Forum Discussion

pennyy's avatar
pennyy
Member
14 years ago

Discrimination for or against??

I know it's been a while - with Christmas, weekly chemo and two very active boys, it's been exhausting!

I wanted to pose a question - having lost my hair due to chemo, I now "look" like I have cancer.  I purchased some very nice wigs that look quite real, and even people I work with don't realise it isn't my real hair.  I don't go without my pretend hair, as my 3 year old calls it, although when at home, I'm hair free (although with Melbourne weather being as it is, today I have a beanie on!).  The question I want to ask is - are you treated / do you want to be treated differently because you have cancer?

Last month, I did the Sussan's women's fun run to raise money for BCNA.  I am so please to say, that with the help of my wonderful friends and family, I raised almost $3,000.  I had hoped to raise $1,000, so it was very overwhelming to receive so much finanical support from people I know are also doing it tough.  My sisters, my niece, my mother-in-law, and her sister and some friends went to St Kilda and walked 10km (yes, we were crazy!), we had a wonderful morning and we dressed up for the occasion - pink wigs, pink grass skirts etc - however, we were one pink wig short.  In November, I went to Queensland for a holiday and got a pink head scarf with hibiscus' on them to get myself in holiday mode, and I let one of my sisters wear it, so she could at least have a pink head.  Now my sister looked like the one with cancer, and I was looking like her support person, not the other way around.  Whilst all the marshalls and event people did encourage everyone to finish and offered support, I found my sister getting more support than the rest of us.  When we eventually passed the finish line, she was hunted down for a spot prize of a 6 month gym membership.  Were the prizes really random? or did she get one because she "looked" like she has cancer?  I don't begrudge her winning a prize, and at the moment I couldn't even use her prize even if I wanted to.  But did I expect something special because I have cancer?

Sometimes I have wanted people to make a big deal of my cancer, but then when they do, I cringe, because although I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, it really hasn't been that bad.  I am blessed to have the right people around me keeping me grounded and helping me to remember what's important.  I don't know if I truly believe or understand that I have cancer, I'm just on a merry-go-round of doctors and hospital appointments that I go to because I have to, and maybe in 6 months when it's all finished, I will truly understand what it is I have done over the past 6 months.

I've lost topic, and I thought discrimination for or against was a great heading, I just don't know if the content truly expressed what I was getting at.  Do I get better treatment because I have cancer, did my sister get better treatment because she looked like she had cancer?  Are we treated worse because others don't want to see us and our cancer? does it start hitting too close to home if the mother of your child's friend has cancer?

Anyway, I'll put more throught into the next one!  My friend was asking where the blog had gone, and I thought, I better write something soon, or I'll be cancer free before I know it, and won't want to write about this anymore.

5 Replies

  • pennyy's avatar
    pennyy
    Member
    14 years ago

    it is a tricky slippery slope, I'm a bit the same - sometimes I want the attention, but when I get it, it does makes me uncomfortable sometimes.

     

    I don't know if my sister has taken her gym membership - I know she is looking forward to it, so good for her.

     

    Hope you stay well,

     

    Penny

  • traxx65's avatar
    traxx65
    Member
    14 years ago

    Hi Pennyy,

    Such an interesting topic.  I was so pleased at the start that i didn't look like I had cancer and could get on with things without people knowing.  When I finally had chemo the end of 2010 into 2011 I felt so intimidated.  I felt nervous, felt like everyone could see, even though I changed my wigs accordingly, like starting off short and then gradually getting longer.

    Now I have started going without the wigs as it is too hot and my hair isn't too bad a length.  But the other day I went into a supermarket I don't normally go to and another customer took one look at me and threw herself back against the shelves and stayed there until I had walked by with a look of like terror on her face.  I just got my stuff and got out of there.

    I don't want the sympathy from people, I just want to be treated normally.  I hate the thought of extra attention.  The only attention I would like is from my brother and sisters.  Since I was diagnosed they have had little or no contact with me.  When I make the attempt to contact them they are always too busy and can't spend the time on the phone as they are all a distance away from me.  I just wanted them to be there to support my children more than anything as I do have advanced cancer, but they won't even be there for them.  That hurts alot.  But I have decided that hard as it may be I don't have the time to make sure they feel okay with my condition.  My time is devoted to my husband and my three daughters and making some good memories.  Most of our friends don't come around anymore and we don't get invited to BBQ's or anything so I do feel disappointed in peoples reactions.

    Sorry for going on but it is something that really gets on my nerves.

    But when it all comes down to it, I have experienced different reactions from people, but even when I had chemo the reactions weren't as friendly as I thought they would be.

    Thanks and all the best with your treatments.

    Take care.

    Tracey

  • Leonie_Moore's avatar
    Leonie_Moore
    Member
    14 years ago

    Hi Penny, Firstly great effort with your fundraising.  When I read your blog, I could relate to everything you said.  It is such a "funny situation" we find ourselves in.    At my first diagnosis back in Oct 2006, I had a couple of lumpectomies, radiation and then Tamoxifen.  I felt like such a fraud as I felt really well and looked fine.  The radiation knocked me over a bit and then i really felt like "I thought I should".  I never wanted any sympathy at all.  Everyone kept telling me how brave and positive I was.  Bullshit - I was just "getting on with it".  Anyway I think I did get a "bit of a chip on my shoulder" in regards to work.  I think I missed out on opportunities because they thought "I wasn't up to it".   I hated people patronising me but on the other hand I "was stronger than most as I had endured bc"!! At the second diagnosis in Dec 2010 with secondaries, it was so different BUT I don't think people patronised me until I had no hair.  During chemo, after the terrible sick days, I would venture out in the "real world".  I really felt so alone in my beanies/hats.  People in the community were very nice but didn't know how to "be".  I don't have a "chip on my shoulder" this time, I feel really relaxed about work.  The ball is in my court this time as I am at age 55 and have the choice of retiring and enjoying my superannuation.  Now that I am starting to "come out of the cloud" and am feeling well most of the time, it is easier to "fit in" and do ordinary things.  Once you start to do "run of the mill" things and get back some kind of routine it is easier to "fit back in to society".  It really all depends on your own attitude.  I learnt this a long time ago.  You can't change anyone except yourself!! XLeonie

  • TonyaM's avatar
    TonyaM
    Member
    14 years ago

    There is probably no right or wrong answer to the questions you pose.I can only say how I felt.When I was at my lowest(after surgery and during chemo) I wanted ++ sympathy.But when I started to feel better but was still bald,I wanted to be treated like a "normal"person.I found that most people  responded according to how I behaved.If I was jovial then they would laugh and join in. Anyway,congratulations on raising almost $3,000 and good luck to your sister for winning gym membership-how did she feel about it?

                                                 Tonya xx

  • TonyaM's avatar
    TonyaM
    Member
    14 years ago

    There is probably no right or wrong answer to the questions you pose.I can only say how I felt.When I was at my lowest(after surgery and during chemo) I wanted ++ sympathy.But when I started to feel better but was still bald,I wanted to be treated like a "normal"person.I found that most people  responded according to how I behaved.If I was jovial then they would laugh and join in. Anyway,congratulations on raising almost $3,000 and good luck to your sister for winning gym membership-how did she feel about it?

                                                 Tonya xx