Forum Discussion
Tears in the Dark.
Last night, My Wonder Woman Shield got laid down. I took the suit of Armour I have been wearing since the day I found out I had Breast Cancer in February and I smashed down the wall I had built around myself for protection and unleashed the ocean of tears that been closed up inside.
In the quietness of the night, I howled and gasped for breath as the heaving wave came crashing around me.
Why, did it happen last night? Simply, the fear, the worry, the unknown and frightened woman I have hid away needed to let go and accept for the moment, I had done all I could and it was okay to feel the fear.
I cried on and off for hours, whether awake or in my sleep - I just cried and cried.
This morning, I dressed, ate breakfast ,swallowed my first dose of pre meds and went to the Chemo Clinic with my Husband at my side to begin my first round of Paclitaxel. (Due to some complications from surgery - they switched me to 12 cycles of Taxel then the
4 x 2 double doses to give my white cells a boost - hopefully).
I got greeted, walked into the inner sanctum of the Chemo Ward, asked to choose a chair - next thing the fucking fear, reality, shock hit me and I took off, out the door, gasping for breath and crying looking for the exit.
That really shook me to the core - that need to run! Holy shit, never in my life have I run when faced with adversity. I have always stood there and fought even I could fight no more! Not today - I wanted to bolt, run, hide, never face anything again!
it took my husband, my breast care nurse, two oncologist nurses to guide me inside, place me in the seat and soothe me back to the Lois they have come to know - The Warrior Woman. They let me weep, while i told them of my shame at my behaviour, the loss of face before the other brave souls within the room who had witness me bolting for the hills at high speed....then told me it was time.
The fight was over, I sat there and accepted there was no where to go but to sit quietly and let Chemo and the Chemicals, play their tunes and fight my battle for me.
Just like to point out - that there a song through my head, I normally play this song, when I am feeling overwhelmed and do not have the place to scream out loud. It is a song called "Stranglehold" by Ted Nugent. That played over and over as they put the cannula in, turn on the drugs and I felt it begin to flow throughout me.
I did have a reaction to the dose - almost within minutes. Shortness of breath and a flushed red face hit me. Holy shit was i bloody frightened. Next thing I had a swarm of staff around me. Gentleness prevailed, not one bit of hysteria emanated from them. That helped me so much - the calmness, methodical protocols they applied and I was given a 20 minute break before they halved the dose and I was able to go ahead and finish the dose. I must admit the Phenergan helped and I fell asleep for the next 1,.5 hours before being gently woken with "Lois, Darling - you have finished your first cycle - Congratulations!" I burst into tears of pure utter relief and joy!
As the night has begin to come now, I feel a sense of peace prevailing. I still have had the odd moment of bursting into tears over anything and everything but that is okay! The confidence and hard core Bitch will once again pick up her sword and Armour and come out to fight but just not today.
Wonder Woman is having a rest.
Lois has bought herself a nice packet of Phenergan and for the first time in 2 weeks, she is going to knock herself out tonight and sleep!
Sorry it is a long post - I never could just write two lines! Just like to point out I am a novelist..lol
So - I will finish this post with one song you will know - "Let it Go, Let it Go!"
Love to you all and Big Hugs.
Lois ( who did not know she possesses the talent to sprint 100 metres to no where - in a nanosecond)
In the quietness of the night, I howled and gasped for breath as the heaving wave came crashing around me.
Why, did it happen last night? Simply, the fear, the worry, the unknown and frightened woman I have hid away needed to let go and accept for the moment, I had done all I could and it was okay to feel the fear.
I cried on and off for hours, whether awake or in my sleep - I just cried and cried.
This morning, I dressed, ate breakfast ,swallowed my first dose of pre meds and went to the Chemo Clinic with my Husband at my side to begin my first round of Paclitaxel. (Due to some complications from surgery - they switched me to 12 cycles of Taxel then the
4 x 2 double doses to give my white cells a boost - hopefully).
I got greeted, walked into the inner sanctum of the Chemo Ward, asked to choose a chair - next thing the fucking fear, reality, shock hit me and I took off, out the door, gasping for breath and crying looking for the exit.
That really shook me to the core - that need to run! Holy shit, never in my life have I run when faced with adversity. I have always stood there and fought even I could fight no more! Not today - I wanted to bolt, run, hide, never face anything again!
it took my husband, my breast care nurse, two oncologist nurses to guide me inside, place me in the seat and soothe me back to the Lois they have come to know - The Warrior Woman. They let me weep, while i told them of my shame at my behaviour, the loss of face before the other brave souls within the room who had witness me bolting for the hills at high speed....then told me it was time.
The fight was over, I sat there and accepted there was no where to go but to sit quietly and let Chemo and the Chemicals, play their tunes and fight my battle for me.
