Bye bye boobs

Sending you big hugs for Friday. I hope it all goes well take care.

Isn't that wonderful that the pre-tests are all being done to ensure that Friday is on track!  

We all re-act differently, I wasn't fussed about losing a breast and having a recon although my surgeon said you are a prime candidate for a recon so I did.  The surgeon told me before I had biopsy that I had BC and from that moment on it was just a matter of confirming the size and if there were clear margins and arranging surgery.  We are all different in how we cope and or grieve.  

At the moment your focus is the tests and nesting to ensure you are happy with what's in the fridge, pantry and freezer, it's what we do so when you return home there's some sort of organisation around home.  Please take care of yourself emotionally as well as physically.  This surgery is for the betterment of you! 

Take care, sending you a virtual hug xoxo

@kmakm I've hesitated to say much because, while I know the surgery is a massive thing, I've never felt that losing the boob was devastating - after all, it was trying to kill me.  As you know, I haven't had reconstruction and I'm not sure if I ever will.  If I do, it is likely to be more about other people than me as being single breasted is not a socially accepted disability.  However, I did take a good look at the breast before I went to hospital and I got my husband to take a couple of photos.  I did feel sad that I'd already gone through the trauma of the initial partial, come to terms with it and was very pleased in the end at the result, only to have to have the breast taken altogether.  Certainly, I would suggest some sort of personal "goodbye" but then remember why you're having the op - those boobs may have played nicely in the past but they've turned on you so it's time to end what's become a toxic relationship.  If I forget to say it closer to the time - good luck for the op and I'll be thinking of you.  Gaye

Kmakm, I don’t know if this helps and I know I don’t know you at all, but this is what I experienced. 

Backstory. I had a WLE and axillary clearance, left boob only. Chemo shrunk tumour tiny enough that mastectomy wasn’t a physical necessity so I said no to it. My surgeon put me back together a lot smaller but it’s all natural and I kept my nipple. If you could see me you wouldn’t know I’d had breast cancer except if I was topless. 

However. I grieved intensely for the death of my whole, unbroken, uncut breasts as a concept, as if a person had died. I still do. You never get that body back. It is a loss that is fundamental and profound and nobody has the right to tell you it isn’t. After surgery I treated my boob like a medical clinical thing for many many months after surgery. It lost its sexual sensual feminine identity totally. All I cared about was whether there was any infection or complications. And when it healed and settled after a long time I thought of it as a labrador puppy or a little sister in need of love and care. Then I started to dig the new shape and size. It’s much perkier! Bonus! I hate my lumpiness. I am not sure how I feel about my scar except that it hurts. Still. I don’t feel sexy again yet and I don’t know that I ever will. But I’ve finally landed on a feeling of having said goodbye and really loving the old but being fiercely protective and loving of the new. Now I have almost forgotten what the old boob even felt like. I never thought I’d be able to say this stuff without crying but I can. 

Re: saying goodbye, before surgery I would strongly recommend finding an hour all to yourself if you can, be somewhere you feel peaceful at (I love forests), hold your breasts in your hands, close your eyes and just commit the whole moment to memory. The sensation, size, weight, warmth. All of it. Just have a moment of neutral memorising. And say to them literally Goodbye. Blow them a kiss. Smile. Savour it. This is what you’ll want to come back to in your memory someday but with a happy, loving view. Not a mournful one. It also gives you closure and I think that’s very important. It helped me a lot to know I said goodbye on purpose no matter how painful it was. You don’t get that chance often in life so I made myself do it. 

Rambling a bit but I say all this to highlight that it’s a long long process from pre-op to acceptance. Everyone says goodbye in their own way. You will get through it. x 

Thank you @lrb_03 (Little River Band?!). I'm not too bad this evening. The last two nights I've been very anxious and tense, and slept very badly as a result (despite taking some Valium). However right now I feel OK. Apart from a very itchy chest from the sticky patch for the holter monitor I'm wearing.

My GP decided to be super cautious before the operation and sent me for a blood test, an ecg, an echo cardiogram and a 24hr holter monitor. I don't think she'll find anything but as she said, she'd hate for me to have this big build up only for the anaesthetist to call a halt on Friday morning.

I've had a lot of fatigue the last few days. Very unusually for me I had lie down on my bed this afternoon and nap. Chemo after effect combined with tension?

Just quickly dropping in to say you're in my thoughts as Friday draws ever nearer.
Take care

She certainly did @"Kiwi Angel", two big ones, with fabulous @Finch flair... there was a divine scarf around her head! Good chat, good food and a walk. Just the thing for keeping anxiety at bay.

Now, back to the laundry. I've gone into housework overdrive. I want to be able to leave here on Friday morning knowing the household is in reasonable shape.

@kmakm i Think if your body is craving something that u don’t normally have it wants it for some reason. So I’m giving it what it wants at the moment. It may be back to lettuce only if I balloon up with tamoxifen. The blood bank rang me last week saying they needed my type of blood. Told them they may not want me at the moment. Apparently I’m acceptable 5 years post chemo even on hormone blockers. Good u r being super organised it will be a godsend post surgery. I’m sure your family will help out a lot as they will have too - u just won’t b able to do it all. Big hugs which I hope finch delivers in person tomorrow. Xo

@Primek It's pretty weird that I feel sad about the cleavage because I hardly ever have it on display. I really did have to hunt for that dress last night! Nothing sprang to mind. Fingers crossed my PS does a good job.

@SoldierCrab Tru dat