Bad day
Well, it's not been a good day. I'm fine, this is my up week with next chemo due New Year's Eve. My partner on the other hand is tonight in hospital undergoing multiple tests. He has been sick for 6 weeks, had 2 courses of anti-biotics, 1 course of steroids and just wasn't improving. I nagged and nagged but he wouldn't go back to doctors. He kept trying to do everything he could to make my days easier, and I could see he wasn't well. Today I forced him to go and I didn't drive him because I have some joint pain in my ankles. I get a call to tell me an ambulance is taking him to the hospital because of his heart and could I pick up the car. I tried to ring around for a lift and of course being Boxing Day, everybody I rang had been drinking and couldn't drive. I walked and cried all the way, goodness knows I must have looked pitiful. Managed to get back home and of course by that time, my anxiety got the better of me. I did manage to get hold of my girlfriend but couldn't speak. She took control and took me to her mother's place while she went to the hospital. She wouldn't take me because she was worried about me in the emergency department. They suspected heart attack, the cardiologist now thinks because he was sick for so long, his heart is enlarged. and the medication he has been on for 20 years for his bad back has now damaged his kidneys, liver and heart. I was doing so well managing my depression and anxiety and now I'm struggling. I am so full of emotions at the moment, upset and worried about him, angry at him for not listening to me, guilty because he put me first over his own health, Just wondering why we keep getting dealt these cards. I did manage to speak to him on the phone and you know, he's worried how I will get to my chemo next week! I told him I'll manage and tried to put his mind to rest. I will try to dust myself off and hopefully get it together. Don't want to sound weak or silly but he is my heart and soul. Sorry ladies, just needed to get it off my chest.
