Blue Days

Thank you Tanya, for your understanding and support.  That's a good idea, think I will try it.  I got home to a letter of demand for an old MIA bill which I thought I had paid.  Had a good cry and called them.  I guess I didn't blog my down days before because so many others are dealing with so much more.  On the one hand, yes, I am dealing with the treatment process but on the other it is as if it is separate - I have to remind myself that I am one of those people with cancer, and then I don't know how I feel.  I am supposed to be selling my house but have been unable to get it ready.  It is looking more like a bomb site every day and although I keep pushing the worry aside (as I can't change it right now) I know it is getting me down.  My wish is for someone to talk to rather than that I didn't ever have cancer (although no one wants it).  I think that having cancer has made me make some decisions and changes in my life that I needed to make some time ago.  I don't even wish my life was back to how it was because truth is it hasn't been great for a few years.  I do wish I was the person I once was.  Happy, optimistic, full of beans.  It's been along time since I felt that way; I am hoping that once I get through this, sell my home, leave my job that I will somehow magically return to being that person.  Then I think that all I am doing is putting my life on hold again.  But what else can I do?  Big circle.  Sorry if this is all a bit down.  I will get back up again.  Just trying to sort the thoughts in my head.  I wonder if we do ever 'get back to normal' and what is normal anymore.