Forum Discussion
DONE AND DUSTED
I'm clear of cancer... how can anyone say that.
I finished rads only 2 days ago, had a CT scan yesterday and today was told I'm cured.
Arimidex for the next how many years and life goes on.
But it won't be my old life that I loved so much.
What if I don't like my new life.
What if I don't like the renovated version of me.
Why do I feel so ungrateful.
Why can't I stop crying.
Where's the sense of relief.
(no question marks needed for rhetoric)
I feel impaled after radiation. My nerve endings are on high alert. At least after chemo I felt numb.
My chest burns and my joints ache and I want my mother (who's been dead for 10 years).
I don't want to tell anyone yet because I'm not ready to be joyous.
Tonight I feel like a brat who doesn't appreciate anything.
I finished rads only 2 days ago, had a CT scan yesterday and today was told I'm cured.
Arimidex for the next how many years and life goes on.
But it won't be my old life that I loved so much.
What if I don't like my new life.
What if I don't like the renovated version of me.
Why do I feel so ungrateful.
Why can't I stop crying.
Where's the sense of relief.
(no question marks needed for rhetoric)
I feel impaled after radiation. My nerve endings are on high alert. At least after chemo I felt numb.
My chest burns and my joints ache and I want my mother (who's been dead for 10 years).
I don't want to tell anyone yet because I'm not ready to be joyous.
Tonight I feel like a brat who doesn't appreciate anything.
21 Replies
- Dear @PatsyN, Thanks for your post. It is a heart felt poem. That is good you live by the beach. Calm weather, rough weather, high or low tide, morning, noon or night - always beautiful and awesome! I live in Western NSW, but when I can't sleep I think about being by the sea with just sand, ocean and sky. And I miss my mother too. Best wishes from jennyss
- Thank you everyone, again, for cheering me up.
My plan is to sit here at home, by the beach, listening to the sea, on my own for as long as I can get away with it, lol.
I'll think about what I really want out of life whilst under the influence of a few painkillers.
I shall carefully put my StrataXRT onto my ghastly looking chest.
And then it will be cuddles with the horse who I'm placing all my faith in to rejuvenate me.
The dog is so over it! - You may be cured but you are not healed. Now, perhaps more than ever, you need a quiet place where you can stop agitating your brain with the endless what ifs that cancer brings and let things just be for a little while. The new you may be remarkably like the old you! But the old you didn't happen overnight either. Cry by all means, transitions often need tears. But your body needs to heal before your mind can start to grow again. Be relieved, joy may come but not yet. None of us is patient at this time easily (if at all!). But a short time of peace, battle over, recover may help in the short term. Best wishes.
- For me the end of active treatment was the hard bit as I was no longer too busy to think.I became very low and afraid - emotions I had kept in check for months to get thru it all. Tbh I felt my life was over . One day I rang the Cancer Council in despair and they arranged Cancer Connect for me - within 3 days a lovely Irish lady who had had my cancer some years ago rang me from Queensland and it was a turning point for me.I could hear the life in her voice and I knew it would be ok and my life had not ended.We talked for an hour and she rang back a month later to check how I was.It gave me enough of a boost to start looking outside of my self .
I joined this blog blog initially reading posts only but soon contributing and asking questions as I had support from many kind people who understood where I was at and didn’t judge or walk away.I stay on this blog to try and reciprocate a little of what others have done for me.
I joined a local support group - the best part of which for me is seeing these women out and about in my community living their lives - shopping , having a coffee etc. I also learned from one remarkable lady that a daily one hour walk would be very helpful to how I felt as well as my physical health and to this day I do so. Some days it is not easy as I too am on aromatase inhibitors and they cause joint pain but I find I can walk thru it .I really notice the difference if I occasionally miss a walk.
I also joined a gentle Stretch and Balance class I attend twice per week - many women do yoga or Pilates which is something my surgeon supports .
