A letter to Gus on his 5th birthday

Dearest Gus, Today you are 5 - yes! You are taller, your legs are longer, your muscles bigger! But no, it doesn't mean you can stay up really late - sorry... My fast and furious fun loving little man - I love you to the moon and back over and over and over. You changed my life - I found those first couple of years really difficult, three young Children was so much work - but oh so worth it. You love Lego and star wars. You want to be a builder and build everything. You give the most amazing butterfly kisses and love to be my "snuggle bunny" and I love it when you say "I love you mummy" in your gravel voice then snuggle in for a cuddle. The are times though that I wonder if your ears work as you do not seem to hear me (!), times when your energy far outstrips mine and boy you could talk under cement! At 5 though you know too much - you know about the word cancer. Chemo is just something mums do and you wonder each week if I will come home from hospital or stay there. You see, accept and love a mum with only one nipple and a funny looking boob, you don't care about whether I'm bald or sporting a pixie cut - you just want and need me. So mate, I'm doing everything in my power to continue to be here for you. I have a wonderful image I use when I meditate, of the 5 of us all there at your wedding - you are so tall, taller than me, a rose in your buttonhole giving your old, healthy mum a cuddle. I know you don't understand why I cry sometimes when we cuddle or I read you a story at night - its because I wonder if you will remember me, if I can keep this cancer at bay long enough for you to remember me - the little things, the stories, the cuddles, the bike rides, cakes, days at the beach. I sure bloody hope so - I want to be at that wedding! So let's spend another year making beautiful memories together my beautiful little boy. (Mummy never stops trying and never stops believing in miracles) I love you more than you can imagine. Mummy xxx