Flat and deflated; decisions to be made!
It is now Thursday November 12 and I am feeling rather nervous about visiting the surgeon today to get my results. With lots of positive thoughts, praying, all digits and limbs crossed we arrive at the surgeon’s office and wait for about 30 minutes. The nerves have really kicked into top gear now as we enter Dr Yeow’s office. She was polite and happy as always to see us and asked how I was going. I told her that I was going well and slowly building up my strength and increasing the walking, at 1.5 km now, and about the pains that I get. That was all good. Then she started going through the results: All the cancer was removed, 3 cm in size which is 8 mm bigger then what was originally identified. There was a clear margin all around but only by 0.5 cm on one side. The lymph nodes came back negative, I let out a huge sigh! Dr Yeow continued and I could just sense that there was a ‘but’ coming. Sure enough there was! “In their further analysis of the removed section, however, they found three microscopic cancers, 2 x 1 mm and 1 x 3 mm.” My heart sank. She continued on to say that; “We cannot guarantee that there are no other microscopic cancers in the rest of the breast as they are too small to pick up through any scranning. I can get you back into surgery tomorrow and remove more of your breast or you can choose to have a mastectomy which can be done at a later date.” I just lost it, again! Tim asked more questions while I pulled myself back together, sort of listening at the same time. Tim asked if we had to make the decision now or later, Dr Yeow, unfortunately, said now. Upon more discussions and thinking, I made the decision to have a mastectomy, simply because I just wanted the cancer gone and by taking the other option it could possibly only just simply delay the inevitable if they keep finding more cancers. Dr Yeow then went through what would happen with the mastectomy. I asked if I could have reconstruction done straight away and she said yes. She went through the various options, the latissimus dorsal (back flap) option was ruled out because I don’t have enough fat there, funny in a way. So, I can go with either the implant, requiring two operations and many visits to see her to get the implant inflated, or the TRAM flap (tummy tuck) option. With the TRAM flap option I am not sure which of the two methods she would go with, pedicle or free, but she did say that it would take about six hours to perform and she would require a plastic surgeon to work alongside her. Then came the next bit of bad/unexpected news: “Before we make any decisions about the mastectomy, I want you to go and see an oncologist to find out if you will require chemotherapy or not. The chemo would need to be done first and then the mastectomy with reconstruction if that was the decision that Dr Daphne Tsoi made.” Why I ask. ‘Because your cancer was 3 cm, bigger then we initially thought,’ I was informed. I found this confusing and even after it was explained to me again I still don’t really get it. Tim said to me later on that it is like extra insurance to make sure that there is nothing left, no cancer cells in your body. Finally, she removed my dressings from the surgery incisions and was happy with how they were looking. As we finished off the consultation said our goodbyes, Dr Yeow acknowledged that she was pleased with the decision that I made about having a mastectomy. I said thanks, but it didn’t make me feel any better at the time. We will see Dr Yeow in two weeks to discuss things further. We both walked out of the medical centre feeling very flat and deflated. I sobbed all the way home, Tim asked me to talk to him but I just couldn’t. He put me to bed to rest, I didn’t sleep as you can imagine.
We talked that night over a glass of wine which helped but I couldn’t talk to anyone else, not even family, Tim compiled a message and sent it through to everyone. You’ve got to love it when your family and friends respect your wishes. My BFF did call Tim and organised to come down the next day and take me out to lunch. The wind has well and truly been knocked out of our sails, especially in regards to us moving overseas. No decisions have been made there yet, these are just our current feelings. I did, however, say to Tim that night that I definitely still need a goal to look forward too even if it is not the UAE. He replied; “I know, I know and we will!’ I didn’t need to say anything else. My BFF spent the next day with me and took me to one of my favourite wineries nearby for a beautiful lunch. Even Tim worked a bit from home and had lunch and drinks with his work colleagues and friends which was good. I spoke to my BC nurse that afternoon and she told me to focus on the oncology before worrying about the mastectomy. Tim as also said something along the same lines. I am so glad that one of us can think straight and logically because I can’t. My head is a mess, full of emotion, anger, worry, etc. With the possibility of having chemo and losing my hair is also hanging over my head and stressing me out to the hilt. I have started reading the book that was given to us by Dr Yeow about mastectomies and the reconstructions options available to me. I am 168 cm tall and weigh 71 kg. I do have excess fat in the stomach area and she said that there is enough for one breast but I don’t know what size reconstructed breast she would be talking about. I am well endowed, an E cup size on the left boob and the right would now be at least a cup size smaller but it is not really noticeable when I’m wearing a bra and top or dress. So now I would really like to start seeking some feedback or talk to people who have had a mastectomy with reconstructive surgery done so that I/we can become more informed when it comes to making the final decision. I’m scared shitless to say the least about the whole thing and I hate having to make decisions when I’m so unprepared for it in more ways than one can imagine.
