More surgery
Tuesday
Ok, I have settled down enough to do a post update although my stomach is still doing flip flops with worry. I went in to outpatients on Tuesday expecting to get my mastectomy drain removed as it had been low output for 3 days in a row and my breast nurse who checked it on Monday said it would be good to go.
What I didn’t expect was my surgeon to see me. Hubby came in with me to the appointment as he usually does but the surgeon didn’t seem really interested in my chest for the moment. Hubby and I sat down but the surgeon did not. He proceeded to tell us he had the pathology results back and that the sentinel node was positive for cancer.
I felt like saying ‘yes God’ as all over 6foot of him was towering over me like a naughty child which immediately got me in a defensive mood. He then said he has surgery booked for me on the 7th Dec for a full auxiliary node clearance.
That’s a bit of a shock! First he says I still have cancer then I am told when my surgery is. I didn’t really have time for the news to sink in when he got a couple of nurses to remove my drain (didn’t even hurt I don’t think, I was getting numb and foggy after the news), and the other nurse proceed to hand me a form for a chest and pelvic CT scan which I would have to go to and make an appointment as soon as possible. Then they sent us straight to the other side of the building for pre-op signing in.
I didn’t have long to wait as my eyes were starting to well with tears even though I bit my lip and tried to hold it in. Why? Why me? Why did they take so effin long to get the lump out in the first place? Cows in a field get better veterinary service! I just wanted to run outside to the car and scream and bawl my eyes out for a while but I had to stay for the all important, mustn’t miss it or delay one single day, pre-op signing up. Why it could not be done on Wednesday or Thursday AFTER I have had time to adjust to the news I still have cancer and need a further operation and hospital stay?
I was called in to a nurse’s office and she sat me down and left me and closed the door saying she would be back in a minute. Hubby stayed in the waiting room so I was alone and my insides were churning and my chest was paining, and although I was trying not to cry a tear or two escaped by themselves. The nurse came back and sat down to do the all important paper work and get me to sign the forms. In my state they could have been the deeds to my house for all I knew. I just didn’t care and how making someone sign forms 15mins after hearing I still have cancer is just heartless and I doubt under such duress the forms could ever be legally binding although they do keep asking what my date of birth is to make sure I am me. I must be still sane I guess if I can quote that?
She asked me a heap of questions all of which I had just answered for the surgery the week before but obviously they wouldn’t dream of digging up the forms and using those. By now my voice was only coming out in a squeak as my throat seemed to be paralysed. She looked at me then with interest and said are you a little bit upset and offered me a box of tissues? I don’t think she had any idea I had just been given the news 20 mins earlier.
Then she asked why did I not have the form for radioactive dye to highlight the sentinel node for surgery? I said perhaps it’s because there is no breast there to inject. Obviously she didn’t notice there was only one bump on my chest. Oh! She said understanding now. When did you have the mastectomy? I said about a week ago. I was becoming defensive again as anger is the only way I can keep my head at all with such utter fools. She said I will just pop across and grab your file then from the surgeon. I said you do that.
After all the forms were filled in and I was issued another tube of sterile wash soap for the surgery day I was allowed to leave but I had to find the x-ray department in the hospital to make my own CT scan appointment. Has this mob ever heard of phones?
We finally found the place after some domestic staff said its right down there but that turned out to be the morgue. Not QUITE ready for that yet but they are working on it.
Hubby had to make the appointment for me as I was just numb and drained (pardon the pun) and could barely stand up much longer. I took a seat and left them to sort it out for this Friday coming.
We arrived home and told our sons who weren’t too pleased with the news of more surgery either. I just needed to get away and be alone and said I was going for a walk on the beach. Hubby asked did I want him to come with as did one of my sons but I said no.
I needed something else to hurt apart from my chest and my soul so I walked and I walked. Five kilometres I went before I started to feel a little at peace. I found some mangroves with shiny little fish in it which had a further calming effect.
After a while I went home. Yep 5km home too. Bad side effect and note to self don’t walk so far when you have just had surgery a week before. My hubby and son had been looking for me. One son found me and we had a nice talk on the way home which brought us closer.
I am still really peeved off but acceptance there is more to this journey has at least kicked in. Doctors and hospitals will not be on my Christmas list though!
