Five weeks ago (three weeks before my mastectomy) I went into hiding from my family and friends and their negativity. My daughters and Husband as well as my new BC friends were the only ones who had access to me other than medical persons. On Sunday I went to church and spoke to my paster about trauma and chemo mental health issues. He was shocked and asked me to educate him. Another lady in the church has just been diagnosed and her first response to me was, "I didn't realise we were saying the wrong things until I was given the diagnose. Then I realised". I feel much better after my hiding break and being able to talk about mental/emotional issues has released so much frustration. I am yet to come out of hiding from my negative mother and sister but wil have to do that before Christmas. I just need to plan on doing something positive after I have spoken to them. I am a long way from the strong me that was but I am trying to embrace the me that is. Have a happy day my lovely friends.

Hi @Blossom1961, my mother has always disappointed her when I needed her most. It has been 1 month since my diagnosis and 3 weeks since surgery. My parents live 1 1/2 hours away and have not yet been to visit. Instead they sent me a cheque (which I won’t cash). All I wanted was a visit.If there’s anything to be learnt from what we’re going through is how to be a better person to others who are going through life’s challenges.And surround yourself with friends who love and support you, including cyber BC friends here. As @arpie said you have to have a laugh along the way. Take care xxx

Well said, @Blossom1961 - we are treading a difficult enough path without having extra boulders put in the way.I am glad your Pastor and other parishioner were receptive to you discussing the issue - and no doubt, it will trickle down thru the church community & beyond to families who may or may not have family members with cancer - just on how to approach them & what NOT to say. Sadly, there are always one or two who are either in denial or not sure how to respond to the news ..... I think it makes them face their own mortality and they are just plain scared ...... or maybe they think it is catchy?? I don't know! I just try not to associate with those people - so well done for going into hiding for your own sanity & mental & physical well being - as well as that of your immediate family.My sister is a bit of a whacky one too - I know that within hours of catching up, she'll be shaking her head, rolling her eyes & will eventually scream at me ..... cos she always does! Sad, but real. Thank GOD she lives in another state! ;) We love each other when we are apart - but scratch each other's eyes out when together! You'd think after 65 years that we'd sort it out! NUP!All the best with your ongoing recovery & treatment - keep us up to date with the goings on - chuck in a laugh or two ..... laughter is the best medicine ..... and just take care xxxx

@Blossom1961 you could reframe your 'keeping your distance' from your mum as being as bad as her, as setting healthy boundaries for yourself. Toxic family is so hard to deal with (I have my own experience) but please put yourself first, especially now when you have your health to prioritise. You can firmly and respectfully show her what behaviour you are prepared to accept. Best wishes for healing and peace. 🙂

Blossom1961, I have elderly parents whom instead of being negative are over optimistic ( for their own health reason I have not told them that I have mets) .I understand that you just want to get a hug with no strings attached and no comments to go with it. So , close your eyes , wrap your arms around yourself tight and that's a hug from me, Take care

Rest Recover and regroup. We all need that break at times. And I guess many have remembered comments said to others thinking it would help but it didn't. My only comment now to anyone with breast cancer is..."No you don't have to feel positive all the time...we all get scared, worry and have doubts if we will survive. ..all you need to do is show up for treatment. Positive or negative thoughts won't alter the outcone....but feeling positive can help us feel happier, it can take time to believe you are a survivor. "I think it's wonderful you have shared your thoughts with your pastor who now has greater wisdom because if it. Kath x

Out of hiding | BCNA Online Network

12 Replies

Wonk
Member
7 years ago
@arpie thank you! The cheque’s in the mail. Let’s see how that goes.

@Zoffiel very well said about toxic people.
primek
Member
7 years ago
Rest Recover and regroup. We all need that break at times. And I guess many have remembered comments said to others thinking it would help but it didn't.

My only comment now to anyone with breast cancer is..."No you don't have to feel positive all the time...we all get scared, worry and have doubts if we will survive. ..all you need to do is show up for treatment. Positive or negative thoughts won't alter the outcone....but feeling positive can help us feel happier, it can take time to believe you are a survivor. "

I think it's wonderful you have shared your thoughts with your pastor who now has greater wisdom because if it. Kath x
Silba
Member
7 years ago
Blossom1961,

I have elderly parents whom instead of being negative are over optimistic ( for their own health reason I have not told them that I have mets) .I understand that you just want to get a hug with no strings attached and no comments to go with it.

So , close your eyes , wrap your arms around yourself tight and that's a hug from me,

Take care
j9k
Member
7 years ago
@Blossom1961 you could reframe your 'keeping your distance' from your mum as being as bad as her, as setting healthy boundaries for yourself. Toxic family is so hard to deal with (I have my own experience) but please put yourself first, especially now when you have your health to prioritise. You can firmly and respectfully show her what behaviour you are prepared to accept. Best wishes for healing and peace. 🙂
Blossom1961
Member
7 years ago
@Zoffiel So true. Unfortunately the most toxic is my mother. When Dad was alive she kept her toxicity hidden but since he died eighteen years ago she has been revealing her grudge against me more and more. If I continue to keep my distance from her, then I am as bad as she is. The hardest bit is dealing with her whilst dealing with BC. I lost it with her a short while ago and told her to get over it. A week later we were back to square one. Sigh
Zoffiel
Member
7 years ago
Advance and retreat @blossom1961
Like many I loathe the word 'battle' when it relates to cancer treatment, but I have taken some comfort from the advice offered by Sun Tzu in the pre-biblical Art of War.
We are incapable of personally fighting the cancer itself, but all complex issues (mental, physical or financial) benefit from some form of strategic planning. BC can be about as complex as it gets, you need to figure out where your weaknesses and strengths are and behave accordingly.
If people or situations make you feel sick or anxious, avoid them for a while and think about what would make the interaction more comfortable. Interestingly, the people who stress us haven't changed because we have cancer, it's just our perception of them and our ability to deal with their toxicity. Mxx
Sister
Member
7 years ago
Oops!
arpie
Member
7 years ago
@Wonk - how upsetting that would be - I can totally understand. :( And SO hard to understand, unless they are very elderly & infirm!

I reckon I'd just pop the cheque in the post back to them (even in a Xmas card!!) & tell them you'd prefer a visit instead? ;) Then they might realise the amount of hurt they've passed on to you :(
Wonk
Member
7 years ago
@Sister original post from @Blossom1961, not me 😊
Sister
Member
7 years ago
@wonk It's really good that you have been able to come out of hiding to your pastor. At a time like this, your church community should know what is going on for you so that they can support you. And good that you and the other lady can help the community to know how to support.