Results are in...treatment has begun
Its been a roller-coaster the last few days. My lymph nodesbiopsy results on Tuesday confirmed 100% breast cancer, which also means the lungs are positive too. I was very upset to hear this news, even though I thought I'd fully prepared myself for this diagnosis. I hadn't realised the extent of the hope I'd had to be in the 1% chance of a negative result. I had floods of tears all day....the sadness was so intense...it was almost like being re-traumatised in a way. Hearing the 100% confirmation, treatment plan and possible side effects (including definite hair loss) made it all so very real. There was no turning back now.
On Wednesday, after a dreadful nights sleep, I woke with an overwhelming sense of relief....relief that I didn't have to endure any further biopses, and relief that I could get on with the fight at last. I reminded myself that a negative lymph node biopsy would've meant a further lung biopsy, 3-4 days in hospital and another 2 day wait for results....which in my case would've resulted in a positive diagnosis anyway!
So now I face chemotherapy 3 weekly (Docetaxel - Taxotere) and Herceptin, which I started today. They had a terrible time getting the needle in, and after 45 minutes of trying and loads of pain, they finally got it in. They strongly recommended I get a 'line' put in, so that access would be easier for all of us. I have chosen to have a PICC line (with the catheter put in under local anaesthic and an external canulla showing near inner elbow) as opposed to an implanted Port (Infusaport or Portacath) put in. It seemed an easier procedure but I just hope this will be a good decision. If not i can always swap to a Port at any time apparently. I spoke to another lady who had the same PICC line and she showed me it and swore by it...she was very happy with it. So one chemo down and a minimum of 5 to go (or up to 9 in total depending on how it goes).
The psychology visit went well today with positive reminders of my experiences had throughout my last treatment regime which were very good to hear....the courage, the determination and the hope I held. Also, I now understand that this recurrence is not my fault...I cannot blame myself and I have not failed. The sadness is ok, the fear is ok, the tears are ok, the anger is ok....I am ok to have these feelings.
So the official fight has begun at last, and in time, one day at a time, I will learn to dance in the rain again! xxx
