Forum Discussion
insensitive responses
Hi all
I am not sure if I am being overly critical of others due to my own heightened emotional state, but I have had some poor responses from other people when I have spoken to them recently since my diagnosis last month. It started with my GP. The SA Breast screen people did all the testing and I was asked to either come back in a week to hear the results or go to my GP. I chose the GP. After a week of waiting to hear if I had cancer or not I sit down in the GP's office and she said "you know, don't you". I said "no I am still waiting." She then gives a big sigh and said "oh so I am suppose to tell you" and acted as if it was the last thing she wanted to do and that she felt put out. I was not impressed to say the least. I can see her point of view as no one wants to tell someone they have cancer, but I also thought she was very insensitive.
Last week after they found more cancer in a lymph node, I called 2 close family members and 1 person knew I was having a biopsy that morning and they all know about my diagnosis, This person also acted put out when I called them and immediately asks me to call back in 30 mins as she "was speaking to a friend in her home" so was too busy to take my call. She knew I was furious as my tone changed , so she quickly back tracked and then reluctantly agreed to stay on the line. Another person I called later that day was in meeting at the church as a volunteer and also told me they "couldn't speak to me right now." Jeeze it is not as if these people are running the country or sitting at the UN table preventing a nuclear war. Other responses from others that have really annoyed me have been "you will be fine" and "try to be positive".
I even called Beyond Blue one time and the female mental health worker responded to me as if I may have had a histrionic personality disorder who has multiple crisis's at the drop of a hat. ( I don't) I have only ever called them twice in my whole life.
Sorry just had to vent.
Narelle
21 Replies
Thanks Eileen
Hi Sue
I have joined a local breast cancer group and will try to attend my first meeting when the dust settles a bit. So far the best support I have received have been 2 lovely women at work who went through all this 8 yrs and 4 yrs ago. The breast nurses have also been brilliant.
My siblings have basically said to me "mum was fine, you will be fine" and they change the subject. Mum was diagnosed 8 yrs ago and had a lumpectomy and radio Her experience has already been very different to mine so they shouldn't compare us and besides Mum also tends to minimize everything ( probably to protect us) so a lot of the family were kept in the dark. She is also of the older generation ( and mind set) where you don't ask your doctors any questions and she told me she also didn't want to know. I am the opposite I want to know everything and I am very open about my diagnosis and experiences.
Hi Narelle I am sorry to hear about the negative reactions it's bad enough having to put up with all the waiting for results & treatments.
Your comments of your Dr brings to my mind when I saw mine after the mastectomy, I said would you like to look & see how the scar is healing, her reply was oh no as though she was afraid of looking & screwed her nose up. My reply to that as I took my shirt off was I'd rather you did, when I told hubby he said maybe it's time for a new DR.
Wishing you well with your treatment & remember we are here for you.
Sending a big hug.
Eileen xx
I think there would be lots of women on this site who have experienced exactly what you are talking about. It is easy to feel lonely in this fight. People would rather run a mile than deal with it.
I found that soon after the initial sympathy and support no-one wanted to know about it. I got the usual platitudes: "Stiff upper lip luv! You'll be right! Stay positive! Do everything you are told! No-one dies of this disease these days!" I was made feel as if it was much ado about nothing and I should stop making such a big deal of it! I was once told by my sister that my cancer was the elephant in the room!!! My best advice to you is find that one person who is your "cheer squad". Find other ladies in your area who are going through the same thing and arrange to meet for morning tea so you can connect with someone who truly understands what you are going through. I hope this helps. Suex
Hi Narelle
I am shocked at the GPs & Beyond Blues response. Hopefully your friends & family come around and support you. I decided to only tell people when I was going to catch up with them so they were not shocked by my appearance (I started treatment with chemo), and I did this by text message. This gave them a chance to 'deal with it/come to terms with it' and hopefully be as normal as possible around me. I didn't have the emotional strength to deal with their issues with my diagnosis. Good luck, and thinking of you, Kirsty
Thanks everyone
For all your warm words. I can hear that you all get it, which helps enormously during this difficult time.
Hi! What you are experiencing with family and friends is not unusual as you read through posts on here. They are all in their own world, don't want to acknowledge your condition as they haven't digested the information themselves; just thoughtless! Don't take it to heart as it doesn't help you to come to terms with where you are at when you are worrying about others! Time for you now.
You have this forum with all the info on it as well as groups that are suitable for you.
http://www.cancer.org.au/about-cancer/patient-support/
There is a phone number which you may find useful on the link above.
Good luck with treatment, Take Care
Christine xx
Hi Narelle
I do believe that some people just do not know what to say but I also believe that people show their true colours in times of crisis. You will know for sure who your real friends are. I am very lucky to be surrounded by wonderful friends and family but have one experience to share if it helps...
About 30 minutes after hearing that Drs were recommending the dreaded chemo I was greeted by a certain person with "Hey, it's the chemo kid"! ????. Needless to say, I did not find it funny!
Anyway, stay positive and stay surround by those that lift you up, not drag you down. Sending positive vibes your way. X
Hi Narelle
You have had some really bad experiences there and,no, you are not being emotional in hoping for some more support and understanding from the people around you. It is a pretty emotional time and the least people around you can do is give their time to listen and add their emotional support. Keep using this forum .. we all understand what you are going through. I didn't start using the forum until this month (a year after my surgeries) and I was feeling very low about the lack of emotional support from my family. It was an enormous help to have responses from the forum.
I am astounded at the response you got from Beyond Blue and as for your doctor.........perhaps she needs another career!
I hope you are feeling better but don't worry about people who cannot offer you the emotional support you need. Let them know they are not being helpful at a time when you need their support and move on to talking to those who will give it freely. I also think counselling is a good idea. It just gives you someone to talk to on a regulsr basis. Of course, you need to find the right one as well. They are not all equal as you found with your doctor. (Who,in my opinion,should have called you in for the appointment as soon as she got your results and not made you wait a week.).
Best of luck, Jenny
It's really hard when those close to you let you down. I have 4 siblings all of whom didn't visit me while going through treatment. In fact have really only seen one since my diagnosis a year ago. Now that treatment has finished I was told by stepfather to get on with it! One day at a time helped me. Thinking of you. Johnann
