Saw my oncologist yesterday for the pre-chemo check-up. She started discussing Tamoxifen & Anastrozole with me. I've read up on them before and, while I know some people have no troubles with them, others have a lot. So until I start taking them, I will have dread. Seven years the onc reckons. It's challenging to contemplate seven years of suffering.It's my last chemo on Tuesday. People keep expecting me to be happy but I don't feel happy at all. I am as flat as a tack, sad, and cannot contemplate the future with any pleasure. It all seems so futile.And in between those two phases of treatment is a bi-lateral mastectomy and reconstruction. Daunting.Being slammed into hard menopause sucks. I don't sleep well. Will I ever again?I'm doing everything I can to maximise my chances of life. I presume one day I'll feel better about it, but for now I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I can't get my shoulders down from up round my ears I'm that tense. I'm trying to stay in the moment, but failing, and positivity is completely beyond me. I'm just so tired.I don't want to see anybody, there's hardly anything I want to do. I've got friends coming over today but right now I just wish they weren't. Is it OK to duck out mid-afternoon for a rest?Cried myself to sleep last night. I'm aware that most of us have bouts of self-pity, but this feels different. An absence of good spirits. One day at a time is not working for me at the moment.Sorry for the whinge. Just needed to get it out. Where better than here and all you lovely women.

@sister A friend came and took me up into the hills today. We had lunch in a lovely cafe and then went for a long walk in the National Rhododendrum Gardens. Breathed deeply and did a spot of forest bathing. Exhausted, but good for mind and body.

Hi @kmakm it is quite normal to feel flat and sad when you come up to your last chemo it is a signalling of our emotions that we have held together to get us through chemo ... I believe the crying is a process that we go through at this time.... YES you always have permission to duck out mid afternoon for a rest.... When they arrive explain that Chemo means you need an afternoon nap.... So you will be going to lay down for a time in the afternoon.... Have you seen a psychologist ? you are entitled under the Mental health plan to see one under medicare.... Ask either your Onco or GP to give you a Mental health Plan (chronic disease) I waited for about a Year after chemo before I saw someone wrong choice it then took a longer time for me to work through all the emotions I had pushed down going through treatment.There are a couple of things that helped me ... I do a relaxation mediation by Petrea King that has got me into a good sleep pattern I have it on my Ipod and listen with headphones and drift into sleep while it plays I normally remove headphones and drop to floor and then go into a deep sleep... you can get Mediation CDs at most local libraries or you could download a YouTube version on one.... another good one is Letting go by Sarah Edelman... I also downloaded when sleep was evasive an app called white noise you can then play various noises that will help soothe you through sleep ..... I liked a combination of waves and thunder Don't ever feel sorry about needing to vent and share where you are at right now on your Roller coaster ride you didn't chose to get on. Gentle hugs and energy to deal with the day ahead ...

Hi @kmakm,So many things of the things you are thinking and feeling were my thoughts and feelings too as I neared the end of chemo. It is so ‘normal’ for us to feel this way at that point. I particularly wondered if I would ever sleep well again!But I have also read many of your posts and comments that tend to make me think you are going to come through this just fine too. @SoldierCrab has given you terrific advice and the meditation/relaxation resources are really worth a try.I am five years down the track (well actually not until May, but almost) and I can definitely say it has not been 5 years of suffering. I have had a few hurdles along the way but I have learnt that I am pretty resilient. So far there has always been something that can help any of the problems I have had.I had 2 years on Tamoxifen (very few side effects) and then my body decided to come out of chemo induced menopause and so I had my ovaries removed and switched to Femara (Letrozole). Next hurdle was bone density plunging to osteoporosis level. I found a simple but very effective way around that too. I do a weightlifting program just twice a week and 12 months later my bone density is no longer osteoporotic.I have had other issues along the way too but always there is something that can help. This network has been the best source of practical advice for most problems I have had. If nothing else then a good vent on here can sometimes help to make you feel better. We all have those moments.One thing that I think I am so much better at (although I still need to work on it) is realising that I am not responsible for EVERYTHING. In fact letting others (especially children and partners) take over some of the responsibilities is good for them too. My daughter who had suffered from crippling anxiety all her life, grew so much when she felt needed and appreciated for her help. You are at the the stage where it is so hard to know the way forward but just keep moving in that general direction and you will get through this. I had no clue what my future after bc would hold but it has been ok. There have even been some absolutely amazing bits that I could never have imagined. Keep going and trust that you will find the right way forward for you. Take care. Deanne xxx

Ladies on the day of surgery I asked for my breasts to be named "A" & "B" as I was evicting them for the toxicity they held..... (A & B ) where actual names of some family members who had been breaking boundaries in my life.... they happily wrote the names of them one on each breast and I evicted them 25/10/12 it was very therapeutic for me.

@kmakm I wondered where you were this morning. I wish I could magic myself to Melbourne and give you a hug - probably not really a hug 'cos I'm not a huggy person. You WILL get through this, one step at a time. If you look at 7 years, you'll go crazy. Being as miserable as a bandicoot seems to be the norm, sometimes. I know there's a lot of bandicoots around my house. And yes, you're almost at the end of chemo but not the end of treatment so it's understandable that you will feel overwhelmed at times. Listen to me! Some expert! If your counsellor's good, stay with him/her - if not, try to find someone else. Thinking of you.

Struggling with my mood | BCNA Online Network

53 Replies

kmakm
Member
8 years ago
@primek So good for the spirit! :)
primek
Member
8 years ago
I didn't expect my expander to be 3/4 inflated straight from surgery. It was a very good surgical outcome. Not all surgeons do it like this.
kmakm
Member
8 years ago
@primek Oh wow! How did that happen? Did they not expect to be able to do a reconstruction?
primek
Member
8 years ago
I was smiling as I was expecting to wake up flat but my surgeon surprised me.
kmakm
Member
8 years ago
@primek Yes, I've read the info on post-op tears & my breast care nurse has also warned me. Oh joy...
primek
Member
8 years ago
You will feel relieved to have that cancer breast removed. The reality of your endurance will really hit home them...so expect more tears. That's normal too. X
kmakm
Member
8 years ago
@primek Yes, though it does feel like a four month sprint after a five year marathon... I am unutterably down. I am really looking forward to getting my energy back (nice foretaste today on the Dex), but of course that's going to be interrupted by the operation. It's a long road, but futility feelings or not, I'm on it, putting one foot in front of the other. Thanks for the whoo hoo, you're a sweetheart.
primek
Member
8 years ago
Lots of great advice here.

I was absolutely miserable at end of chemo and very depressed. But slowly after 3 weeks I started to feel better and energy got better. I had a lovely trip away and it helped. I still needed to nap most days. By 7 weeks I was much better and ready to return to work. Survivorship is hard. It's when everything slows down and you finally draw breathe and think...oh shit...I had cancer and could have died...and secretly fear we still might. But with the mindshift of thinking. ..I had cancer...not have...helps you to feel more positive. You are mentally and physically exhausted. You have just run a marathon honey and you need time to regroup and recover. And woohoo on last chemo. X
Sister
Member
8 years ago
Excellent!
kmakm
Member
8 years ago
@SoldierCrab I am down to start a highly recommended oncology exercise programme on 4th June.

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Struggling with my mood

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