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Heidstar12's avatar
Heidstar12
Member
14 years ago

I'd like to wake up now...

Hello, my name is Heidstar and I have Breast Cancer:

Diagnosed 20 February...surgery (lumpectomy & sentinel node biopsy) 8 March. Lymph clear, margins not. Scheduled for mastectomy & reconstruction (implant) 19 March. That's the bad dream...I'm ready to wake up now.

My head says "you'll be fine, stay strong, stay positive, good things will come of this, you are resilient, you have people who care and love you.." yadda yadda yadda. My heart says "STOP! I want to get off!"."This isn't happening!"."this only happens to other people!".

Slowly I am beginning to realise that I am "other people" and that no amount of denial or self-delusion will change the cold, hard, scientific fact that I have a serious disease called breast cancer. I am special yet like so others here and elsewhere in "BC Land" I am just one of many.

And other contradictions apply here: I'm  told to  be positive when all I see is dark black clouds billowing threateningly before me, encouraged to be strong as every part of my body just wants to sleep until the nightmare is over, advised that this is not a death sentence (so why don't we rename BC something less malevolent like 'breast disease"), told that things will get better as I howl into my husbands shoulder in sheer terror.

In this time of uncertainty and impotence my heart rules as my mind tries to gain a stranglehold on reality. Yes, I'm sure I'll experience what so many before me have in terms of getting through this with strength and even end up in a better place than I started. But I'm not ready for that just yet. I think I need to process the enormity of my emotions first ...before I take the next step towards acceptance and growth as so many of you have before me.

You posts are inspirational and act as a beacon to guide those of us who suddenly find ourselves in a thick soupy fog. Thankyou.

Fingers crossed this next surgery holds no new surprises...and that the reconstruction doesn't freak me out too much (not until now did I realise I cared quite so much about my body image!)

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  • Heidstar12's avatar
    Heidstar12
    Member
    14 years ago

    Thanks Chris

    Amazing how helpful stories like yours are for a 'newbie' like me...to put things in perspective more than anything else. I am quite concerned about the assymetry (my healthy breast is totic i.e. droopy). But that's minor I guess. The surgeon is going to try to save my nipple....I see the plastic surgeon this afternoon before my op on Monday so not sure what his thoughts on the matter might be :)

    5 haircuts already! Nice work. My sister-in-law's hair went curly too....lasted about 6 months before it went straight again...so there is hope ;)

    Can I ask why you had a second mastectomy?

    Thanks again for your encouragement. and best wishes

    Heidixxx

  • Chris's avatar
    Chris
    Member
    14 years ago
    Hi Heidistar,welcome to this site, and I hope we can give you support and information when you need it. I am coming out the other side now, having almost reached 12 months since finishing chemo. Today I am going to the hairdresser for my 5th haircut after losing my hair last year. It does grow back, and very cury in my case, but I am told to expect it to become straight again in the next 12 months. I also have had reconstruction with implants, and I am very happy with the results. I decided to have a second mastectomy before my reconstruction, and so I now have 2 new boobs both the same size. I am back to being a 14B which is where I was before breast cancer. I haven't had nipples put on yet, and may not ever bother. This seemed important before I had the reconstruction. Now that it is completed, I'm not so concerned about it. I look normal in clothing, and have my cleavage back, which makes me feel happy, not that I show it off. It just looks better in a T shirt or jumper or dress. Good luck with your surgery and any treatment you may require. We will be thinking of you. Love Chris xx