Forum Discussion
Bye bye boobs
Five days to go until I farewell my breasts.
I am comfortable with my decision but nervous about the emotional impact of the outcome. How can you anticipate an amputation of this nature, physically or mentally?
I'm not afraid of medical procedures or pain (eight and a half hours of labour with no painkillers pushing out a 9lb11oz baby...), but I am nervous of being under for 8 - 10 hours. My low blood pressure issues and collapse a few weeks ago are playing on my mind. My GP is being cautious and doing some heart tests and I'll be having a good chat with the anaesthetist.
I'm comforted by the people who've gone before me and say they have no regrets. I know I'm doing the right thing, for me and my family. My lovely breast surgeon agrees. However I am sad. My breasts are actually a body part I liked. We've had some fun over the years; it's challenging to say goodbye to such a delightful erogenous zone.
Nerves and apprehension have been rising as the operation's approached, but have been mostly under control. However last night, after a busy day of distraction, the moment I turned off my light I was swamped with anxiety that went on all night. I had a shocker. The valium I took at 3am didn't help (it was only a 2).
I'm a member of the Choosing Breast Reconstruction Group but it's pretty quiet over there so @iserbrown suggested I post here too, so you all can keep me company through the next bump on this wretched rollercoaster. Black humour welcome!
I am comfortable with my decision but nervous about the emotional impact of the outcome. How can you anticipate an amputation of this nature, physically or mentally?
I'm not afraid of medical procedures or pain (eight and a half hours of labour with no painkillers pushing out a 9lb11oz baby...), but I am nervous of being under for 8 - 10 hours. My low blood pressure issues and collapse a few weeks ago are playing on my mind. My GP is being cautious and doing some heart tests and I'll be having a good chat with the anaesthetist.
I'm comforted by the people who've gone before me and say they have no regrets. I know I'm doing the right thing, for me and my family. My lovely breast surgeon agrees. However I am sad. My breasts are actually a body part I liked. We've had some fun over the years; it's challenging to say goodbye to such a delightful erogenous zone.
Nerves and apprehension have been rising as the operation's approached, but have been mostly under control. However last night, after a busy day of distraction, the moment I turned off my light I was swamped with anxiety that went on all night. I had a shocker. The valium I took at 3am didn't help (it was only a 2).
I'm a member of the Choosing Breast Reconstruction Group but it's pretty quiet over there so @iserbrown suggested I post here too, so you all can keep me company through the next bump on this wretched rollercoaster. Black humour welcome!
120 Replies
- Great minds @tigerbeth! See you tomorrow. K xox
- @kmakm You & I are not at the same stage but we ae definitely on the same page !
When you were making pasta sauce the other day I was also making some for the freezer !
Just got back with the shopping after going to the nail place to have a manicure & my color removed !!
Told the girl I'll be back for some color asap !
Sent you a PM.
Hugs xx - Thanks @iserbrown, you're a champion.
Actually this morning I spent some Christmas vouchers my kids gave me on a mani-pedi! No polish of course (forbidden for the operation), but I'm neat and tidy for my hospital stay and my girlfriends are under strict instructions to paint my toenails on Sunday. I want to look at the revolting dark brown chemo damage as little as possible! - @"Holly Prevails" Thank you for sharing your story with me. I thought it beautifully illustrates what a healer the passing of time is. I will be saying a deliberate goodbye, I feel that much of this week is just that, but I will put aside a specofic moment. As I said above it's all very complex of course. We bring our past experiences, neuroses, self-esteem, body image, femininity & sexuality to this event and I just can't anticipate how I'll react. I do feel like I've done everything I can to prepare, and have put support in place. This forum is part of that. Thank you. I hope your healing continues. K xox
- Just know that there's no right or wrong way to deal with it. Just flow with how you feel and hopefully you'll find yourself in a peaceful state of mind, that is once the food is under control and the washing, ironing, cleaning and so it goes............domestic bliss, and wondering if you've packed enough pairs of knickers for hospital and did I remember the toothpaste, do my toenails need cutting and so it goes..........there's a lot to keep you occupied.
Allow others to help if needed. Don't overdo it! Also have an emotional gatekeeper so that the well meaning silly statements, like "but I've had cancer twice you know", to which I said well you win as this is not a competition and walked away thinking to myself well you've been there and don't know how to handle me telling you I have breast cancer, goodness me!!
Remember the cheer squad is here on the forum any time of day or night - @Sister Thank you Gaye. It's all very complex of course, we bring our past experiences, neuroses, self-esteem, body image, femininity & sexuality to this particular table. I've never been to this restaurant before! I will post a review when I've digested the meal...
I hope you're coming good after your last AC. So lovely you got to the beach on the weekend! K xox - I love a big hug @smokie08! Gratefully received, thank you. K xox
- Thank you @MoiraC. The last 24 hours haven't been too bad. Hanging out with @Finch yesterday and keeping busy is definitely helping. And all the generous caring folk here. K xox
- @iserbrown That's what I'm trying to herd my emotions towards, the betterment of me. Intellectually I'm there but emotionally I just don't know yet. I've stopped trying to anticipate actually, which is quite freeing at this point. It's impossible for me to anticipate my reaction to an amputation of such a personal nature, so I'm letting it go.
- @kmakm- you have been and are in my thoughts as well. One step at a time I think -you are one strong woman from what I read of you. I am sure this and the loving support around you will get you through those dark moments x
