Where to?

Question

I am 3 years and 3&nbsp;months post diagnosis and I am still struggling to find my way out of this nightmare.&nbsp; I have some good days, but mostly days with fear as my constant companion.&nbsp; I function ok, hold down a good job, have friends, adult children and also a wonderful grandson, but it's just not enough.&nbsp; I feel isolated and scared.&nbsp; I am just going through the motions of everyday life, with no real joy at all.&nbsp; I think my life is perfect, so why don't I feel it emotionally.&nbsp; It's like I am numb and don't feel happiness, sadness or anger to any great extent.
My quest now is to come to terms with what has happened to me and find my way out.&nbsp; Not back to the way I was but to a better place, higher place, peaceful place, fearless place.&nbsp; But where is it?&nbsp; Where is the map?&nbsp; Where is the road to follow?

tonyam · Answer

There is no set time frame for emotional recovery from breast cancer-we are all different. It may also depend on what treatments you had.With my first bout of breast cancer(7yrs ago)I had a lumpectomy.It probably took me about 18mths to feel confident again.I still had a boob and hair so life got back to normal.Last year cancer came back in the same boob so had to have a mastectomy followed by chemo. I don't recognize myself anymore.This bout has been harder on so many levels.It's one year on now and I don't feel very confident&nbsp; and there is a lingering&nbsp;numbness. I keep busy so as not to think too deeply about it all.I expect in time my confidence will return.Have you had any counselling?-maybe helpful. Blog on here any time -always someone to chat with.We all support each other cos we know what this journey is like
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Tonya xx

leonie_moore · Answer

Don't know where to start.&nbsp; After my first diagnosis 4.5 years I was eager to return to work and regain my "work status".&nbsp; It didn't happen and I became very frustrated with it all.&nbsp; Then when I thought what the heck let the young ones have the stress, I was re-diagnosed in the same breast - dec 2010.&nbsp; This year I had actually planned to retire at age 55 - which is not too far away - and only work a couple of days a week once I had the house in order to sell.&nbsp; We even thought about travelling around Australia and working on the way.&nbsp; Things change.&nbsp; I have been off work since December 2010 having treatment.&nbsp; My last chemo is next Thursday - then I will look forward to re-gaining my energies.&nbsp; Still not sure what I am going to do.&nbsp; I am quite "lucky" as I have insurances to cover some of our living expenses.&nbsp; I have to totally re-think what I want to do with my life.&nbsp; Work is not a big factor in those re-thinking processes.&nbsp; We don't need to really travel around Australia now as my daughter and her family have already moved closer to us.&nbsp; Most likely we will move even closer to them but someone (at this stage my husband) needs to earn a living.&nbsp; So you see we have been thrown into turmoil (my husband has his own health issues that developed about 6 months ago).&nbsp; I see it as positives though.&nbsp; It is as if we have been spun around a few times and are just waiting to land on the deciding space.&nbsp; It is very difficult whilst still on treatment and of course the ongoing "build up your strength" time to make any decisions because I am normally a "go get em" type of person who can't sit still.&nbsp; I thought that I had done my time of patience whilst caring for my late mother who had Dementia.&nbsp; So there are no answers.&nbsp; We have to try and find our own "happy place" and live life as best we can.&nbsp; My happy place is being with my grandchildren especially while they are little so that's what I am aiming for.&nbsp; I hope that you don't feel alone as we are all here for each other giving whatever advice has helped us on this "pink conveyor belt" ride. XLeonie

tonyam · Answer

Leonie,I think we are on&nbsp;a similar&nbsp;spot on the conveyor belt.We've copped a double dose of b cancer and just getting through with&nbsp;chemo.Last year it was soooo important for my recovery to go back to work and normality.However,I now feel differently,one year on from diagnosis.My husband is older and retired on good super 3 years ago.I'll be 56 next month and have decided to quit my job of 15yrs. I want to spend fun time now with my husband and study things that interest me,travel and volunteer.I have sold our large home of 22yrs and will downsize to a single level one in August.These are all&nbsp;fairly radical changes but I feel a compelling need to do so.I think a little voice inside you begins to niggle away.If you listen to your "heart"then often pathways appear clearer.This is how it has happened for me in the last 6mths.We are all at different stages in life(and cancer)&nbsp;and sometimes we crave normality/routine and other times we want change.Roz,maybe you need to make changes- be patient and a path will open up.I give myself a little self talk when I feel "cancer scared"- 'well you got over it didn't you.You are stronger than you realize.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; There are actually worse things that can happen to you.You are so lucky to have a loving husband and healthy kids.' Ok so this helps for awhile until the next time!
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Tonya xx

tonyam · Answer

Leonie,I think we are on&nbsp;a similar&nbsp;spot on the conveyor belt.We've copped a double dose of b cancer and just getting through with&nbsp;chemo.Last year it was soooo important for my recovery to go back to work and normality.However,I now feel differently,one year on from diagnosis.My husband is older and retired on good super 3 years ago.I'll be 56 next month and have decided to quit my job of 15yrs. I want to spend fun time now with my husband and study things that interest me,travel and volunteer.I have sold our large home of 22yrs and will downsize to a single level one in August.These are all&nbsp;fairly radical changes but I feel a compelling need to do so.I think a little voice inside you begins to niggle away.If you listen to your "heart"then often pathways appear clearer.This is how it has happened for me in the last 6mths.We are all at different stages in life(and cancer)&nbsp;and sometimes we crave normality/routine and other times we want change.Roz,maybe you need to make changes- be patient and a path will open up.I give myself a little self talk when I feel "cancer scared"- 'well you got over it didn't you.You are stronger than you realize.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; There are actually worse things that can happen to you.You are so lucky to have a loving husband and healthy kids.' Ok so this helps for awhile until the next time!
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Tonya xx

maria333 · Answer

You need to let go and leave the bad thoughts behind you-I know, easier said than done.
Tell your companion 'fear' that he is no longer needed and boot him out the door. Get yourself a new companion, heck get yourself and entourage, joy, happiness, love, beauty are all waiting in line, they will make great friends and show you life as you have never seen it before. Just listen to your heart as Tonya says.
You have had your share of the darkside, get your pink lady butt to the bright side and shine. You have finished one journey, maybe write about it to get it out of your system, feel the emotions and let them go. Or as Tonya has suggested see a councellor. Do something different, get yourself a hobbie. As Leonie says her happy place is with the grandchildren. Children share joy freely without any expectations, spend more time with your grandson maybe.
You have asked questions of the universe/source/God - whatever you chose to call it. You will find your higher place, you&nbsp;just need some rose coloured glasses to see your new world in a pretty shade filled with joy and love.
More Power to you Roz, you have fought a brave and courageous fight. Now it's time to live. Remember we are all here for you - you are never alone.
Listen to your heart. ((hugs))
Maria333

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