need your time more than I do" and her reply hit home a bit - "Actually, you'll find that it's you that will need my time less and less. Until then though, we are here for you to use! " She really has been lovely and I'm sure they are not going to turn me away just because I feel a bit lost and lonely. 

I'm also nervous about work, have to keep reminding myself that it will be like a new job and to take it easy and not just expect to slip back into the role - a lot has changed back there and I doubt there will even be people I know. So something that was meant to be familiar and safe is now also scary. Too many scary things! I'm worried about treatment being over and done with because then it will be necessary to go back to "normal" and very hard to explain to people that can't see anything wrong with me, why that may not be possible. 

Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help you, even if you need a hand with organising group coffee / lunch / whatever...or just a chat...I haven't been very vocal on here lately either, because like you, sometimes I don't know what to say, have no words, or just feel better taking comfort hiding in the background! As much as I like to be positive, it does take effort and I'm now allowing myself to be neutral as well.

 Take care, hopefully things will begin to look up for you :-)

from Bobbie