Forum Discussion

JessicaV's avatar
JessicaV
Member
11 years ago

Dealing with unsupportive relatives

What is the best way to deall with close relatives who fail to offer any meaningful care or support or even understanding about breast cancer.? Initially in January, I received  two emails from my  Kiwi sister  Elli that included the following added messages from my wealthy 90yr old Mum who is so profoundly deaf she cannot use a telephone and has never mastered the computer.

 Jan 13 Dear Jessica, Sorry to hear about the cancer. You have good ideas about using the time, and doing those things should help your recovery.

 We send you our love and wish you all the best.  Mum and Elli

 

 Jan 18 Mum says "glad the op is over and you are in good hands. Best wishes and love"

 Nice, but  that was all from either of them. I thought Elli must be filtering the information in both directions, since at the same time, Elli herself was ringing me at appalling hours like 5.45 am  or as I was surfacing from the anaesthetic in hospital and asking really invasive personal questions about the operation that made me feel like a total deformed freak. So I wrote Mum a snail mail explaining about the cancer in case she had not realised that Grade 3 IDC is serious, and expressing surprise that I had not really heard any direct response from her about it so was not sure if she really had been told. I enclosed writing paper and an addressed envelope.

 I got back a 3 page letter  with the first paragraph saying first indignantly that I was wrong, she HAD responded, i.e. through Elli tacking on a couple of good wishes in emails. The rest of Mum's letter was about how she had mastitis as a young woman and about her social life and her carers with a bit about NZ weather and politics. No further expressions of concern or support. She seems to think getting breast cancer  is like spraining your wrist. And I have not heard a word from her since then, and nothing that sounds heart-felt from Elli at all.

 I find it hard to believe that any mother whose adult daughter  has potentially fatal cancer would not at least write once every few weeks expressing love, concern and understanding. I know I cannot change these people, and suspect that they just don't want the negative vibes in their lives and that I am better off to just keep away from them. But I find I still feel really disappointed and let down by them. 

 

 

 

  • Robyn_W's avatar
    Robyn_W
    Member
    11 years ago
    Throughout my BC journey,I had AMAZING support from my husband and children,and from some friends.However,I had no support,not even interest shown,from my sister in law,who,after being told about my BC( from me in a phone conversation) has never once tried to contact me since.That was 6 months ago.If she does contact me,she will get a short shift from me!!!If there is one thing that I have learnt from this,it is to concentrate ONLY on the people and things that are positive in your life.Negative people and things are not needed.It may be that they cannot cope well with a cancer diagnosis,fair enough,but you do not have to nurse them through that! Your husband and daughter have been towers of strength,so put the others in a place in your mind,where they won't cause you stress and upset any more,and just focus on the POSITIVES in your life.I have learnt many times over in my life,that just because some one is related to you,doesn't mean that they will be there when you need them.Take care Jessica,and I hope that you are doing OK.xoxCheers Robyn
  • Robyn_W's avatar
    Robyn_W
    Member
    11 years ago
    Throughout my BC journey,I had AMAZING support from my husband and children,and from some friends.However,I had no support,not even interest shown,from my sister in law,who,after being told about my BC( from me in a phone conversation) has never once tried to contact me since.That was 6 months ago.If she does contact me,she will get a short shift from me!!!If there is one thing that I have learnt from this,it is to concentrate ONLY on the people and things that are positive in your life.Negative people and things are not needed.It may be that they cannot cope well with a cancer diagnosis,fair enough,but you do not have to nurse them through that! Your husband and daughter have been towers of strength,so put the others in a place in your mind,where they won't cause you stress and upset any more,and just focus on the POSITIVES in your life.I have learnt many times over in my life,that just because some one is related to you,doesn't mean that they will be there when you need them.Take care Jessica,and I hope that you are doing OK.xoxCheers Robyn
  • Sara_B's avatar
    Sara_B
    Member
    11 years ago

    Hi Jessica

    I have had some similar responses from my family. I have taken on ignoring the behaviour, not the person. Focusing on  positive people and situations and doing my best not to be angry or bitter.  (being bitter is drinking the poisen hoping the other person gets poisened!). I have made contact with the breast support unit at my hospital and will be offering my assistance as a volunteer. I have found great support through friends and networks. X Sara B

