Forum Discussion
Just being honest
This week was my callback to have core biopsy done on the lump - a week or so after an FNA diagnosed cancer there. I struggled with anxiety around this one. I understand why they were doing it, but my fear would not be shaken off. I was physically wracked with terror. I'm realising that though this is all happening really quickly, I'm distracted from the reality of a cancer diagnosis and getting on with things in between these appointments. Even when I take a moment for myself and 'check in' I'm still essentially numb and in the fog everyone talks about here. But when I'm lying on a table with nurses around me and my boob is out and sharp things are getting stuck into it - I can't hide from that. Suddenly it is all VERY VERY REAL. Everyone is very professional and calm and genuinely wonderful - but it fills me with terror. Pathologists and nurses and receptionists are usually quite matter-of-fact in my experience. But now they are all soft and encouraging and calling me sweetheart - is it just me? Maybe I'm walking around with a terrified look on my face? Can they see me trembling?
I'm a single mum and I need to be functional at home - I'm honest with them about how I'm feeling but at the end of the day kids need a lift and they want to spend time with their friends - and so they should! Some days the fact that they need to go for a drive to keep their learner hours up stops me from rolling up in a ball and never coming out.
As I'm writing this I'm realising I will need to go ask for some counselling or find a support group for some face to face. I don't have many close friends and have been single a long time, and my parents are a bit frail to be hearing all about how terrified I really am. I know how these things can cause people to isolate themselves further and I don't want to do that. I work with some great people and I don't want to withdraw from them because I can't trust myself to compartmentalise my feelings. I've just started my career in the past 18 months and I really want to try my best to keep a toe in there til I'm well enough again to go back. I'm trying not to put too much pressure on myself but I know I'm struggling with this because I've lead the way for many years now.
I'm so glad there are phone lines to call and groups to attend and volunteers to speak with and BC nurses to talk to and that this community is here and that I can blog everything I want to if it helps. I'm grateful for the effort you make to connect here.
So for now I wait for the results of the core biopsy to find out the type and stage of the cancer, while I hug my bruised boob. Of course I'm terrified! Who wouldn't be?
12 Replies
thanks Jenny, you're right, of course. One step at a time is the only way I can go.
Hi Keiley
I can't imagine what it would be like to have the responsibilities you have AND to be dealing with a cancer diagnosis. However I do know that you need to start putting yourself first in line for some TLC. This doesn't mean the kids need to walk every step of your anxiety with you but it doesn't hurt to involve them more in helping the family in general. Perhaps a roster for cooking and washing (I found help needed with hanging out the clothes).
Maybe your GP could help with finding a low cost counsellor for you to at least have someone to whom to express your fears on a regular basis.
You seem to be doing remarkably well with what you have going on in your life. But someone else on this network told me to be kind to myself and I think it good advice. Best wishes,Jenny
Thanks Brenda, some good ideas here. I will ask.
Thank you! Good to know we are all here.
thanks Karen! I do feel very much like you described, it really helps for someone to say 'yep, I felt like that too'.
I'm working on asking for help.
thanks Christine, I will ask about the programme you mentioned - I'm in Qld on the gold coast.
thanks Susan, thank you for giving me some of your story - that helps a lot.
Hi Keiley,
You sound like you know all the things you can do to ease your mindset. You have every reason to feel the way you do. The first month is just full of uncertainty and information overload.
At this stage it is important to remember a few things.
1) It could be warly stage or DCIS.
2) Treatment for cancer has come a long way.
3) Everybody is different. While I'm sure you've heard the worst stories and the list of possible side effects, you won't necessarily suffer all of these.
Is like to share with you my experience as briefly as possible. I was diagnosed stage IIb invasive ductal carcinoma. Everything was quite swift from there. Saw a surgeon within a week and operated on a week after that. The tumour was 2.17cm across and completely removed. Spots were found in one of 2 nodes taken out for sentinel node biopsy. Because I'm only 33 i have undergone a/c and taxol chemotherapy for 12 weeks each. I had a port inserted for this and gery glad I did as my veins began getting sore after the 3rd treatment.
I've maintained a very normal life throughout treatment so far. Apart from loosing my hair (so many fun options if you want to cover up) , some bowel issues and very minor nausea and fatigue I've suffered no side effects. I've continued working almost full time through everything, but as I have a physical job I'm on admin duties. My partner even forgets I'm sick. I found the best way to get over the initial fear was to research heaps, and talk to everyone who'd listen. I actually began that phase by breaking down to a manager at work.
So there are some scary things and I encourage you to talk when you need it. Use this forum as much as you need :) Good luck with it all, stay strong!
- Susan.
Hi Keiley - by the sound of your post you are on your way to sorting out what you need to do; counselling will help you put strategies in place to cope.
http://www.cancer.org.au/about-cancer/patient-support/131120.html
As to the kids driving lessons in our local area there is a programme:
"...L2P is a community based volunteer program providing young learner drivers with equal access to driving experience and instruction to help them obtain their Probationary Licence.
The program receives some much appreciated support from VicRoads..."
Not sure of your locale but I am sure there is something in your area to help.
Wishing you all the best and hopefully your journey will not have too many crooked miles in it.
Take care
Christine xx
Hi there,
like you, I tried to keep everything as normal as possible during my 16 months of treatment. I continued to work partime throughout my treatment (I wonder now how I managed to do that). If I was going to fall apart, it was going to be during hospital visits because I couldn't pretend that everything was ok. I always felt like I was being slapped in the face and found my appointments very confronting. I would suggest that you make sure that you have someone with you at appointments if possible. I didn't feel sick but everything was so serious at these appointments. Omg I had cancer!!!
As far as the kids driving, you may not be up to it during treatments so perhaps contact the council to see if they have a volunteer program to help kids get their hours up. I know our council does this. You will need to draw on those around you for help. Ask other parents if they would mind taking or picking up the kids if you aren't up to it. Don't be afraid to ask or accept help. Goodness knows, if you can't ask for help when you are fighting cancer, then when can you? It is scary but you will get through this. Hang in there. Karen xox
