Cellulitis, UTI's and side effects, Avocado Syndrome

Cellulitis.

I'm in a private sort of hell. Spent the last few weeks in and out of hospital with cellulitis in the area I had radiation. It's when you have a 41> fever and you are delirious. I was admitted urgently and had no idea it was BC related. I was so busy with the side effects of Tamoxifen and feeling so run down I just missed the signs of a whole new beast.

A massively inflamed, hot red boob, raging fever and nausea.

The irritating part is I've now been through this twice. I went to get my flu shot and the nurse said I did not look so good. Turned out I was re-admitted with my second or possibly a return/continuation of cellulitis.

8 x 500 antibiotics a day and told to "do nothing". I had to have it spelt out. What does "do nothing" mean?

Turns out it means to do nothing but recover. No walking, exercise, minimal housework, no singing or band work, no study or gardening. Stayed away from people. I thought I was going to go nuts. Watched a great deal of Netflix and became shock proof watching "Orange is the New Black" and "Misfits". I cried and cursed.

I'm thinking I'm now over the worst of it. 

UTI

Then I feel this weird feeling. I get my shots, Pnumovax (against pneumonia cause I don't have a spleen), and Flu Shot. A wee sample shows I have blood in my urine. Doctor prescribes a ew course of antibiotics. Keflex. And the good news is I survived the shots and am still here :)

Bladder

Living in a country town there's not too many places to go and get better information. I think I have something going on. It's like my bladder feels wrong. Its the weekend so I can't get better information right this moment. But I'm really scared that this Tamoxifen is disturbing my bladder. I can't prove it and I'm now in that zone where I'm too scared to not notice symptoms and that other extreme where I'm jumping to conclusions unnecessarily.

I feel bloated and a strange feeling, discomfort and going to the toilet frequently. But then again it is cold in Armidale NSW. Anyone know if Tamoxifen can cause bladder problems? How do I get on top of this with minimal stuffing around?

First Breast Screening since diagnosis

This week was my first mammogram and ultrasound since my diagnosis. They were so thorough and my right side was re-done again. The ultrasound seemed to be so thorough which is a great thing because you don't want anything to be missed. Right? And of course I also wonder if they found something. I heard so many clicks and images taken. I'm really nervous.

Unhelpful helpers

To top it off, I got some txt messages from o/seas from a friend who lost his mum due to breast cancer. He sent me a host of messages and information to help "cure" me. Something about more spinach and a vegetarian diet, visiting a Sharman (witchdoctor) and lifestyle change to meditative and spiritual. Then came passages saying BC was due to an oppressed role of the woman and her sexuality and other weird things.

There is a new strength I found today. A talent perhaps, to tell someone where to exactly go with enough diplomacy that they look forward to going on that trip.

Perhaps some side effects have found my inner warrior princess.

Why share it?

Well to be frank, this is the best resource I have. A place to come and scream. I don't come here enough. But when I do I feel safe, and I know I'm amongst veterans who will set me straight or can shed light.

Plus I find I'm almost a different person every hour since I've become menopause induced. I'm happy, sad, cranky, hopeful, fearful, neutral and sometimes all those things. But I forget to write stuff down. I'm too busy experiencing stuff I forget to share it in writing so that I can later tell my doctor what's going on.

Plus right now my husband is sleeping, and I know he goes away tommorrow for work. I need to be strong to mann the forte. But know that it's nearly mother's day and I'm just a tad sad, scared, tired, cranky, hopeful and lost. I wish this trip would finally stop being so complex and it was over all ready. I wish I was back to some sort of normality. 

I'm scared to relax in case I need to be strong all over again. I'm scared I'm almost out of strength because I've used up so much of it these last few weeks.

Avocado syndrome

All I have heard is "how well I look" which is nonsense. I'm run down, I have grey hairs and regrowth, and I'm now less active than the LOL down the street. I could not be more run down if I tried.

But...

Final thought for today - Avocado syndrome. It's my description for those of us who look well on the outside, as in our skin tone may be rosy, our personality has always been bright, and we have happy colours that make people think we are divine and fabulous. BUT on the inside we are not well. 

Think of an avocado you buy, it looks perfect on the outside until you take it home and open it to find it may not be all that great inside.

Anyone else out there going through this? 

And the hard part is that there is this expectation to return to duties, or back to how you were, and frankly I'm tired. I'm so unwell I'm baffled at times how people can see so much wellness when I am so unwell on the inside.

Ok, that's it for now. I'm tired. I might finally get a proper night sleep now that I've got all that out of my system.