Just like to point out - that there a song through my head, I normally play this song, when I am feeling overwhelmed and do not have the place to scream out loud. It is a song called "Stranglehold" by Ted Nugent. That played over and over as they put the cannula in, turn on the drugs and I felt it begin to flow throughout me.
I did have a reaction to the dose - almost within minutes. Shortness of breath and a flushed red face hit me. Holy shit was i bloody frightened. Next thing I had a swarm of staff around me. Gentleness prevailed, not one bit of hysteria emanated from them. That helped me so much - the calmness, methodical protocols they applied and I was given a 20 minute break before they halved the dose and I was able to go ahead and finish the dose. I must admit the Phenergan helped and I fell asleep for the next 1,.5 hours before being gently woken with "Lois, Darling - you have finished your first cycle - Congratulations!" I burst into tears of pure utter relief and joy!
As the night has begin to come now, I feel a sense of peace prevailing. I still have had the odd moment of bursting into tears over anything and everything but that is okay! The confidence and hard core Bitch will once again pick up her sword and Armour and come out to fight but just not today.
Wonder Woman is having a rest.
Lois has bought herself a nice packet of Phenergan and for the first time in 2 weeks, she is going to knock herself out tonight and sleep!
Sorry it is a long post - I never could just write two lines! Just like to point out I am a novelist..lol
So - I will finish this post with one song you will know - "Let it Go, Let it Go!"
Love to you all and Big Hugs.
Lois ( who did not know she possesses the talent to sprint 100 metres to no where - in a nanosecond)
15 Replies
- @LoisLois thanks for your honesty lovely!
I can remember the fight or flight feeling in the chemo chair vividly. Took me everything I had to stay seated. It’s such a primal thing. Your body is trying to protect itself, and good on it.
Big hugs <3
Caz xxxxxx - @LoisLois It is OK if Wonder Woman lets her shield down from time to time. We put so much pressure on ourselves to hold everything together. I cried when I read your post. I am having my first chemo session 4 June and I have felt a bit anxious trying not to think about it. I hope you have a good nights rest. It is so lovely reading everyones messages of support. Sending you hugs xxx
- @LoisLois your post made me cry and laugh at the same time ..
thank you for sharing I hope you have managed to get some sleep now -and sending you big hugs xx - @LoisLois most of the time, we have choices. Do it, or don't. Keep on track or run away.
When our energy is at its lowest, making those decisions is absolutely fucking exhausting. Previous resolve evaporates.
There is all sorts of technical shit about the physical and emotional impacts of reaching milestones in your diagnosis and treatment. Blah. It doesn't matter,in the dark hours, that others have passed those guideposts too.
My personal recommendation for stress relief is screaming in the car. Preferably on a country road with the window down. Like a demented cancer siren, Doppler effecting past unexplored laneways. Hang in there chick. Mxx - @LoisLois
Ah yes. The joy of planning a quilt when sleep evades us.
Isn't it wonderful that we can research, plan, cut out, stitch and then quilt that beautiful patchwork wonder all within 3 hours from the comfort of our bed.
Just wish that I really could complete a quilt in 3 hours!
Annie - Aww @LoisLois your post gave me goosebumps. I had forgotten that fear for a while, I remember now. Inside every wonder woman there is a scared little rabbit that breaks out of her cage every so often when it all gets too much like reality. My rabbits name is Mixy (short for myxamotosis lol) feed her some carrots (or wine and tim tams) and she'll change back to wonder woman after a rest.
Biggest hugs sweetness. xoxoxoxoxoxo - We can all relate to the tears and the fear. The reality that it’s all out of our control hits and the nights can be just awful. Take care of yourself and hope you get some sleep today xx
- Thinking of you and hoping you are feeling OK.
- If they gave you steroids to take (I can't remember the name - isn't it good that you can eventually forget stuff like this) they do impact on your ability to wind down.
When I had my first surgery, I spent the whole day in the hospital room going for tests then returning but mostly just waiting. The room had a balcony but the doors were firmly locked as apparently the risk of a balcony outweighs the original design of fresh air. Anyway, I remember joking to my surgeon (joking being the way I was covering up my fear) that the doors were locked because otherwise we patients would abscond while no-one was looking. Well...it was kind of a joke.
Take care. - the Phenergan didnt work!!!!!!!! It is 4.45 am and still wide awake! oh well, I have caught up on the never ending bill payments, written a letter, researched some quilting designs, played some computer games and eaten some chocolate. Even a hot milk drink didnt work. Thankfully NO appointments today so I am sure I will fall asleep eventually!
Best bit is: My daughters and grandson are arriving to spend the day/night with me!!! The hubby is away for the night. He was worried about leaving me - bless him. The family have been so very supportive towards us both and so proud of them. Hope YOU are all doing well in your lives and THANK YOU for the wonderful comments - it really helped cheer me up!
