I get that people don't know what to do or say. I know they probably feel like they have to give us space to deal with what's going on and I knew some people's reaction would be to pull away.But I'm still surprised at the lack of connection. Do we really live in a world where it is ok to just text your own family about their cancer and not even pick up the phone to actually talk to them?Im so hurt by family and friends who have done little more than reply on a Facebook post. They haven't called. Haven't tried to see me, offer help with my girls, dropped off soup, not even sent a freakin card.Today it has me wondering if I've been the shitty friend. I feel very alone and wondering what I did wrong.

Hey Lillian, you didn't do anything wrong. People react in different ways, maybe its made them think about their own circumstances. Have you told your friends how you are feeling? I know its hard but don't let it all get to you. What they do (or don't do) says more about them than it does about you.

I am constantly amazed by people who seem to never use their phone for talking. I am old school, face to face is better than phone, phone is good when you are too far away, letters are for reflective conversation, emails may be OK for that too. Texts are just quick - great for telling someone you are running late, not much good for any other sort of contact. In addition to people not knowing what to say or do (undoubtedly true in many cases), we sometimes don't ask. I agree, we shouldn't have to, but if we don't ask and they are holding back, paralysis sets in. Tell people you'd love them to drop by, ask someone if they can help with something. If they won't, then at least you know the extent of their friendship or care. But chances are, your ask may break the uncertainty. Best wishes.

Hi Lillian I'm sorry you are having this rotten time. I had a similar experience myself until I reminded myself that I really didn't know what was going on inside other people's heads. I decided to swallow my pride pick up the phone myself and ask for help. The response was beautiful. The common responses were .. I just didn't know what to do or I thought you would need rest. People can be disappointing but the ones who step up are true Angels. Xxo

I'll never forget how sad I was that my sister didn't call me after we told her about my cancer. A few weeks later part way through my chemo I received a package of scarves and beanies that she had knitted for me. I called her to thank her and she was so excited to speak to me. Apparently my mother had told everyone that I didn't want to talk about my cancer and so it would be best not to call!! Huh?? I had mentioned to mum that it was hard telling people because I had to keep reliving my shock and grief when they reacted to my news and she decided that I didn't want to talk to anyone. Hmmm... I was also surprised that an old friend seemed to be avoiding me but it wasn't until I mentioned this to another mutual friend that she commented that she was avoiding her too!! Opps - turned out that she had just discovered that her husband was having an affair which led to her marriage breaking up. Sometimes it not about you. Call you friends and family if you want to talk to them. Ask if you want someone to do something for you. It may be that they are trying to give you space or are worried about disturbing you or simply don't know what to do or say.

When this first happened to me ten years ago, I was really disappointed with a couple of friends who behaved like I had a contagious disease. This time round I have a better handle on what I can expect from the people around me.It's infuriating to hear about how their lack of attention was all about how you made them feel. They will tell you that they didn't know what to say, that they didn't want to bother you, that they couldn't stand to see you sick, that they had the flue/HIV/hepatitis. They have to leave the country, lost their phone for 6 months, lost your number, have sick parents in Iceland, were having an affair/trouble at work/renovating their house. Phhffft.While all that is going on, people you may have underestimated or not known well will step up and surprise you. If someone who is just an acquaintance offers help, take it.Critical illness does polarise people, it's not something you can do much about, apart from cultivating the people who are on your side.

Feeling lonely | BCNA Online Network

23 Replies

JanineG
Member
9 years ago
Hi Lillian I'm sorry you are having this rotten time. I had a similar experience myself until I reminded myself that I really didn't know what was going on inside other people's heads. I decided to swallow my pride pick up the phone myself and ask for help. The response was beautiful. The common responses were .. I just didn't know what to do or I thought you would need rest. People can be disappointing but the ones who step up are true Angels. Xxo
Afraser
Member
9 years ago
I am constantly amazed by people who seem to never use their phone for talking. I am old school, face to face is better than phone, phone is good when you are too far away, letters are for reflective conversation, emails may be OK for that too. Texts are just quick - great for telling someone you are running late, not much good for any other sort of contact. In addition to people not knowing what to say or do (undoubtedly true in many cases), we sometimes don't ask. I agree, we shouldn't have to, but if we don't ask and they are holding back, paralysis sets in. Tell people you'd love them to drop by, ask someone if they can help with something. If they won't, then at least you know the extent of their friendship or care. But chances are, your ask may break the uncertainty. Best wishes.
Mira
Member
9 years ago
Hey Lillian, you didn't do anything wrong. People react in different ways, maybe its made them think about their own circumstances. Have you told your friends how you are feeling? I know its hard but don't let it all get to you. What they do (or don't do) says more about them than it does about you.

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Feeling lonely

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