Forum Discussion
Life after Cancer?....define LIFE!
It's been a year since my diagnosis and all my active treatment ended in Sept 2015. But then came BRCA2, prophylactic hysterectomy, early menopause with hot flushes so bad, night sweats, sleep deprivation, cording, physio, port flush appointments….the list goes on and on...I feel like I am going to go nuts! and this week its all coming down on me so hard I feel like I can't breathe.
Life after Cancer? define LIFE! I saw my Gynae Oncologist for my post hysterectomy check last week and in my totally sleep deprived state and being an emotional mess because of the hot flushes and night sweats that has been keeping me awake for weeks I just broke down! I’m 40 years old and it feels like I am over the hill! When he asked me If I have resumed sexual intercourse I cried even harder. NO I HAVENT! Because I am scares sh*tless of it being painful since they hacked out my cervix with all my other female body parts. Because when I look in the mirror I have one chopped off breast and another one sagging, I’m fat, hot constantly to a point that I get anxious from it and tired, I don’t sleep, I get up in the middle of the night to change my clothes that are drenched from night sweats, I feel like burning up when my husband just puts his hand on my thigh at night and have to flick it off. Then the Dr comments: ‘Have you seen a psychologist at all or thought about seeing one?’ Are you kidding me?? NO I HAVENT because no one can FIX ME! No one can live our lives for us after cancer but us, and no session with a pscycologist will fix my hot flushes or give me sleep. I don’t want to cry any more than I already am crying. Where do I fit that in anyway? In between drs appointments, tests, port flush appointments, Lymph physio and WORK?
Today I am sick of cancer! I hate feeling like this. I know I should be grateful that I am alive but I am so tired and scared and don’t see how I can do this for so many years, not to even mention the fear of that monster returning and having to go through it all again! When the dr comments again he says “yes unfortunately you can’t have hormone replacement therapy because of your cancer you had, so the menopausal symptoms unfortunately will be there and we had to remove your ovaries because they were a ticking time bomb” I cried even harder. I KNOW ALL THAT!!!! I just want some relief.
So he ends up recommending I go on a type of anti-depressant that apparently is known to reduce hot flush symptoms and so my GP last week has started to transition me onto the new anti-depressants. I was so sick over the weekend from withdrawal symptoms from leaving my other meds.
My one year post diagnosis MRI is coming up at the end of the month. I dread going. If that is all clear then my 2nd mastectomy will be booked in for early March! Yay!, let’s go hack off more body parts to try and stay alive! I cry so much. I don’t really have a ques tion and I am sorry to be so negative. I am exhausted with the struggle, the cost the agony the fear. I hope and pray that soon I will be able to find some way of coping with this all.
37 Replies
I am assuming our veins. I don't have blood cancer nor lympoedema so I'd imagine it is the medication and the concern of DVT.
Is this all related to blood cancer or the risk of lymphoedema? The flying I mean?
My Oncologist has told me if I want to fly anywhere to speak with him first.
The risk is so high past 9 hours , before I fly my blood counts have to be spot on. At least I can go some where, but it's always with risk. Luck of the draw hey.
Hi ladies just a quick message, your children can access Canteen for support. There is support for children of cancer patients. It is a tough time for your children.
Hi Debbie, Oh my heart sinks when I hear about the kids not coping. My youngest tried self harming last year just after we broke my Gene Test results to them and he could no longer cope with the angst and stress. I've arranged for him to see a youth leader/counsellor at our church and it did him the world of good. He is in a much better headspace now.
All the best with your recovery Debbie and thank you for taking time out to respond to me. I feel so loved and accepted by complete strangers like you xxx
Hi NE, I so hear you. My rads finished last week of November after chemo and bilateral mastectomy. I'm not a crybaby or prone to crying in front of strangers but when a lovely physio asked me how I was I just lost it. Needless to say I am now seeing a counsellor, frustrated about work not letting me come back on reduced hours, oldest teenager self-harming, lack of intimacy etc etc. It all just gets to a point where you can't deal with everything at once. If you need to vent, go right ahead. Writing/typing how you are feeling is also cathartic and I find helps to clarify any underlying issues not related to my now testosterone filled body.
Happy thoughts to you
xxx Debbie
Hi Ne,
I wish there was an exact answer for you.....I wish I could wave a magical wand and make it all better for you, but I can't...no body can. I know I am too wondering how too move on from all this crap and make sense of it all?
There was one thing I really noticed about your profile picture and that was your beautiful smile. Even that may be a bit lost at the moment but that has not been taken away....it is still there and WILL light up your face again. Sending you the biggest hugs,
Wendy
I have been on a full dose of Efexor for about 2 weeks now. I no longer have the urge to push peoples faces in (I was homocidal not suicidal lol) I'm no where near as anxious as I was so I think it has started to kick in. Thank goodness. I'm so glad you have changed your mind about the counselling. I think you will be surprised. Just to hear that what you are experiencing is normal and no you aren't going crazy makes a difference. I'm glad about the sleep too. Everything is easier when you've had a decent sleep. I'm sure you will be starting to feel a bit better in yourself soon. Karen xox
Hi Ne
I am pleased to see you are in a better place today after reading your responses to us all. I am also pleased you are going to see a Counsellor. Don't feel bad for venting as it is better out than in and I am sure the Counsellor will give you some coping mechanisms.
If you're on the road to fixing the sleep deprivation then next time you see that specialist that asks about whether your girlie bits are operational again you will be able to smile and say yes! Goodness nothing is private when you see these people is it?
Take care, enjoy the sunshine and nurture yourself back to good health and find time for something for yourself, even if it is as simple as painting your nails, going for a swim or baking something that your daughter loves........it is the simple things in life that give us pleasure particularly as we travel these crooked miles that the BC journey puts us all on. Zoladex injections always make me feel crappy for a couple of days. Today I have made 3 covered coat-hangers - I am a member of our local CWA group and we always do something for the ladies at the local Nursing Home for Mothers Day. Whilst I am busy making these my mind is only on the coat-hangers and the pleasure I know the ladies get from hanging their clothes on them. As I say it is the simple things.
Take care
Christine xx
