Forum Discussion

Keiley's avatar
Keiley
Member
10 years ago

the rollercoaster

Well, just as it starts sinking in, today the breast nurse from the breast clinic at the hospital calls me to come in first thing Thursday to meet the surgeon. Goodness me! For the past few weeks I've been wondering how I was ever going to be patient enough to wait for appointments and results to come back...now I'm grabbing for the brakes. I'm spinning and almost feel a bit faint sometimes. I remind myself to breathe deep and slow and stay quiet and calm. I've been so busy in my new job the distraction has been wonderful but I'm exhausted now. I want to cry and cry because maybe it will help the adrenaline to pass but I can't seem to cry. 

On the phone, the nurse said she will stay with me for long session after I see the surgeon to help me get all my ducks in a row. My daughter will come be my support person, she is wonderful. 

I've done so much research about breast cancer before now, when I have been supporting others. But now I am blank. I'm so glad for you survivors here. 

emotions

9 Replies

  • InkPetal's avatar
    InkPetal
    Member
    10 years ago

    Hi Keiley,

    The first month flusters are still going strong I see. Those spinning plates just keep on piling up don't they!

    Yeah, those tears can't be forced, but I actually do hope they come soon for you. It's a good relief. As Karen described, they'll probably be triggered by something seemingly silly and without warning. 

    Don't be surprised if you're standing in the kitchen and end up staring blankly at mushrooms, fixated on one that you've convinced yourself is a more warped shape than the others, and get the urge to kick them all across the room because it reminded you of how a cancer cell looks different to healthy ones. Whole box of mushrooms tainted. STUPID MUSHROOMS. I HATE THESE MUSHROOMS.

    I wish that was my story, it's way more interesting than burning yourself on the oven and thinking "What's next?"

     

    - Rebecca

    <3

     

  • Keiley's avatar
    Keiley
    Member
    10 years ago

    Thanks Kath! I was actually just trying to think of questions I should have ready and went blank and got upset. So predictable!

    I shall make sure I get the contact details for the nurse when I meet her. 

  • primek's avatar
    primek
    Member
    10 years ago

    Any questions that pop into your head later you can usually follow up with the breast care nurse. I used to email mine and she was very prompt with responses. And she visited me in hospital  too. Anythibg surgeon soecific...she can clarify for you and get back. Great service. Hope all goes well. Kath

  • Keiley's avatar
    Keiley
    Member
    10 years ago

    Thanks Karen, you're exactly right! I've had that thought come up today when an impatient driver flicked me off - but I have cancer. Bahahaha! How ridiculous the thoughts can be. 

    I can't say I'm looking forward to the morning at the hospital, but it's forward, and that's where I'm going. 

  • Cook65's avatar
    Cook65
    Member
    10 years ago

    Hi Keiley,

    its like we are never happy isn't it? It's either going too slow or too fast! Unfortunately that just seems to be the way it goes for a lot of us.  The tears will come at some point and probably when you least expect them. I went to the 15 items or less lane in the supermarket with more than 15 items (22 items) and was told by the checkout chick that I was being unfair to all the other customers. There was no other customers in the line at that stage and all I could think was "I have breast cancer. How dare you talk to me about fair!". It was the first time I cried and I cried for hours. It was like the dam wall have been burst.  It's time to support yourself now. I'm pleased the breast care nurse is going to spend some time with you. Yes, breathe.  One appointment and day at a time. Hang in there. Karen xox

  • Keiley's avatar
    Keiley
    Member
    10 years ago

    Thank you Tracy, so much! You have explained exactly how I feel and what I'm thinking today. 

    I'm very nervous about tomorrow's appointment, but you guys are helping. 

  • ScorpionQueen's avatar
    ScorpionQueen
    Member
    10 years ago

    Hi Keiley, 

    Yes it's a whirlwind! I liken it to being put into a blender and being told to hang on!

    Like you, I'm the "supporter" , the one who is always reassuring others...and now the tables have turned, my family and friends don't quite know what to do! It took me ages to cry too...I was in soldier mode..."OK, you have cancer Tracy, now how are you going to handle this?" but I have had a mini meltdown during treatment...it felt good to let it out, but then I picked myself up again and soldiered on...

    Your mind automatically puts you into a "protective fog" in times of high stress, it's how we cope and manage our way through things.Things wll seem dreamlike at first. You will go through every kind of emotion a thousand times over and all the while you will remain strong and defiant! You will have low days and have great days.....

    You will get thrown so much information, write everything down, take a reliable family member or friend with you to appointments,as a second set of ears and support of course... wrote all your questions down too.....ask until you are satisfied you understand what's going on...Rest and listen to your body.....learn to say NO (some days you just don't want to talk or see anyone, and that's OK!) Be kind to yourself and breathe...really breathe.

    Wishing you all the best..

    -Tracy

    stay strong|breathe|believe