  • Sarah54's avatar
    Sarah54
    Member
    11 years ago

    Hello Jessica

    My mother sent me a letter that took over a month to write after I told my parents about my Stage 3 breast cancer. It had about 6 sentences no love, concern or support what so ever and my mother has had lung cancer and throat cancer but never had Chemo. I would say the one topic that any women will have an opinion is mastectony, obviously not my Mum as she did not even comment on my double mastectony coming up. The whole 6 sentences is all about her and her feelings. Glad I have lived away from that woman for the whole of my adult life. But the support I have received from my sister is second to none and would not be this far if it had not been for her, I am very lucky and I have also met some amazing people on this journey. My mother needs to be felt sorry for. Her lose. Best of luck Jess and I know it hurts but try to just put them into "deal with later box'

    Sarah54

  • Sarah54's avatar
    Sarah54
    Member
    11 years ago

    Hello Jessica

    My mother sent me a letter that took over a month to write after I told my parents about my Stage 3 breast cancer. It had about 6 sentences no love, concern or support what so ever and my mother has had lung cancer and throat cancer but never had Chemo. I would say the one topic that any women will have an opinion is mastectony, obviously not my Mum as she did not even comment on my double mastectony coming up. The whole 6 sentences is all about her and her feelings. Glad I have lived away from that woman for the whole of my adult life. But the support I have received from my sister is second to none and would not be this far if it had not been for her, I am very lucky and I have also met some amazing people on this journey. My mother needs to be felt sorry for. Her lose. Best of luck Jess and I know it hurts but try to just put them into "deal with later box'

    Sarah54

  • Deanne's avatar
    Deanne
    Member
    11 years ago

    I think most of us have experienced this to some degree. The other ladies are spot on about concentrating on the POSITIVE support that you do get. How wonderful is your husband - shaving his head in support!

     

    Today is pretty emotional for me as it is coming up to my 12 months since diagnosis. I decided that I really wanted to do the Mother's Day Classic this year which clashes with the Morning Tea that we have most years for Mother's Day with my Mum, sister and brother and their families. While they were ok about this I was disappointed that none of them (except, of course, my hubby and daughters) thought about taking part to support my experience.

     

    I think we just have to remind ourselves that other people's actions and responses are reflective of their own issues and not anything to do with us! I know they love and care about me but just don't realize what a difference their physical support could have made over the last 12 months. My brother and sister-in-law never saw me once during my 6 months of treatment and never so much as sent a text on Chemo days. They live 30 minutes away!

    Draw your strength from your wonderful daughter and your husband. Take care. Deanne xxx

  • Deanne's avatar
    Deanne
    Member
    11 years ago

    I think most of us have experienced this to some degree. The other ladies are spot on about concentrating on the POSITIVE support that you do get. How wonderful is your husband - shaving his head in support!

     

    Today is pretty emotional for me as it is coming up to my 12 months since diagnosis. I decided that I really wanted to do the Mother's Day Classic this year which clashes with the Morning Tea that we have most years for Mother's Day with my Mum, sister and brother and their families. While they were ok about this I was disappointed that none of them (except, of course, my hubby and daughters) thought about taking part to support my experience.

     

    I think we just have to remind ourselves that other people's actions and responses are reflective of their own issues and not anything to do with us! I know they love and care about me but just don't realize what a difference their physical support could have made over the last 12 months. My brother and sister-in-law never saw me once during my 6 months of treatment and never so much as sent a text on Chemo days. They live 30 minutes away!

    Draw your strength from your wonderful daughter and your husband. Take care. Deanne xxx

  • JessicaV's avatar
    JessicaV
    Member
    11 years ago

    Hi Deane, Robyn, Sarah, Sara and Hazel, thanks all of you for your thoughful responses. It helps to know that all of you have had similar disappointments and are clear about it not being good enough but not worth wasting too much energy on.

    I tend to think it is a sign of my own inadequacy that I have relatives who treat me like this and a further sign that it gets me so upset, but your emails have helped me put this is perspective.

    Deane, congratulations on taking part in the Mothers Day Classic: hope it went really well, and that the passing of this milestone was special for you and your family as you shared the event together. I am trying to remember that my mother and sister are probably doing their best, they just don't have the capacities some of the lovely people in my life have.

  • JessicaV's avatar
    JessicaV
    Member
    11 years ago

    Hi Deane, Robyn, Sarah, Sara and Hazel, thanks all of you for your thoughful responses. It helps to know that all of you have had similar disappointments and are clear about it not being good enough but not worth wasting too much energy on.

    I tend to think it is a sign of my own inadequacy that I have relatives who treat me like this and a further sign that it gets me so upset, but your emails have helped me put this is perspective.

    Deane, congratulations on taking part in the Mothers Day Classic: hope it went really well, and that the passing of this milestone was special for you and your family as you shared the event together. I am trying to remember that my mother and sister are probably doing their best, they just don't have the capacities some of the lovely people in my life have.