The YWCA runs an Encore program of hydrotherapy- 8 weeks for 2 hours per week and includes a weekly talk on topics of interest like the Otis foundation , lymphoedema treatment , breast reconstruction , bras and prostheses etc. NSW has an extensive program unlike other states. It also enabled me to meet other breast cancer people who were at varying stages in treatment.
My life is no longer dominated by my breast cancer and in fact it may have added a new dimension to my life which has not been entirely bad. I have met new people and learnt a lot.Life is still good in my opinion. Thanks @arpie I did commit to that a while ago and got about 40000 words together. Then I got some people to do a read through--that was discouraging.
It would seem that we are supposed to 'fight' (hate that term) but we should be nice while we are doing it which is beyond my capabilities for the most part. Perhaps don't be so blunt. It's not very cheerful. Don't you think you should be encouraging people to be positive, hopeful etc etc? Perhaps you should not admit to still drinking a bit of wine/sneaking the occasional cigarette/really liking pain killers? Not everyone is going to get your sense of humour. You sound really combative, do you think it's a good idea to tell people to sack their medical team if they don't like or trust them, tell their families to piss off ....blah, blah, blah.
The thing that really pulled me up was a contact of mine who works in media who gave me a rather disturbing talk about how publically 'owning' some of my not so conventional attitudes might play out in the internet of things. Am I prepared to be trolled? Told my habits and philosophy are probably to blame for my condition? Dunno that worries me too much, but you have to consider what the consequences might be.
I did get positive feedback from the like-minded, but also deliberately canvassed a couple of people who are as different from me as it's possible to be, just to see what the reactions would be like.
- Ditto to all the comments above .... It took me a while to accept the different me.... Be gentle with yourself we go through this huge rollercoaster of tests/treatments/ and then nothing it is normal to feel like this ....
Gentle hugs - So happy for you @PatsyN,
Isn't it weird how we get to the end and don't know how to feel? We know how others think we should feel yet it doesn't happen that way.. I guess maybe it's from having such a focus the whole way through treatment. The anxiety of the unknown with each part of treatment, how will you body and brain react? Just get through the surgery, just get through the chemo, just get through the rads, just get to the END. Like there are all these goal posts to get to throughout and you tick them off one by one and get ready for the next one. You stay strong, you stay focused and you just keep going one foot after the other. Then wham, treatment is over, scans are good, thanks for coming and we'll see you in three months. Flatline....................what now?
Mental exhaustion takes over, there are no goal posts to chase and you just have to feel how you feel, not how you think you should. Do whatever it takes. It's time to get all that stuff out.
You fought a war and won. It doesn't mean you wont be scarred and battle weary.
All the best lovely, hope you feel better soon. xoxoxox. - Hey @Zoffiel .... have you ever thought of putting a bunch of your comments together in a 'How To Get Over BC & it's Effects" booklet? I reckon it would be a best seller!! ;)
@PatsyN .... yep - as Zoffiel has just said - do what ever you want to do (or not do!) Whatever feels 'right' for you at the time.
There are no rule books on how you should feel or react to everything you've been thru.
Just know that you have the support of everyone here - and things WILL get better!
This is the best place to vent!! xx Getting it off your chest is quite cathartic - you'll always feel better afterwards! :) - So be a brat. You didn't choose to be in this situation, BC is literally a train wreck for some of us; you limp away with missing body parts, poisoned, burnt and beaten up. Is it any surprise you don't feel on top of the world?
There is a big difference between relieved and being happy. Let's leave grateful out of it for the moment. Trying to maintain some semblance of grace and equanimity through the whole shit fight is exhausting and sometimes you wonder why you bother. Now is the time to have a tantrum if you have to; you've been holding yourself together for a long, long time. Drop that bundle and give it a good kicking.
Take to your bed, or refuse to get in it. Drive around crying in the car (good place for screaming) Do what ever you want to for the next little while--yeah, I know, you just want to be the old you, but you'll have to try something else for a bit. Things get better. Mxx - It's strange for me also 10 years since Mum passed and I want her so much.
Understand your emotions. All of a sudden you are cut free battle weary and slightly wounded.
Take care
