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sandycee's avatar
sandycee
Member
14 years ago

Please not something else

Well today is the first day I have had off work since boxing day and I was really looking forward to it and tomorrow being motivated to start cleaning up the house -one room at a time.

Way back in October I got notified by the government bowel cancer screening and was asked if I wanted to take part. I should have listened to my own intuition, though I thougt - sure why not. So it took some time, then I was on chemo and I thought it would be better to wait until after I had finished that which wasn't until early November. However I couldn't get around to doing it until mid December. So I sent it off only a week before Christmas, believing it would be just a formality.

Having a post office box meant the mail hadn't been checked for over a week and in there was a letter suggesting I see my doctor within the next two weeks to discuss further my results.

Great! He doesn't come back until next Monday. It is going to be on my mind for another week - wondering if it is bad, what is going to happen next - do I need the colonoscopy? Do I need further treatment? I can still vividly remember my shock from getting the second letter about my breast cancer. Being told in the letter how most women don't have breast cancer...etc The same kind of wording is in this letter. Call my superstitious, though it has been plaguing my mind since I sent it off then. I am beginning to feel that I shouldn't have gone with it.

I am not on Tamoxifen. I remember my oncologist's registrar telling me I could not start the chemo after my hormone treatment. I wonder if chemo can be given with the tamoxifen? I wonder if the two will clash? I wonder if I will need surgery - I have a needle phobia - I have just contacted my hypnotherapist to get a consultation to address this. I thought it was all over. So many different thoughts going through my head. I am crying cos I don't know what will happen next and am frightened of the possibility of more treatment.

Just when I was starting to feel optimistic about the new year. I should have known it couldn't last it is a 5 year and it clashes  with my 1/8. 

I am just letting it all out for now, but want to run to bed and cry. I want my doctor to come back today so I can go and see him and he can tell me that it wasn't so bad, and perhaps we should do the test again just to be sure.

Another day in hospital having a colonoscopy. Having anaesthetic. Waking up and needing someone to drive me home -not that - that - is a problem. My poor partner - wonderful partner has been with me every step of the journey with my breast cancer - now this. I don't know if I can cope with it really.

I keep having these inklings that my other breast will show up with breast cancer and I will have to have that off too. I told my partner that I will not have another prosthesis for my left bresat, I will simply go bra less and breastless. It will save so much money and I am not that vain really. Coming to terms with everything that way - even now, I don't even wear my prosthesis all the time - even going shopping I go out as a single breasted woman.

Well, no good brooding over this news until it happens, back to work - waiting on my wonderful partner cooking some chicken in the barby for lunch. I woke up late, and didn't have any brekkie so now am getting hungry and want something scrumptious to eat.

S.B.W.

9 Replies

  • sandycee's avatar
    sandycee
    Member
    14 years ago

    Hi Sarah,

    I have been to see my GP and he also told me it could be as a result of the chemo, or it could be haemarrhoids, or anything else just as simple. I didn't know about the brushing your teeth too much and swalling the blood! How weird.

    My oncologist doesn't think it was the chemo, though she said if I had constipation before hand it could be that too.

    So now I have to wait. I see my surgeon on 24th to arrange for the test to be done properly and then I will know for sure. I am feeling quite safe now, and relaxed about it. Hoping that all will be well.

    Thing is that I feel really well and healthy - seems silly that anything else could dare show it's ugly head to me now...

    Thanks fo ryour support, you are right to ease up and sieze the day. I am more optimistic now with the new year and am thinking positive.

    Sandy xx

  • Sarah_51's avatar
    Sarah_51
    Member
    14 years ago

    Hi Sandy

    Sorry to hear about your predicament with the bowel testing but you know you can get a false positive from just having brushed you teeth too hard and swallowed some of the blood from your gums it sounds ridiculous but the kits are that sensitive. Also there are things like haemarrhoids and anal fissure that can do it too so don't think the worst (too late now I think) but ease up on your self and sieze the day!!

    Love Sarah x

  • Sarah_51's avatar
    Sarah_51
    Member
    14 years ago

    Hi Sandy

    Sorry to hear about your predicament with the bowel testing but you know you can get a false positive from just having brushed you teeth too hard and swallowed some of the blood from your gums it sounds ridiculous but the kits are that sensitive. Also there are things like haemarrhoids and anal fissure that can do it too so don't think the worst (too late now I think) but ease up on your self and sieze the day!!

    Love Sarah x

  • sandycee's avatar
    sandycee
    Member
    14 years ago

    Thanks Sam, 

    I really appreciate your input as well. I am finding small distractions by catching up with paperwork and also working on my websites - work related as well.

