Struggling with my mood

Saw my oncologist yesterday for the pre-chemo check-up. She started discussing Tamoxifen & Anastrozole with me. I've read up on them before and, while I know some people have no troubles with them, others have a lot. So until I start taking them, I will have dread. Seven years the onc reckons. It's challenging to contemplate seven years of suffering.

It's my last chemo on Tuesday. People keep expecting me to be happy but I don't feel happy at all. I am as flat as a tack, sad, and cannot contemplate the future with any pleasure. It all seems so futile.

And in between those two phases of treatment is a bi-lateral mastectomy and reconstruction. Daunting.

Being slammed into hard menopause sucks.

I don't sleep well. Will I ever again?

I'm doing everything I can to maximise my chances of life. I presume one day I'll feel better about it, but for now I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I can't get my shoulders down from up round my ears I'm that tense. I'm trying to stay in the moment, but failing, and positivity is completely beyond me. I'm just so tired.

I don't want to see anybody, there's hardly anything I want to do. I've got friends coming over today but right now I just wish they weren't. Is it OK to duck out mid-afternoon for a rest?

Cried myself to sleep last night. I'm aware that most of us have bouts of self-pity, but this feels different. An absence of good spirits. One day at a time is not working for me at the moment.

Sorry for the whinge. Just needed to get it out. Where better than here and all you lovely women.