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tannie53's avatar
tannie53
Member
11 years ago

breast cancer and our relationships

Hi everyone! It has been a while since I have posted  on here. I have been through the horrors of chemo and I am in the last week of radiotherapy which is wonderful.

So the end is now in sight and I am well on the way to recovery!

It has been a roller coaster of many emotions as all of you would know. But the worst thing is the toll it has taken on my marriage.

We have only been married 3 years so bc certainly wasn't what we expected but then again when is it for anyone.

At the beginning of this journey I wrote a blog about my husband's opposition to treatment. He was adament that healthy eating and fitness was the answer and didnt want me to go down the line of surgery, chemo and radio etc.

Well I did go down that road and believed I would get the support I needed to get through but that was not the case. He avoided me most of the time finding every hobby and distraction he could think of!

 He said he could not even look at my scar and certainly didnt like my hair falling out. It seemed that he emotionally shut down and the lack of affection was very hard especially during the worst times of chemo.

My self esteem went out the window. It was a very lonely and isolating time. Before treatment I thought we had a good marriage with all the normal issues to face like everyone else but we managed fairly well.

Now at the end of my treatment we sleep in seperate rooms, go out seperately, avoid spending any time together (there is no intimacy left) but when we do find ouselves in the same room all we do is discuss the weather! It is like we are complete strangers.

The last time we 'disussed' the issue of our marriage he admitted that he hadn't supported me because he didnt agree with what I had done to my body.

I think to him I am not the same person anymore. I am considering leaving my marriage as I am so disallusioned and cant believe this has happened. Is this another casualty of bc?

Is this a normal reaction from the men in our lives?

Is there a way forward for our relationship?

It is quite a sad and devastating time for me but I have to move on to a positive place.

As we all know life is too precious to waste on unhappiness. Sorry for the vent!

Tanya

9 Replies

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  • VivW's avatar
    VivW
    Member
    11 years ago

    So pleased you are seeking outside help.

    I hope this story isn't too much, but sure is interesting for those who think they can cure cancer with diet and detox. I think a lot of ladies may be interested in this story.

    I came across this whilst looking for chemical/paraben free deoderant.  Hope the link works??  

    http://scienceblogs.com/insolence/2013/10/17/sharyn-ainscough-dies-tragically-because-she-followed-the-example-of-her-daughter-the-wellness-warrior/

    It is the story about Sharyn Ainscough.

    Viv

  • Robyn_W's avatar
    Robyn_W
    Member
    11 years ago
    I am so glad that you have decided this! Sometimes people reject people out of fear of the unknown.Perhaps he felt so scared,and just didn't know how to react.All the best for the course and I hope it helps YOU feel better.xxxRobyn
  • tannie53's avatar
    tannie53
    Member
    11 years ago

    Thanks everyone for your responses. It helps me to know I am not going crazy! We have decided to go to a marriage enrichment course through our church so I am hoping that it will help or at least give me some answers to help resolve it in my head.  But at the end of the day I know that I do deserve better. Thanks for all your cyber hugs and kind wishes. xo

  • tannie53's avatar
    tannie53
    Member
    11 years ago

    Thanks everyone for your responses. It helps me to know I am not going crazy! We have decided to go to a marriage enrichment course through our church so I am hoping that it will help or at least give me some answers to help resolve it in my head.  But at the end of the day I know that I do deserve better. Thanks for all your cyber hugs and kind wishes. xo

  • VivW's avatar
    VivW
    Member
    11 years ago

    Sorry that he is treating you like this, such a jerk.  I wonder if he has a mate that you get along with that could have a word with him. Make him realise that he is being a horrible person, what if it was him being treated for cancer, would he want you to treat him like this.  For better for worse, through sickness and health.  I'm sure he made some sort of promise when you got married.

    Sorry that you have to experience this. All the best,

    Viv

  • Merlins_mum's avatar
    Merlins_mum
    Member
    11 years ago
    Withdrawing affection and support at a critical time in your life is not ok. Try the counsellor. Personally I would ditch him. Not sure I am allowed to say that here but you are still the beautiful person you were before BC. Scars heal and hair grows back. You deserve much better than this. Love and hugs Julie. Xx
  • Janet_Plummer's avatar
    Janet_Plummer
    Member
    11 years ago

    Look I'm sure your husband must have some positive qualities or you wouldn't have married him but I gotta say he sounds like a total jerk. Nobody wants to go through surgery and chemo and radiation but it's what we have to do to survive this wretched disease. Your husband should be supporting you in that. That is the normal thing to do.

    It's a hard enough thing to get through even with a supportive husband. I can't believe he would discourage you from having treatment and punish you with his coldness for doing the only sensible thing. Healthy eating and exercise can't cure cancer! (I want to swear but I will control myself.) It might help minimise the risk of it coming back but once cancer is there it needs to be hit with the big guns. You have  done the right thing Tannie.

    As for your marriage, only you can know whether it's worth salvaging. As Robyn has suggested, maybe some counselling might help. Perhaps a counsellor could help him see what a @#$% he has been. Either way you should put yourself first. You deserve better than this. I too hope you have some good friends and supportive family to help you through this difficult time. The very best of luck to you Tannie. Janet.

  • rivergum's avatar
    rivergum
    Member
    11 years ago

    I am so sorry to hear this. It is so totally not fair for you to be burdened with your partner's inability to cope or to share the load. Hope you have good people to support you and to talk with while this is sorted out, whether he can become more supportive or you decide to forge on for yourself. x Meg

  • rivergum's avatar
    rivergum
    Member
    11 years ago

    I am so sorry to hear this. It is so totally not fair for you to be burdened with your partner's inability to cope or to share the load. Hope you have good people to support you and to talk with while this is sorted out, whether he can become more supportive or you decide to forge on for yourself. x Meg