I went out to our farm yesterday and walked a lot taking in the amazing beauty of the place. I hugged a couple of big old red gums and quietly asked them to give me strength to get through this. It was nourishing
to be there and see some horses and kangaroos.
I had a nice time walking around with my husband and he was loving and sweet (unusual). He expressed that he has blamed himself for giving me stress and not loving me well enough and thinks maybe that is a part of why I have an illness.
At one stage he even said that he would give his life to save mine. Very noble and romantic but not really possible. I think he has been trying to do some kind of a healing where he tries to take my illness from me. Maybe it could be helpful but I am trusting in the chemotherapy more and I wouldn’t want him sick too.
He is engaged in a project on the farm that he has to stay focused on, and the last time we spoke he was basically telling me I would need to get support from others because he couldn’t put the project on hold. I am hoping to see him more in the city when or if I need help with the kids but know that I really can’t count on it because he has to keep going with the thing he has been working on for his own well-being.
I went to the farm with a friend who survived BC that she had in the late nineties. Hers wasn’t as advanced as mine nor was it HER2 but it was in her lymph nodes and is gone now. I am scared that mine could have already metastasised but am trying to remain hopeful that it has not. The lymph node area being sore from the biopsy makes me very aware of the area and of the risk there. It was disheartening to ask the oncologist about what prevents the cancer from travelling further to be told it’s not well understood. It makes me nervous around bra straps, hot baths, heavy weights and high reaches but I have to keep living normally.
I am sporting a fresh new buzz cut which my husband said looked gangster. Figured I might as well embrace the baldy look before chemo begins and avoid shocking the children later with it. The funny thing is I always wanted to try this style but never had he courage before. I love the feeling of patting it.
I’m still not sure about the neoadjuvant treatment option (I’d love to get it out of me faster) but I have to trust in the doctors and maybe it is inoperable right now. Chemo starts Wednesday but I have an appointment with a surgeon on Tuesday and they might opt to change the path but I think chemo will go ahead once the port is put in on Wednesday morning.
I was was planning to play in a scrabble tournament today but have decided to take it easy instead. Babysitting is expensive and I should save it for when I will need it with chemo.
My fitbit has been keeping track of my steps and my sleep cycles and I have been getting good quality sleep and easily making more than 10000 steps. If I can do half that on chemo it will hopefully help me get through it.
Love and thanks again for help and advice and for taking the time to write back to my messages here.
