Remembering my Mastectomy

Today is Good Friday. Last year I spent Good Friday in hospital after having a mastectomy the previous day.

It is annoying having an anniversary that it linked to Easter as it sort of gives me 2 anniversaries - one based on Easter & one based on the date. Yesterday I kept thinking about what I was doing the equivalent day last year.

 

One of the things I was scared about beforehand was the waiting in the waiting room. It didn't seem possible for a person to be able to calmly wait in order to go into surgery for their breast to be removed. The thought was just too much to fit in my head. But, as it turned out I was quite calm. In a way in the waiting room wasn't like waiting because once I got to the hospital the process had begun.

 

I was also nervous about when I had get changed into my gown as I felt like I would be looking sadly (possibly melodramatically) at my right nipple since it would the last time I would ever see it. But, since getting changed took such a long time due to having to wiggle the compression stockings under my ankle name tag and there was a queue of other people waiting to use the change room I just got changed as fast as I could and didn't even do a "last look".

 

One thing I liked was when I was lying on a trolley waiting to go in the operating room and my surgeon came over to say hello and apologise for the delay. She said 'hi how are you?' and I said 'good thanks, how are you?' just as if it was a normal situation and not a completely weird pre-mastectomy situation. I found it amusing that I was still obeying polite social convention in that situation.

 

The junior anesthestist had some trouble getting a needle in my arm until I gave her a suggestion of where it had worked best for the previous anesthestist.

 

I don't really remember the recovery room. I have some jumbled memories but I don't know which go with which surgery.

 

I remember being back in the ward and feeling relieved that it was all over. It was a very good feeling. Shortly afterwards the plastic registrar told me that although they had basically 99% promised me that could put the permanent implant in then, they hadn't been able to and so I instead had an expander a second op would be required to swap it for the implant. After he had gone that made me cry.

 

Apart from that bad news it wasn't as bad as I had thought. Though really I had not been able to imagine what it would be like so in a way I hadn't had any expectations.

 

My breast was covered with a white section over the incision area and some kind of clear film over a wider area. It was yellow from disinfectant and kind of bulging and squashing in different spots. It looked weird and I did feel relieved that it wasn't flat which I imagined would be harder to deal with.

 

I hadn't been sure if I would want my family to visit that evening but I felt ok and was happy to see them.

 

I had a pain-killing tablet and then got out of bed to go to the toilet. When I got back to bed I threw up several times in just a few minutes. The nurse blamed my trip to the toilet but I blamed the tablet.

 

They gave me pain-killers but I don't remember having any significant pain. The worst thing about the first night was having to get the nurse to unhook me from my leg-pumping machine every time I wanted to go to the toilet - which was quite a lot of times.

 

The next day I spent the day lying in my hosptial bed. The plastics registrar came to see me in the morning and said everything looked good and I could probably go home the next day. Due it being Good Friday there was nobody answering the television hiring phone line which was annoying. However I read my book, did the crossword and had some visitors. I was feeling somewhat tired and so wasn't restless to do anything more. 

 

The next day the registrar came and checked me again and said I had too much in my drainage bag to go home but could probably go the next day.  I was able to hire a television and watched a Frasier marathon for the rest of day. Sometimes I lay in my bed and sometimes I sat in my chair which made an exciting change. I also walked around the hospital a little.

 

My mum asked me what I wore when I went walking & was surprised to hear that it was the same outfit I was wearing then. This consisted of: head covered only in stubble, bright-blue flannel pyjama top and very old navy-blue shorts over white compression stockings. Also carrying a drainage bag. I probably looked quite odd but it was only the hospital so I didn't care.

 

The next day was Easter Sunday and I was getting restless. I got some easter eggs with my breakfast which was nice. I considered going to the easter service for something to do (I'm not religious) but I was too nervous that I would miss the registrar's visit. He came just after it had started so that was good. This time he told me I could go home once the nurse took the drainage tube out. I had to wait a while for that to happen and then she also decided the dressing should be changed before I left.

 

She took off the dressing but I delibrately didn't look at it while it was uncovered as I was scared. She put back a smaller dressing and didn't look as weird or bulgy any more. It was useful getting used to my new breast gradually.

 

When I went back and got an even smaller dressing the next week I could slightly see the scar through it , then when I eventually saw it without any dressing it was not traumatic the way I had imagined.

 

One thing that had creeped me out beforehand was the idea that without a nipple my breast would just me blank - which seemed creepy like a face with no eyes. But it wasn't blank as it had this big scar across it, so I actually like my scar.

 

Having a mastectomy was maybe the most intense experience that I have ever had. I was terrified beforehand but once it was time to deal with I found I could.

 

I did not have much pain in the breast area although I did have trouble with my arm for a while. I still have an occasion tingly feeling in my forearm but otherwise everything is fine.