Life after Cancer?....define LIFE!
It's been a year since my diagnosis and all my active treatment ended in Sept 2015. But then came BRCA2, prophylactic hysterectomy, early menopause with hot flushes so bad, night sweats, sleep deprivation, cording, physio, port flush appointments….the list goes on and on...I feel like I am going to go nuts! and this week its all coming down on me so hard I feel like I can't breathe.
Life after Cancer? define LIFE! I saw my Gynae Oncologist for my post hysterectomy check last week and in my totally sleep deprived state and being an emotional mess because of the hot flushes and night sweats that has been keeping me awake for weeks I just broke down! I’m 40 years old and it feels like I am over the hill! When he asked me If I have resumed sexual intercourse I cried even harder. NO I HAVENT! Because I am scares sh*tless of it being painful since they hacked out my cervix with all my other female body parts. Because when I look in the mirror I have one chopped off breast and another one sagging, I’m fat, hot constantly to a point that I get anxious from it and tired, I don’t sleep, I get up in the middle of the night to change my clothes that are drenched from night sweats, I feel like burning up when my husband just puts his hand on my thigh at night and have to flick it off. Then the Dr comments: ‘Have you seen a psychologist at all or thought about seeing one?’ Are you kidding me?? NO I HAVENT because no one can FIX ME! No one can live our lives for us after cancer but us, and no session with a pscycologist will fix my hot flushes or give me sleep. I don’t want to cry any more than I already am crying. Where do I fit that in anyway? In between drs appointments, tests, port flush appointments, Lymph physio and WORK?
Today I am sick of cancer! I hate feeling like this. I know I should be grateful that I am alive but I am so tired and scared and don’t see how I can do this for so many years, not to even mention the fear of that monster returning and having to go through it all again! When the dr comments again he says “yes unfortunately you can’t have hormone replacement therapy because of your cancer you had, so the menopausal symptoms unfortunately will be there and we had to remove your ovaries because they were a ticking time bomb” I cried even harder. I KNOW ALL THAT!!!! I just want some relief.
So he ends up recommending I go on a type of anti-depressant that apparently is known to reduce hot flush symptoms and so my GP last week has started to transition me onto the new anti-depressants. I was so sick over the weekend from withdrawal symptoms from leaving my other meds.
My one year post diagnosis MRI is coming up at the end of the month. I dread going. If that is all clear then my 2nd mastectomy will be booked in for early March! Yay!, let’s go hack off more body parts to try and stay alive! I cry so much. I don’t really have a ques tion and I am sorry to be so negative. I am exhausted with the struggle, the cost the agony the fear. I hope and pray that soon I will be able to find some way of coping with this all.
