Paclitaxel - Taxol the Tyrant (Triple Tʻs), have just completed Wk4...tears and sadness
In advance, I apologise for the lengthy post,
Here I am reaching out to the BCNA group...flooded with tears, an emotional overload. I have a feeling of overwhelming sadness and aloneness, a hollowness where my sense of peace would usually reside...that peace that I was harnessing, that I was protecting from the army of chemicals.
I feel that I am sharing life, my life, a life I am in a co-ownership, relationship with cancer and the translucent liquids I have consented to. Liquids that appear harmless to the naked eye, yet their energy shoots through with speed and strength that my already beaten and fragile body cannot tolerate. Compliments of AC.
How much can it bear? I went to the supermarket today and the tear waterfall that had sat behind a solid dam burst open. They were the unspoken words of the pain in my heart, in my inner being, in my loss, my grief. Who was this person who lost her ability to regulate her emotions?
Iʻm fiercely independent and donʻt ask for help easily (a topic for another occasion). Not to burden or upset my adult children, friends, acquaintances. I wear a mask securely fitted - because mum/friend is a survivor, strong, resilient - bounces back with every knock in life. I am learning on this voyage, that unless you have understood the power of the red devil and the tyrant on the bodyʻs life, you know very little. I live on my own and there is much you can conceal...though no place to hide from self, your human physical and emotional laundry awaits you.
I silently ask myself over and over ʻif this is worth itʻ and so here enters guilt, shame and selfishness. I have been doing quite well up until now (ex AC). A dialogue that takes place between the ʻis this worth it? and what would happen if I took the exit from chemo?ʻ and switching to ʻyou have a good chance of beating this girl, donʻt be ridiculous and pull yourself up from your boot laces and soldier onʻ.
I honestly felt that I had responded so much better to Paclitaxel for Wks 1-3 that this flow would continue and I could actually breathe without intense fear of what is lurking around the corner. Wk side effects, I have broken out in a rash which the ONC nurses confirmed was Taxol coming out so I will be reassessed at the next session; there are small nose bleeds (although I am using pawpaw as the ONC suggested), discolouration of my skin and brown spots on my big toe nails (moisturising madly); the most upsetting...the heart palpitations - I had an ECG this week but in the last 24 hrs, my heart is racing in a marathon (Iʻve measured my heart rate on my phone and it recorded it at 125 bpm). A simple task that I would normally whip through exhausted me and took me over 30mins.
I can only apologise to my body for the decisions I have made and the hurt it is suffering. What else can one do?
Here I am reaching out to the BCNA group...flooded with tears, an emotional overload. I have a feeling of overwhelming sadness and aloneness, a hollowness where my sense of peace would usually reside...that peace that I was harnessing, that I was protecting from the army of chemicals.
I feel that I am sharing life, my life, a life I am in a co-ownership, relationship with cancer and the translucent liquids I have consented to. Liquids that appear harmless to the naked eye, yet their energy shoots through with speed and strength that my already beaten and fragile body cannot tolerate. Compliments of AC.
How much can it bear? I went to the supermarket today and the tear waterfall that had sat behind a solid dam burst open. They were the unspoken words of the pain in my heart, in my inner being, in my loss, my grief. Who was this person who lost her ability to regulate her emotions?
Iʻm fiercely independent and donʻt ask for help easily (a topic for another occasion). Not to burden or upset my adult children, friends, acquaintances. I wear a mask securely fitted - because mum/friend is a survivor, strong, resilient - bounces back with every knock in life. I am learning on this voyage, that unless you have understood the power of the red devil and the tyrant on the bodyʻs life, you know very little. I live on my own and there is much you can conceal...though no place to hide from self, your human physical and emotional laundry awaits you.
I silently ask myself over and over ʻif this is worth itʻ and so here enters guilt, shame and selfishness. I have been doing quite well up until now (ex AC). A dialogue that takes place between the ʻis this worth it? and what would happen if I took the exit from chemo?ʻ and switching to ʻyou have a good chance of beating this girl, donʻt be ridiculous and pull yourself up from your boot laces and soldier onʻ.
I honestly felt that I had responded so much better to Paclitaxel for Wks 1-3 that this flow would continue and I could actually breathe without intense fear of what is lurking around the corner. Wk side effects, I have broken out in a rash which the ONC nurses confirmed was Taxol coming out so I will be reassessed at the next session; there are small nose bleeds (although I am using pawpaw as the ONC suggested), discolouration of my skin and brown spots on my big toe nails (moisturising madly); the most upsetting...the heart palpitations - I had an ECG this week but in the last 24 hrs, my heart is racing in a marathon (Iʻve measured my heart rate on my phone and it recorded it at 125 bpm). A simple task that I would normally whip through exhausted me and took me over 30mins.
I can only apologise to my body for the decisions I have made and the hurt it is suffering. What else can one do?
