Bad Chemo days and lessons to learn
Tuesday night was about the worst night I have had since I started Chemo. On Monday night, I was very tired, slept badly, had bad bone pains in my ankles all night from the Neulasta, and woke on Tuesday feeling a bit weak and wretched. I got through the day, with a walk with Miriam, reading a not very good novel, and really just hanging out till I could get to bed and to sleep. Unfortunately, I chose to have roast turkey for dinner and then spent all Tuesday night lying awake in bed utterly nauseous with the fattiness of it, getting up 2hrly with burning diarrhea, severe bone pains in my lower legs,stinking headache, and the usual rotten taste in my mouth. I took a sleeping pill early in the night but I was too ill for it to work. About 5am the stomach discomfort eased and I finally drifted off to sleep. So then when I woke at 6.30, I was weak and wobbly and felt utterly wretched still. Luckily, my daughter Miriam took time off her studies to spend with me, so I had good care and companionship.
This is round 3 of the full chemo. I am now halfway through. Once I have finished my 6 cycIes of TCH and 12 months of Herceptin, I wait to find out if I am one of the lucky ones who gets a cure or if I will be like the lady beside me in the Chemo Lounge on 4th April who had treatment for a primary breast cancer,then developed a cough, and UTI's that wouldn't go away and was losing weight. They did a scan and found she had cancer everywhere: bones, lungs ,liver etc. She was just so shocked and sad, and it did bring the reality of my situation home to me
.It is easy to fall into that dark place of fear for my own mortality, horror of the unknown beast that pursues me and may yet devour me. Especially when I am weak and ill. Coping with the uncertainly, choosing to admit that I may be one of the unlucky ones but why waste the life I do have worrying about what may never happen instead of enjoying the time I assuredly do have now, is one of the lessons I am struggling to learn.