    My hair is still no more than "bum fluff" though my partner reckons it is growing over night. Yes, I have to make a booking to get my nails done, and I promised my partner we would both go for a pedicure once my chemo was finished. I will be working Tomorrow until Sunday so that will be another good distraction.

    Yes, it is better to know one way or another, just that I need to learn not to over indulge in my imagination at this stage.

    Sandy xx

  • sandycee's avatar
    sandycee
    Member
    14 years ago

    Thanks Leonie,

    Yes, I know I am jumping the gun a bit here. I can still remember the feeling I had - that gut renching feeling - when I got the letter for the second mammogram. It was that sick - I know what it is - feeling. I have to put this out of my head for a few more days so I don't get myself sick again. I suffer terribly with M.O.M. (Mind Over Matter). 

    I have to visualise myself well. See ME as WELL, Healthy, Glowing, Radiant etc.

    I hope you are feeling well also Leonie and yes, you are right - at least we are being monitored now. If you look at it that way, we should feel honoured as we get improved treatment - well, most of the time anyway.

    Good health to us all...

    Sandy xx

  • sandycee's avatar
    sandycee
    Member
    14 years ago

    Thanks Tonya,

    I hope you are soon feeling better from the flu symptoms. It is awful to have colds/flus in the summer. Yesterday and today are soo hot I am just going to hibernate inside the house and try to stay cool.

    I had a few cries yesterday and keep thinking of people who have "jinxed" me in recent months when I ended up sick. I know, it is simply not good to think negative. I put off using the test for a few weeks as it was, and only from the prompting of another reminder letter from them did I say, well, okay I think I am okay for now to do it. Yes, I had some red meat before I did it - the day before. No vitamins as have been off them since I started my chemo when the oncologist told me to stop them. I am fortunate I have a great GP who has a lot of common sense and even though he is only new to me (less than 12 months) I think he knows me enough to say - calm down, this isn't as serious as you think it is.

    I also thought they don't do chemo at the same time as tamoxifen. That was another thing going through my mind. As this is so close to the breast cancer, perhaps the chemo killed anything that was there anyway. I can keep hoping.

    I think you are very brave Tonya, if I were you, I would have the pap test done before the dentist. It is more important, and once you get it over and done with, it is done for a year...or two. 

    Thanks again for your kind words

    Sandy xx

  • Samantha_Cunnin's avatar
    Samantha_Cunnin
    Member
    14 years ago

    Leonie and Tonya are so spot on! It can be difficult to not jump to conclusions before u have a correct diagnosis but perhaps use distracions to put ur mind off it. Mabye go to a movie, have ur hair or nails done, go to the beach, anything to fill in the time until u see ur doc

    Keep thinking positively that the re-test will be clear

    Good luck, and remember it is better to know one way or the other, then u can fight head it on if u have to

    Sam :)

     

  • Leonie_Moore's avatar
    Leonie_Moore
    Member
    14 years ago

    Sometimes the results are inconclusive and it means you need to do the test again.  As someone else said in a blog it is unfortunate that everything needs to be checked out for cancer.  Unfortunately that is how it has to be for us all now.  But on the positive side - we are constantly being monitored which is much beter than walking around with an unknown time bomb ticking.  I say live in the now and "attack" things as we get confirmation.  I hope this can help you a little.  When I am well I just love it and don't think about the bad health days. XLeonie

  • TonyaM's avatar
    TonyaM
    Member
    14 years ago

    You haven't started 2012 very well.I  woke up on dec.31st with flu symptoms and have been so sick in bed.It's a bugger to start the new year in negative mode isn't it.Like you,I got the bowel test sent to me last year and I kept putting it off.I had recently had a full body scan(2010 after my 2nd breast cancer diagnosis)and that was clear.I was too busy movung house so I went with my gut and ignored it.Now my hip is aching and it's probably from all the physical demands of moving but will have to tell my oncologist at my check up in a fortnight.That'll mean x rays and anxiety.It's very easy to spiral down and think the cancer has spread.So I know how you are feeling. Maybe your specimen just hung around in the post box for too long.Did you eat any red meat beforehand?or take any vitamins?Chances are that you'll just repeat the test again.As far as I know,they don't give you chemo and Tamoxifen at the same time .I'm on Tamoxifen and started it about a month after chemo.The surgery/treatment is all still very raw for you so ofcourse you wouldn't want to face any more for awhile.Gosh,I can't even get my nerve up to have a dental checkup or a pap test!-both very much overdue. When I had my first bout of breast cancer(2003)I can remember it taking about 2 years to get my confidence back.So it's normal to still have some anxiety about your health  but don't jump the gun on that bowel test!!

                                        Tonya xx