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gen_evievy's avatar
gen_evievy
Member
11 years ago

Hanging in there...just :)

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the long pause between updates and my total slackness in responding to all the lovely messages that I've received - it's been a rough few weeks!

The good news is that last week I had my second-last round of taxotere/dexmethasone so even though I still have one more to get through I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

As I mentioned in my previous post - the Taxotere has been very hard on me, in many ways a lot harder than the AC which at the time I truly would never have imagined. My oncologist tells me that I've been especially unlucky and have pretty much been hit with every possible horrendous side effect in a major way. But, now that I've nearly survived three lots of it we pretty much have it tweaked and the last one should be managed a bit better.  The fatigue and the bone pain is a big thing with me so we've been managing that by tapering of the Dexmethasone gradually over a week or so and then starting on some serious painkillers - unfortunately OxyContin is the only thing that takes the edge off for me but at least I'm a bit more comfortable for a few days. 

There are of course all sorts of happy side effects with these measures as well - my appetite is out of control which is not just affecting my waistline but sucks even more because nothing at all tastes good so there's absolutly no joy in the eating - my taste buds seem to literally bite the dust about 3 days into each cycle and nothing tastes good until I start the Dexmethasone again the day before my next chemo. 

The insomnia is a killer, although my pain meds this time around are giving me some relief there which is good - apart from the constipation obviously so I'm also taking laxatives to keep everything moving which is just delightful. 

The sleep thing is a big deal.  In my second round of Taxotere I didn't have the right painkillers yet but my oncologist had kept me on the Dexmethasone so I was barely sleeping 2 hours a night over the course of the 3 weeks and I couldn't make it up during the day either so I was just a zombie mess that relocated from the bed back to the couch again and cried about everything.

I got a bit depressed I think, and it wasn't until I started taking the Dexmethasone for this next cycle that I started to pick up a bit. 

This time, because I've managed to get a bit more sleep (thanks highly addictive painkillers) it's made a massive impact on how I'm coping mentally and emotionally with this cycle. 

The fatigue and the pain and the disgusting mouth and the painful fingernails my toenails actually falling off and ridiculous appetite and all of the other crap that goes along with Taxotere is still there, but I definitely feel able to cope with it a bit better this time.  I really do put it down to more actual rest and sleep rather than being on the tail end of the chemo. 

I know it doesn't make sense but I have so much anxiety connected to the fact that I still have one more treatment to get through.  My once-good arm vein that could be used for the chemo needle officially gave it up two treatments ago so just getting the needle into my hand is a very painful and stressful experience for me, there's always tears and I'm left feeling pretty battered and bruised for a week or so after.  Just the thought of how I'm going to feel after my body has been filled with this poison (even though I know in my head that it's killing the cancer) is enough to make me cry and feel like I just cannot do it again.  Not even one more time.

So, the silver lining for me today is that I'm hanging in there.  It's not over yet - I stll have one more Taxotere and then Radiation to get through - but thanks to some sleep and the right medication I finally feel like maybe I'm going to actually get through it. 

I'll be fat and bald at the end, but I will have survived it - hopefully at least with my sense of humour intact :)

coping
  • mgndam1603's avatar
    mgndam1603
    Member
    11 years ago

    Reading your pst could almost have been me during my treatment. Though I had the opposite to your constipation problem. Its tough and it does get scary on the meds and coping with the pain and knowing there is more to come but the last is made easier because you know its the last.

    My onc cut my dex right down and that was a real healp with the sleep situation, I just could not cope with the dex at all.

    Fingers crossed for you that the last isn't too hard.

    Senmding you hugs

    Donna 

  • Deanne's avatar
    Deanne
    Member
    11 years ago
    It is so tough knowing that you have to go through something that is going to cause you such pain and going to make you feel so awful. They told me that people either 'sail through' this drug or like you (and Hazel and me) have lots of side effects. People kept saying things like 'nearly there' and expecting me to feel happy about this (and in the back of my mind somewhere I guess I did) BUT they just did not understand how worn out I was and how much energy this drug took to handle. But I did feel relief when I walked out of that last chemo session and knew that I did not ever have to have that drug again. It did help to know that each day after that I was a day closer to truly getting over this. My taste buds would come back and stay back. My body could start to function and recover without that drug destroying it anymore. And I did think that if anything was going to get rid of the cancer then it should surely be this drug! We know how incredibly strong you are to get through this. Believe me you will feel like you can do anything after this! I have lost the weight that this drug added to my unwilling body and am fit and healthy again. You will be able to do this too! Keep hanging in there. Deanne xxx