Do I look like that woman?

When I first found my lump, I expected my doctor to tell me that it was an infected cyst and that I should have antibiotics and then he would lance it, remove it or something. 

But.....no....you need to travel 120 kms and get a mammogram done possibly ultra sound and then more than likely biopsy.

Me:  Huh?  So you think that is serious?

Him: We just want to sure.

So off I went.  When the nurse did the mammogram I expressed concern that it was already sore.  She said she'd tried to be gentle but afterwards I shouldn't get dressed as they will most likely do an ultra sound and biopsies. 

Sure enough ultra sound done and the radiographer person said, don't get dressed, I am sure they will want to do biopsies.

So we got four core biopsies done on one lump and then a needle biopsy on the second "complicated cyst". 

When the doctor did the needle biopsy, she said, "so we just want this one to pop".....and it didn't....so she said "well we will try and take it all out"....which she couldn't.

Afterwards, she came up to me, grabbed my hand in both of her hands and looked at me and said "I hope this goes well for you". 

I looked at her and said "am I supposed to be worried about this?"

She continued to hold my hand and stroked my arm saying "we won't know until the pathology comes back".

I knew then that things were not good. 

For a start, if you knew me well, you would know that I don't look like the type of woman that you would come up to and hold her hand in both hands and stroke her arm.

I am the one that will give you personal space and eye ball you with compassion.  I am not a big hugger unless I am sure it is warranted and then I would only do it after I suggested that it looked like it was needed...and then had acknowledgement that it was in order. 

I am the one that gives you a firm handshake with strong contact.  I'm not a game player in the handshake department....I don't try and tip your hand...I play honest up front.

I'm the one that others can rely on and depend on to do "the hard" when they cannot do it. 

I'm the one where others can open up and let it all out and I will stand firm and be strong for them. 

I'm the one who doesn't cry.

I'm the one who has great faith in her God that he has a plan in place for her on this journey and the reason he has chosen her to do this. 

I am NOT the one who looks like she needs her hand held during anything...........

and so far through this process, I have not had anyone who has done that......

My husband on the other hand.....different story with him.