Hi Paulan
I think everyone must be questioning everything all the time.
I know I am. I am kind of in a same boat as you. Had surgery 9 days ago and got results yesterday with my type of cancer being the really crappy one (ie type/grade 3) and even though node came out clear and margin was technically clear they did find a 2nd tiny tumor in the margin so regardless of the clear node I cannot rule out there are other tumors someplace inside of me.
Surgeon's words were standard approach with my type of cancer would be heavy duty chemo, then radiation followed by 'hormone' tablets... BUT since I am allergic to everything on the planet, have rubbish liver (congenital problem) and 2 small cerebral aneyrisams they may skip chemo and just do radiation and hormone supressing tablets.
They are having their 'panel' meeting to discuss me next week where they will decide how they want to proceed and I already know that regardless of what they come back with I will 2nd guessing it.
I feel I am in that "damned if I do and damned if I don't" position. If they do not give me chemo or (as the breast care nurse worded it) they go with with a "light version" of chemo I will be wondering what else I am growing in my body as the damn cancer they yanked out was 2.5cm and so close to the surface that i know it had gone from invisible to that size in well under 8 months so the mere thought of more tiny cancer spots like the one they found by accident in the margin will have me dreading the future.
Along the same lines - if they come back with "go Chemo" approach I will be worried that I may not make it through it seeing they are already scared chemo may kill me before any cancer could.
All in all it sucks. I guess it helps to talk to others about it and I sure am talking to everyone in that circle who will bear to listen to me and am asking them for their opinions and why they feel that way.
It was really good to listen to the view of the breast care nurse after I had spoken with the surgeon and I plan to see my gyno next week (to see what he thinks - fortunately for me he too is on that panel so will have 1st hand experience and exposure to all.of their views and my situation). Also planning to speak to my immunologist after I speak with the Oncolgist before I make any final decisions.
I guess that is all we can do - go arround and ask everyone who is qualified to provide any input on this topic and ask them why they feel that way and why it is that they do not feel 'the other way'.
As my Gyno had put it to me when I told him of my diagnosis (I saw him before seeing a surgeon as wanted his take on the surgeon that was recommended to me) it is the job of everyone on that panel to give us the best chance for the longest life they can give us. His role on the panel at this hospital is to represent 'the quality of life' aspect and he had assured me that in all the discussipns absolutely everyone on it is 100% committed to give us the best possible outcome and the best health they can while placing us at most managable risk (as eisk unfortunately is inavoidable). I did find that reassuring and seeing how genuine and committed he was while speaking of the process.
Having said that - I surely will be making appointments to speak with a few of those professionals so that I can ask directly what their take was and how they wanted to proceed as well as eacctly why they chose that option and what they would do in my shoes as well as the risks of going the other way.
I reckon every single one of us has to be a Champion for her self - ultimately we hold our lives in our hands and as maddening as it may be to be second-guessing ourselves at least when we do it we know that we are covering all the alternatives and getting all the information. And it is only if we have complete information that we can make an informed decision.
Please go back and ask for 2nd and 3rd opinion if you are still doubting the choices made and I will keep my fingers crossed for you and hope it all works out for the best for you.
